Dear Harry,
I'm just going to be real with you. I don't know...I don't have much time to write this but I really need to get it off my chest.
I have school tomorrow and I'm so scared. I'm always so freaking scared of school My nerves act up any everything. When I was younger I use to cry nearly everyday before my mom dropped me off. It sucked. Then as I got older I started having anxiety issues and I had to take pills. and I'm just now starting to not take them but I still get terrified.
I wish you were here. Sometimes I think a hug from you would make me the happiest person in the world. Literally that's all I want, a hug. I love you so freaking much and I don't even know why. I don't know you, but you mean the world to me. You keep me going and you keep me alive. You're the reason for my smile when I want to cry. And sometimes when I feel all depressed and stuff at night and I want to bawl my eyes out....it sounds cheesy but I think of you. I think of you wrapping your arms around me and somehow it makes everything better. Somehow it makes me feel okay....like it's going to be alright. It helps me fall asleep. I know it sounds pathetic but you know what, I'm done giving a frick what other people think of me and my emotions. If you make me happy, you make me happy and I'm not going to let anyone take that from me.
So anyway I guess I'll just try to think of you tonight and tomorrow. I'm just really worried about my first graded speech tomorrow. And Health isn't too bad...but it makes me feel really insecure, more than I already am. It gets all awkward in that class. The teacher is sweet but...I don't know. Back to Speech, it just really freaks me out having to go infront of the class. The speech has to be three to five minutes and it's on my life verse. I just found my life verse the other day so I don't have it memorized. I guess it's okay because I've got a notecard and all, but I can't stare at it the whole time. I'm just worried I'll blank out and skip points and forget stuff right after I look at it. I guess I just have to trust God on this one, right? What would you do?
Sometimes people around me compliment me about school and my grades and they rub it in my face. They tell me how easy it must be for me to get a good grade. How I shouldn't worry or anything, but I don't think they quite get it from my point of view. Yes, I manage to get good grades without spending hours of time studying, but that doesn't mean I don't freak out about it. do they even realize the stress I put on myself for making good grades? It's like the boy from The Breakfast Club, I CAN'T make a bad grade. I feel like a disappointment. I HAVE to do good. No, I'm not allowed to get an F. So I try really hard but I soon just give up because I get sick of having anxiety and worrying about it. I just take the test and get whatever grade I get. Don't get me wrong, I try hard on it, but after awhile of studying I just crumble. It seems useless. So yeah. I just wish some of my friends and other people would understand that. Just because I make good grades doesn't mean it's easy for me. It's just as hard...but that's because I've gotten good grades all my life and so I place my standards higher. If I don't succeed at those standards then I beat myself up over it. It's not as easy as it looks alright. It's stressful. It's anxiety filled. It's worry-filled. It's hard.
Well anyway, thank you for listening. I think it helped. I'll probably just try to keep my mind off of it because it's all in God's plan. He has plans to prosper me, not to harm me. I can overcome this. I can do this. It's just a quick test thingy....and besides...if I try my best then that's all I can do. I should be proud of myself for doing the best I can and finding the strength to do it. I can do this. (:
I miss you.
I love you.
Love,
Megan xoxo
