Relapse (Luke Hemmings)

Chapter 9. Thinking

(Trigger warning)
~~~~Nicoll's POV~~~~
Why is it that I have to think about him constantly? He has no right to be intruding my mind right now. Yet, I let him anyways. I'm always thinking about him, randomly when I'm reading or drawing. When my mind wanders it immediately goes to him. Always.
I started thinking about this when I was reading a book. The way the characters actions were being described in words written down to creat imagery made me think of Luke. How he would drop everything to help me when I'm in need. Then I realized I'm probably pulling my luck. Maybe he just doesn't really care and he's acting. I don't know if that boy can act but he sure can put on a performance.
I just don't know. How could someone remotely like Luke love me? Or even look in my general direction without sneering in disgust? I'm to ugly, I'm to quiet, I'm to socially awkward around people- unless it comes to my job, I get paid to be social. I may have been smart in school but I'm a fucking dumbass when it comes to simple things.
How could anyone love me like Luke puts out? I just don't understand. I'm a worthless depressed piece of shit and everyone knows it. Luke knows it. Michael knows if. Calum and Ashton fucking know it. Dottie even knows it.
How do I even have a friend? How? Someone please tell me what I'm not getting. I'm no where near interesting. Just how?
As I thought to myself about these things I realize that I'm less than nothing. I get up from my spot and go to the side of my bed to retrieve the blade that wasn't there.
"Shit, why? Ugh. I'm an idiot," I say to myself, lifting myself up off the ground to look in the hall closet where extra razors are. "Are you fucking kidding me?!" I practically yelled slamming the door after seeing that I have no more razors to break open.
I went back into the room where I just curled up onto the bed and cried my eyes out. Fucking why? I ask myself rolling into a ball and eventually crying myself to sleep.
By the time I woke up I discovered my phone ringing. It was Luke. I quickly grabbed my phone and slid the answer control to the right and put the phone up to my ear.
"Hey, sorry I fell asleep," I apologized.
"You okay?" Luke asked me. Ha no, of course not.
"Yeah I'm perfectly fine. Why?" I tell Luke sitting up on the bed.
"I texted you 28 times and called you 4 times," Luke explain to me sighing.
I look at my phone time and noticed it was already 11pm. "Shit," I cursed, "sorry I didn't mean to sleep for so long, I-I. Ugh. How's traveling to your first city?" I asked Luke changing the subject.
"It's boring," I could practically hear the eye roll in Luke's voice, "it would be so much better with you here honestly, the boys keep picking on me about you because you know, they're like 12 year olds," Luke chuckles to himself I guess remembering the things they've said.
"Well I mean..." I trailed off then started giggling.
"You mean what?" Luke asked me, he was smiling, I could tell which made me smile for the first time today. Luke's already been gone for a day and I'm already breaking.
"I might act like a middle schooler at the mention of you, only with Dottie though. It's a girl thing," I laugh biting my lip.
"Oh guess what I found out about Michael," Luke teases me. Now he's acting like a middle schooler. I laugh at my thought.
"Umm, Michael's secretly an author?" I guessed.
"No, you brought up Dottie and Michael's been talking about her. Mainly about how she's so cool and amazing and he gets excuses to see her because you two work at the same place... yeah he likes her," Luke tells me making me giggle.
"Luke, you just practically told on Michael," I laughed. "I wanna ask him about her now," I openly tell Luke.
"Well he's asleep, if only I had a marker," Luke says mostly to himself than to me making me laugh. "Nicole, I gotta go, Calum's complaining now so I'll text you later if you haven't went back to sleep," Luke tells me making my smile drop. He makes me happy.
"Okay, tell Calum he's a bitch for me," I tell Luke causing him to laugh.
"Bye, I love you," Luke tells me still laughing.
"Bye, I love you too," I smiled looking at my phone as Luke hung up on his line. My smile faded as I continuously looked at my phone for the next hour before falling asleep again.
__morning__
I wake up crying and thinking of Luke. Basically because I had a dream about him leaving me for someone much much prettier and happier than me. I check my phone to a message from Luke.
iMessage from Luke
I was forced to sleep on a top bunk. :(
1:23am
I'm going to fall off of here
1:47am
I'm guessing you went to sleep. Well I hope you're sleeping well with me messaging you. I have a show at 3pm so I won't be able to talk to you for about an hour or two and one around 8pm.
2:03am
iMessage to Luke
Okay, and sorry you had to sleep on the top bunk. I hope you didn't fall off even though that would be funny to watch happen XD. I hope you have a good show today and tonight. I'm so happy that you've made it this far :).
Delivered
I snooze my phone and just stay in the bed because I just didn't want to get out of bed today but I knew eventually I would have to so I could go to work and make money. The normal thing to do. I know I'm just gonna hate getting out of bed in s couple hours and what sucks is I have to go in at 4:30pm till 9pm. Not very long hours but I just don't want to get out of bed.
Eventually I did get out of bed and did my normal routine for work. Take a shower, clothes, hair, teeth, shoes, and go to work. Nothing interesting happened at work today, it was just the normal serve customer, deal with idiots and have a conversation- just smile.
I miss Luke.
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So here's another chapter. Sorry it kinda sucks, but it doesn't suck fully. I dunno anymore.
Yeah the chapters are only gonna ever get triggering from here.
Anyways thanks for reading and if you like my story thanks you for also enjoying it lol.
I'll update soon hopefully.
Oh yeah... My phone also cracked today... I was sitting down too... So life sucks cause that's basically my life.
I should start a book about issues and call it issues... Anyways in getting sidetracked thanks for reading ^°^