4/23/2015
Dear Self,
I haven't written a letter in like two years. To be honest, I guess lately I had just lost inspiration for everything. I use that excuse constantly, but it's true.
But anyway, this letter is just another way for me to expel my thoughts, problems, and emotions. I'm not exactly sure if this is a good idea to be writing this, but I don't know what else to do. So instead of typing to anyone else I'm going to direct this letter to myself. No matter what happens I'll always be stuck with myself so I guess I'm all I have.
Currently I have my iPod blaring into my ears to drown out the emotions I'm feeling. I feel like I'm in a pit of black lately. There's so many things on my mind so I'm just gonna hurl it all out here, okay? Alright.
First off, school shouldn't be having this much of an effect on me, but it has been. I feel as if I'm struggling to juggle my future and my education. I can't help but think about everything I have to do to prepare myself while at the same time I have to deal with the crap my school is throwing at me. Besides, I have this really horrible teacher this year who blames me and my friends for all of her mistakes. I'm sick of it! And that leads to my next point.
I'm sick of no one taking me seriously. It's ticking me off and I'm done with it. I'm almost to the point where I'd rather just keep to myself. I mean, I've told people stuff, I'm never one to just shut people out, but lately it feels like that might be the healthiest thing for me to do. I'm tired of not having anyone who understands. The people I go to either tell me to move on or to just get over it. They tell me that I'm wrong or that my opinions or feelings aren't right. Why am I never taken seriously anymore? Is it because I become too honest with people? Am I too sincere? I'm sorry if I'm too open for you. I thought that's what people wanted... to be open and honest with their companions, but I guess not.
Especially when everything's a competition. I'm fricking sick of hearing someone try to make their problems seem like they're more important or relevant than someone else's. It pisses me off. No one should feel like they're belittled and that they are insignificant. People break me down all the time about my problems and try to overpower me, but I'm learning to teach myself that my problems are just as important as theirs. I'm no less important. I'm not even sure why people make emotions and situations into a competition? Like, you could pay as much attention to them as possible and ask them everyday sincerely how they are doing and they will lie straight up to your face, BUT when the listener's problems get brought up into a conversation the other person is quick to confess to their own problems and direct the conversation to themselves. They divert all the attention to themselves. When does the person who is there for everyone else finally get someone who is there for her?
And also, I feel myself sinking again. There's this sick feeling...it's so close to my heart and I feel it eating at me again. Can you guess what it is? Depression. Yep, it came back even after I swore I'd ever let it take me over again. I swear I feel like breaking down. So many nights I feel like giving up and just erasing all those days clean I have behind me. So many nights I struggle to hold back these angry and confused tears and in the end I just feel so pathetic. I try to pep talk myself and tell myself I'm going to be okay, but these thoughts... they just never leave. I just want to be okay again. I use to be so happy, but I feel as if I was stripped of that happiness.
For the first time in what feels like forever I had someone genuinely as me if I was okay. It happened yesterday. I was scared and I felt all these negative feelings and one of my newer friends looked at me and out of the blue asked me if I was okay. And I remember standing there and contemplating on what I should say back. I told her I was fine? I freaking told her I was fine. But how often I've used that excuse to get out of answering that question is unfathomable.
