30 Day Letter Challenge

Day Seven: Ex.

Dear Megan A.H.,

Following our break up, I have forced myself to face the underlying roots of my flaws and obsessions. People say that bad things happen for a reason. I think that the reason we had to break up was so that I would have a solid reason to smoke out these roots and get rid of them, so that I can one day be a happier and better person. The time we spent together was beautiful, and as much as I said it was perfect to your dislike, I now know it wasn't perfect. I had been a clingy boyfriend, always having unrealistic expectations and waiting on you 25/8 which was unhealthy for our relationship.

For one, it added pressure on you and that should never have happened. Thinking back, you needed me to help keep your mind off your troubles so that you could deal with them when you wanted to. Yet I don't know why but I forced you to face it even when you said you didn't want to or when you told me that nothing was wrong. I had added to your stress and pressure, strike one. This problem has now been brought to light and I will fix it. 

On another coin, I unconsciously made myself miserable whenever you weren't around and that too should never have happened. It's good that I prioritised you but I took it far too extreme and cut my life to fit yours. Sure, I never had a life even before being with you but that isn't an excuse for my behaviour. I should have lived my own life and let our relationship intersect at points in our life; instead, towards the end, I forced it along. This too was stressful on your part, because I didn't know then but I do now, I was stringing you along instead of the other way round. I had turned our relationship into an obligation for you, strike two. This problem too has now been brought to light and I will fix it.

Over the past few days, I have done some deep thinking, rummaging through past events in my life and have figured something out. I am passive aggressive. I remember at one point in our relationship, you mentioned that I made you feel guilty but I told you not to feel guilty and we brushed it off. Yesterday, it was brought up again and I knew it was no coincidence. At night, when I thought back more, I noticed that a lot of people have felt guilty before whenever they were with me. This lead me to find out that my passive aggressiveness has been my go-to shield to ensure that people wouldn't hate me no matter what. Instead, they ended up hating themselves over things that weren't even their fault, strike three and I'm out. I now know this for a fact and will fix it.

Other notable mentions are that I have unintentionally and unconsciously been manipulating you through small actions. I thought that I was being pure and letting everything flow naturally between us but it seems that I was wrong. Also, I have been moving too fast. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, it happens all the time but I came on too strongly and that was bad. What else, what else. I'm currently rattling my brain right now to think of more so that I can get rid of them all, so that I can see these intangible darkness and get rid of them for myself, and for everyone that I care about. Let me see.... Fear! That's it! Right, I was thinking about this earlier but I forgot for awhile there.

Fear leads to the dark side of the force according to Yoda. We all have our fears, but that doesn't mean we are all tempted to join the dark side. What Yoda should have said, to help us understand better, is that the mishandling of our fear, our obsession with it, leads to the dark side. I was so scared of losing you that it turned into a fixation. That in turn gave birth to the unconscious manipulation, making you feel caged in. You might tell me that you didn't feel pulled down to make me feel better but Meggy, I did and I'm not blind to it anymore. I will learn to better handle my fear so that it won't again cloud my actions and judgement. 

I miss you a lot, more than I ever thought I could miss someone. For now, I take solace in the possibility that in an alternate universe, we both did all the right things and we are happily together. You are the right girl, but this was the wrong time. Maybe one day in the future, things between us will spark again. Maybe it won't, who knows? We're still learning. We're still growing. I know that you'll always make the best choices in life, you have up until now and you will for the rest of eternity. I want to be your friend again but I will not enter your life until I have fixed myself and made damn certain that you, everyone else, and myself will not get hurt. For now, I'll see you around, can't get rid of me that easy xD. (<- That was a light hearted joke to release the tension btw.) Thank you for loving me and for showing me what true love felt like, was refreshing compared to all my other shitty relationships. It's given me a benchmark, so that I won't ever let myself be treated badly ever again. 

Thank you also for always being understanding, being kind, being there for me. Even though I am under construction, I will always be here if you ever need me or if you want someone to watch a show or movie with. Just leave me a text or a snap, I'll be there with a watermelon and hyacinth in hand. Also, you don't have to worry about any of the things you said to me in text. If you really think about it, there's really nothing wrong. P.S. Really sorry about yesterday >.> P.S.S. Again, thank you.

Always love and remember,

Eugene Tan/ Katara / Doge / F*ckwit / Sprakles / Hybrid / Pendragon / Flynn / Everything in between.