7/20/2013
Dear Aaron,
I've been writing other letters to you on my phone and stuff, but I decided to type it this time. I'm not sure why, I just felt like I should add another letter. Besides, I really enjoy writing to you.
I'm having a lot of trouble with spelling today, haha. I'm sorry in advance though you don't necessarily care. I think I like writing to you so much is because I know you see them, yet I don't have to be worried about being judged or anything. I can tell you and it'll be off my chest.
I haven't been writing you very happy letters lately. I'm sorry. Lately things have been hell. Literally. I try to help other people and not worry about myself, but then I always come back to myself. I feel so freaking selfish. I go in circles. I hate myself. Then I hate myself for hating myself. I've done a lot of stupid things lately and I'm scared. I'm scared of everything, Aaron. I'm not even kidding. I wonder what it's called to be scared of everything?
Katie showed me a song called Hide. I freaking wanted to bust out bawling because it related to me so well. I'm just so screwed up. I feel like a hypocrite cause I help my other friends through the same things, but then I go against my own words. I try not to. I really do. I just...it all seems so...pointless now. I'm not even sure what's happening anymore. What is there left to look forward to? I'm so caught up in my life I can't even sort it out. I keep wishing the future would come faster because in all honesty it seems like the only hope. I feel like my future husband would be the only thing that could resolve it. I wish I could be loved. Live life like a fantasy. But we all know that will never happen.
Life spirals down and to be honest there's no way out, right? Not until you die atleast. Maybe that's why people commit suicide. Because there's no way out. People say it'll get better. Yeah, I know, but then it spirals back down later. You'll never stay happy. It's impossible isn't it? I wish I was wrong. I wish I could just be happy. But it seems like the depression is only getting worse. Like I'm just falling apart again. I don't want to. Not again.
Thinking of you, my other brother/sister, and my future husband and stuff seems like it's the only things that make me happy. Besides One Direction. It sounds cheesy and stupid I now, but for some reason those things make me happy.
Aaron, I miss you. I wish you were here. I wish I had my future husband by my side and I wish our whole family was together. I wish you were all here...
Love,
Megan x
