drabbles | bts (discont)

liar

first person perspective.

—

i faced an internal conflict.

i found it hard to wake up in the morning because i would be faced with the weight of the world. i found it hard to breathe when the air around me was the only thing keeping me alive. i found it hard to cope with the lies i spread around myself. i couldn't stop lying. i thought it was okay because sometimes lies make me happy — but in the long run, the lies just come back to haunt me.

i found it hard to look into my mother's eyes and tell her,

"i'm okay, mom. i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay."

but really, i wasn't okay. i was so fucking far from being okay — it's like i've been carved into this perfect person with only one feeling — happiness. but that isn't the truth. it's only a lie.

a lie that i've been feeding —

my whole life.

—

"didn't i tell you not to make a facebook? when did you make it, huh?"

"a few days ago." liar.

—

"why did you delete everything?" yoongi asks me.

"by everything, you mean—?"

"tumblr, twitter, instagram, facebook — everything jimin. every fucking thing."

i took a deep breath.

"i need to breathe, yoongi." i told him.

"because i only feel like i'm drowning."

yoongi sighs, and he comes to sit down beside me. he holds my hands firmly, like i'm going to be easily lost in a crowd of people, under the dewy, rainy skies of London, under the evergreen tree we used to always be.

"are you okay, jimin?"

and it's my turn to sigh.

"i'm okay."

liar.

fucking liar.

—

it's hard to put emotions into words.

"i'm gonna go to the washroom," i tell them.

seokjin looks up at me worriedly, "you okay?" he asks me. namjoon roars out a laugh, and hoseok giggles under his breath.

"he probably just needs to take a number two." namjoon says, patting seokjin on the back. but seokjin doesn't budge. his brows are still knitted in worry. he knows something is wrong.

i laugh, to hide the flaw. 

"i'm okay, hyung is right, i'm just gonna take a number two," 

my steps are quick, filled with anxiety.

—

it is gross, but i'm having diarrhea. 

it's probably caused by stress. my stomach has been hurting since morning — and although i hate doing my business in the school washroom, i don't want to hurt anymore.

if only pain was as easily curable as this.

how many years will it take for me to feel so happy again? like when i was still young?

why do i lie?

—

"jimin, are you interested in boys?" my mom once told me.

"would you prefer to be a girl?" she told me once, another time.

i would have to answer yes for both questions.

.

.

.

"jimin, 

are you depressed?"

and i would have to answer yes to that as well.

—

my google search history only involves the following.

depression

signs of depression

causes of depression

if you have depression do you really have depression?

i don't want to be like this.

God, please help me.

—

save me.