Pain is something I am accustomed to. I know it all so well, one kind of pain I like to call passive pain, that is the kind of pain that slowly torments you and makes everything around you look offensive. The feeling is to hide within yourself and shut your eyes and ears while cowering in one of the room. That is the kind of pain who served as my companion for a very long time, so I got used to it, to this slow soul devourer. In the end there will be nothing left for you to do but curse your existence. Your mind fills with questions that will remain unanswered for they have the sole purpose of diminishing your mind's strength so that you succumb to the darkness that enveils you. This pain is like cancer, it slowly eats parts of your soul until you are left with none.
The pain I am experiencing today is different, this pain is similar to you heart being stabbed and the feeling of the knive being twisted within it, while you hopelessly stand and suffer. It is as if you are bound and cannot escape, all that remains for you to do is just watch as the blood is dripping on the cold and frozen ground. You feel like screaming, but you can't, the only sound that you hear is that of the drops of blood falling and the sound made by the twisting knife. You are left powerless in front of this immediate kind of pain, it is the kind of pain that, not like the other, which obliges you to end yourself, this one makes you go insane. You feel like you want to destroy the wretched word in which you make your pitiful existence. But, then again, all you can do is watch yourself bleed over the thing that is tormenting you. After some time, you feel like bursting into tears, yet the anger and pride holds them within. The pain thrives on the thing you hate or fear the most and fuels itself form the emotions you are oozing.
How each one ends, that I can easily tell. If you survive it and you don't let them you steal the light in your eyes, thing that will eventually happen if not for the following happenings. The first kind of pain, you cannot escape without the divine intervention of a hand that reaches out to you, in order to remove you from the fog of darkness and poison in which you lingered for so long. The recovery for this one is long, because darkness will still be drawn to you, but with the help of my beloved Carla, I managed to fight in back, though I cannot say that I am completely out of harm's way not until this very day. But she is still there for me, watching over my every single step. I am lucky I have her, I call it a blessing. It is a miracle that she showed up in my life, I love her dearly, wouldn't change her for the world. But now I will be talking about the other pain, the ruthless one. The only way for it to stop is that it's source to be cut off. The point is that she is not here at the moment, and as the dim light of a weaken candle, I am slowly fading in the darkness. Her hand is out of my reach. It is not her fault, things are what they are, what is love after all without pain. I do believe that love comes with a cost, it is true that it makes you feel like Heaven has fallen on hearth, and fills you with joy unknown boundaries, but when you miss the one you love, reality hits you. Heaven is only real because you loved one exists, without her, the world resumes its current state of filth. This is not the fault of neither of us, this is life in all it's glory. In order to obtain, you must sacrifice something of equal or greater value. Life gives you everything, so that when it takes it away it strips all that that you owe, and more. It is as if it sews a wound, only to brutally rip it off. My problem is not only that, I feel both of the two pains inside my heart, it makes me want to destroy everything and then end myself. It is excruciating the way it sadistically tears apart your soul. She is not only far away from me, but she finds herself in a repulsive lesser company. I am condemned to this state of utterly excruciating pain until she comes to me...
