12/13/2013
Aaron,
This probably won't be that happiest letter, just letting you know up front bud. I don't even know why I'm writing it. I just needed someone to talk to, you know?
Things have sucked so badly lately, Aaron. Like, you don't even know...well, maybe you do. But it hurts so much. I feel like I've had my heart ripped out of my chest, torn in two, and had it attempted to be put back how it was before. But that's just not how it works.
I've tried writing, talking to God, ranting to friends, and it all seems to go to Hell. I'm just so sick of it. I'm so f****ing done with it. I'm tired of going through it all the same as the day before. I've grown stronger but I still have the same feelings. Internally, I know my relationship is stronger than ever with God but the same thoughts reoccur in my brain. As crazy as it sounds it feels like I'm insane sometimes. One moment I'm happy and figuring things out and the next I want to punch a wall and cry my heart out in self pity. I'll just go wallow in self pity. That's basically what I do every night unfortunately and it's pathetic to say the least.
I want to be done with it. I want to move on, but I just can't seem to do it. I've tried asking God for things and just putting it into His hands but this hurt just won't seem to go away. Aaron, it haunts me. It follows me in my thoughts, in my dreams, and everything. There's not a thing I can do to stop it because it was constantly there before. "Before", when I was fooled by it's madness. My stupidity and love itself swallowing me up and deceiving me with it's dreadful lies. I hate it with a passion. I can't make it stop and it's eating me alive.
I'm so paranoid.
It goes from fear, to anger, to hurt, to confusion, to every other emotion you can think of. It never stops! It's like this vicious cycle! I don't even know why I put these out on wattpad. Not many people read these anyway so I suppose it's alright. I'm just writing to you anyway. It's not like I have anything to hide.
I don't know. I just don't know anymore. It's the same thing just a different day and it's definitely getting old.
Well, on the bright side I've found a band or two that I'm utterly in love with. I found them the other day. They're 'The Devil Wears Prada' and 'Bring Me The Horizon'. TDWP is Christian and they have some really neat stuff especially the newer songs. And BMTH cusses the f bomb quite alot but oh well. They have a sick sound to them! My favorite song by BMTH is 'Go to Hell, For Heaven's Sake', I've listened to it nonstop for the past few hours. It's completely relateable to me and it sounds quite amazing. I've been into the screamo stuff lately. My music taste changes depending on my moods and lately I've been into the rougher stuff. So anyway my favorite song so far by TDWP is 'First Sight' and it's one of their newer songs because I found them on Youtube and it was advertising I think a new tour they're going on. They've been around for awhile. So yeah, that's been the highlight of my week.
I have all these things do for school next week and it's stressing me out. I've got a Biology Final Exam and Final Fitness Exam and a test on Romeo and Juliet coming up. Oh my, it just gets a tad overwhelming.
And to top that off, Christmas is coming! I don't even know if I'm going to buy Christmas presents this year because it's just been so hectic.
Well anyway, I think that's good enough for now. I'd like to think you're watching over me. That brings a smile on my face. I guess it's the small things, right?
I love you.(: x
Love,
Megan
