The Journal (Phan)

Two

"That's nonsense!" Phil laughed slightly. I shrugged and looked away. "Looky here Danny boy, you just haven't been around the right people! Come spend some time with me and my crew, we'll show you" He smiled. His blue eyes sparkled and his lips seemed to always be pulled up at the edges.
    "Please, it's Dan" I insisted. He rolled his eyes and gave a flick of the hand. "Dan Danny Daniel who cares all that matters is you are coming to my house after school okay? Okay." He continued. I hadn't ever been to someone's house unless they were family. I was slightly nervous and I didn't want to tell my mum. She would make a huge deal out of all this. She always makes big deals out of nothing. For all I know Phil could just be setting me up for disaster. Maybe he is just going to make fun of me or build me up just to break me down. Although so far Phil didn't exactly seem like the type to do that. He honestly didn't seem like he could actually hurt a fly.
    "Ok" I nodded. He finished his cocoa and stood up. "It's a date" He said, throwing his cup away. I paused. "A d-date?" I coughed. He giggled slightly and turned back around to me. "Not that kind of date, silly" He poked my nose and I blushed slightly. Of course it wasn't that kind of date. Phil is a boy. Why would he date me, another boy.
    I stood up and followed Phil out the door. We returned to the school and parted ways. I didn't have any other classes the whole day with Phil. The time went by incredibly slow. The whole time I was unable to focus. I was unbelievably excited to hang out with Phil. I felt like a kid that made its first friend. Well I guess I pretty much am a kid that made their first friend.
    The final bell went off signaling the end of seventh hour and I leaped out the door and sprinted to my locker. Phil was already there and I suddenly felt very conscious of the fact he already knew where my locker was when I hadn't ever told him.
   "Hey pretty boy" He patted my head as I approached. I cringed slightly and fixed my hair. I fiddled with the lock of my locker and managed to open the metal box. I put away my stuff and didn't bother with my book bag since I wasn't going home at the moment. I closed the locker and turned to Phil.
    "Alright" I smiled. He beamed and grabbed my hand. He pulled me out of the school for the second time today and we went over to a boy with silver hair. "Tyler this is Dan. Dan this is my mate Tyler" Phil introduced the boy. Tyler smiled and held out a hand.
    "Aye nice to meet you Dan" He said with an American accent. I've never heard an American speak in person. I nodded in acknowledgment. "Dan is intensely shy, love. Once you get to know him better he's a real chatter box though" Phil smirked slightly. My cheeks tinted pink and I looked to my shoes.
    "Well we best be on our way now" Phil linked his arm with mine and then Tyler's. My arm was awkwardly limp in his grasp but Tyler was all for Phil's gesture. "Troye and Peej are at you're flat, Chris will be joining in later" Tyler informed Phil. I hadn't realized Phil lived in an apartment. I suddenly wondered how a family fit into an apartment.
    "Sounds good, let's make sure everyone welcomes Dan with open arms. He is one of us now after all" Phil looked at me and squeezed my arm a bit. I couldn't help the large grin that spread across my face. I've never felt so liked. It was a new sensation.
     Tyler, Phil and I continued to walk to Phil's place. Small talk was made, mostly between Tyler and Phil. I would comment occasionally but nothing major of course. After what seemed like forever my legs were throbbing so hard I thought I might faint but Phil informed me we were here. We walked up a flight of stairs that I seriously thought were going to be the death of me and reached a door where Phil jiggled his key into the lock. The door popped open and we walked in. There were two boys on a couch infront of a TV watching what looked like Invader Zim.
    "Ello, lads" Phil greeted them. Neither boy looked up but gave a groan. I was assuming that was their way of saying hello back.
    "Boys! Pause the show and come meet Dan!" Tyler yelled as he shut the door behind us. One of the boys looked up and met eyes with me then reached for the remote. The other boy whined as the show was paused.
    "Hi there! I'm Troye" The boy who paused the show chimed. I gave an awkward wave and he smiled. "You are adorable!" He laughed. I tried to hide the blush that had over come my cheeks and turned away slightly. "Thanks" I mumbled.
    "Phil where did you find such a cutie?" The last unknown boy yelled to where ever Phil had disappeared. Phil popped his head around a corner. "He goes to my school. Play nice now, he's fragile" Phil giggled. I had to admit his giggle was kind of cute, for a boy that is.
    "That's PJ by the way" Tyler put a hand on my shoulder and pointed to the guy that was still looking at Phil. There was a lot of racket coming from the next room where Phil was hiding in. I was curious as to what was going on.
    "You can go in there, he won't mind" Troye seemed to have been reading my mind. I silently walked to where the noise was coming from. There was an open door to what I am presuming is his bedroom. I knocked on the open door and he looked up from the trunk he was searching in.
    "Dan! Hello" He smiled. I waved awkwardly again and he chuckled. "Would you like to help me find my phone? It's around here somewhere" He laughed as he scratched his head. I smiled and pointed to his pants. "It's in your back pocket" I said. His eyes widened and he did a circle as he attempted to look at his butt. Finally he realized how stupid it was and reached into his pocket grabbing his phone.
    "Daniel Howell you were not staring at my butt were you?" He teased. I blushed a deep red. That is the reason I knew his phone was in his pocket. I couldn't help myself! Every time he walked away my eyes always traveled down. It was pure instinct I swear.
    "What? No." I lied. He giggled again and got closer to me so he was in reach to poke my nose. "Kidding, love" he stuck out his tongue. I just nodded and looked away. He grabbed my hand for now the third time and pulled me back into the main room. There was now four boys sitting on the couch. Tyler with Troye in his lap and PJ next to someone else. They all looked up at Phil and I when we entered.
"Hey Chris" Phil said to the guy next to PJ. Chris nodded and went back to watching TV with the others. It was a somewhat small apartment but it was very nice. It seemed well polished and it was spacious with the lack of furniture. Phil dropped my hand and pulled out his phone. He was tapping frequently on the screen and seemed focus. I just stood awkwardly as everyone was busy. I wasn't sure if it would be rude to just sit down and scroll through tumblr. It was tempting though.
"Alright. Hungry anyone?" Phil asked putting his phone back into his pocket. I swear all the guys jumped two feet off the couch. They all rushed into the kitchen and Phil laughed. "What's on the menu today?" Tyler asked. Phil shrugged and all boys started rummaging through the cupboards. Once again I was just standing silently. I wondered if anyone ever felt as awkward as me. Sometimes I think my awkwardness radiates off to other people but I didn't seem to have that effect on this group of people.
----
"Thanks Phil, I had a good time" I said, looking at my shoes as we walked. Phil had offered to walk me home and no matter how many times I refused, he insisted on it.
"I'm glad. I think the guys really like you" He smiled. His shoulder brushed up against mine every so often and it sent tingles through my body. So much physical interaction in one day. I figured my mom would be happy to hear all this. Yet I doubt she would even believe me that it all actually happened.
"They are very...interesting. They seem cool" I said. He laughed and nodded in agreement. "They are a wonderful bunch" his sincerity made me smile. He was very fond of his friends. It was kind of cute how in awe of them he was. In a non homosexual way of course.
"Well, this is my stop" I sighed slightly. I didn't want to go home yet. Although at the same time my bed was calling for me. Today was absolutely exhausting. Phil grabbed my hand and pulled me into a hug.
"Goodbye, love. I'll see you tomorrow" He chimed. His hug was warm and foreign. I walked up to my front door in a haze of today's events. Hugging and touching, it was all so new to me.
Once I made it inside the small house I let out a frustrated grumble. "What's wrong dear?" Mum asked as she walked around the corner. I shrugged and laid my head on her shoulder with my arms still at my sides. She seemed a bit surprised at first but patted my head. "Alright something major must have happened"
"I'm alright ma. Just socially awkward and utterly exhausted" I explained. She rubbed circles into my back. Today was by far the weirdest. Perhaps I did like it a slight bit but it was still extremely weird.
"Your brother has a soccer practice. I need to go pick him up" She said. The thought of Adrian brought a small smile to my face. I loved my brother more than anyone in the world. He's the only one that seems to understand me.
"C-can I come?" I asked a bit nervous. I hadn't ever gone out in public with my mum since I was a wee boy. I really wanted to see Adrian though. I was excited to tell him about my new friends. I know he would be excited to hear about it as well.
"You want to pick up your brother with me? In public? Out of the house? Where people can see us? Where someone might talk to you?" She stared at me like I was a murderer or something. I just nodded and looked down to my shoes. She grabbed her purse without taking her eyes off me. "Alright" She sighed. She seemed more troubled than usual. I followed her out to the car and hopped into the passenger seat.
The ride to the fields seemed awkward and silent. I was to weird to turn the radio on and mum was to focused on driving to probably even think about the radio. Once I could see the kids in jerseys running around a grassy area with goals on it I started to feel giddy. Adrian was a bit muddy as he drove the ball down the field. Adrian has always been talented in sports. He only fancied soccer though. Other than his exercise, Adrian was quite similar to Me.
The car came to a stop as it was parked and I flew out the door and onto the grass. I ran to the outline and sat down. My mother soon followed and stood behind me. Adrian looked our way and we caught eyes. He then tripped over the ball and tumbled to the ground, now muddier than before. I couldn't help but laugh and my mom stared at me. Adrian got back up and I gave him a thumbs up. I could see him laughing as he brushed himself off and went back to the practice.
After about ten more minutes the coach blew the whistle and the team circled up. Adrian ran to us and he tackled me in a hug.
"Dan!" He laughed. I smiled and hugged him back. "Hi" I said. He was dirty and very close to me. I awkwardly rolled away from him and stood up.
"I can't believe you left the house!" He exclaimed. I shrugged. "I have been gone most of the day actually" I informed him. His head tilted to the side in confusion, it reminded me of a puppy.
"Did you stay after school or something?" He asked. I shook my head no and he looked up to our mum who simply shrugged. We started to walk to the car as I told him about Phil.
"Then he invited me to his house after school" I smiled. Adrian was beaming with enthusiasm. "That's great Dan" His smile was larger than mine. He was happier about this than I was. Which is usually how it goes when it comes to Adrian.
"Alright boys" My mum interrupted us. I looked out the window to see we were home. Adrian and I jumped out the car and ran inside, laughing as we pushed each other gently. I got to the door first and blocked it.
"I win!" I laughed. He tried to push me out of the way. "Move you lard I have to take a whizz" He danced around holding his crotch. My mum turned the door knob and I fell backwards. I knew I shouldn't have been putting all my weight on the door.
"Finally" Adrian squealed as he made his way into the bathroom. I got up and checked myself for scrapes. Not a single scratch. That's impressive for me.
I decided it was time to retire to my room. The moment I stepped into my safe haven I was reminded of my reality. I had almost forgotten about the fact I isolate myself from society in an attempt to escape my invisible life. Atleast maybe things would take a turn for the better.
I sat down at my desk chair and opened my laptop. My story still on the screen. I had finished it last night in hopes that people would finally notice me. When I checked the views I was disappointed as usual. There was no one that even looked at my story. Not even one person! I felt slightly angry with the world.
"Do I not exist?!?" I yelled to no one. It's not the first time I have yelled to myself. I used to have a very bad habit of talking to myself. It stopped when I started with my writing. Maybe my story just needed a little editing. I had already spent so much time changing and proofreading it though. It's not like it was a boring or bad story. The plot line was slightly expected of course but what novel isn't easy to predict! Porter was a lonely boy and Felix was his anchor. Without Felix, Porter would have gotten lost in himself. Without Porter, Felix would have forgotten what it was like to have a friend. They needed each other but at the same time were making each other a toxic mess. There was drama and passion. It had ups and downs, simply perfection. It was everything I wish I had in my life. I felt like Porter and I were one. The only difference is he made it out. He survived so called life and I'm still stuck in a loop of nothingness. Never being seen and never being heard. Although there is Phil. It's still to soon to let my guard down around Phil though. He could easily play me.
I opened one of my drawers and pulled out my black leather journal. The one item that held all my feelings. The only object that knew more about me than I probably knew about myself. The journal that I had thought Phil read this morning. The one that could easily break me if it was ever found.

11/11/15
I finally finished it. Forty eight chapters later and the story is finally done. The tale has been told. It feels nice to have accomplished it but at the same time I feel slightly empty now. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself. Perhaps I'll end up writing a sequel. Anyway I met a boy this morning. He had already known my name. My full name. His name is Phil and that's all I really know. He is nice and kind of silly so far but you never really know. I ended up going to his flat, he lives alone as far as I know. He has a pretty large group of friends that were there as well. They all seem nice enough but I haven't really talked to them so you know. I'm utterly exhausted yet I am avoiding going to bed. I'm afraid mum will do the same thing as last time where she lets me sleep for days till she finally wakes me up. Im so far behind in school already I can't afford missing anymore.

After my journal entry I attempted to hold back a yawn and failed entirely. I shut the notebook and slid it back into its drawer. I was feeling a bit light headed as I stood up so I waited a second before making my way out of my room and into the kitchen. I opened the fridge and poured myself a glass of iced tea. It was the only caffeinated object my mum would allow me drink around the house. She knows I do anything to stay awake. I used to binge on RedBull but after a while my mum refused to buy anything like that anymore. I sat at the counter and sipped my tea.
"You alright" Adrian smiled, walking in with dripping wet hair and no shirt. "Good, you?" I responded. He nodded and got a bottle of water from the fridge, coming to stand on the other side of the counter in front of me.
"What's on your mind, brother" He asked. I shrugged and took another sip of my tea. I knew what was on my mind but I wasn't sure how to word it. It was slightly embarrassing. "It's that Phil boy isn't it? Or the Tyler one" He chuckled slightly. I felt my cheeks start to burn and I hid my face in my hands.
"Of course not! Why would I be thinking about them?" I squeaked. My voice tends to go higher when I lied. I wasn't technically lying. I hadn't been thinking about Tyler, I mean he seemed like a cool guy and all but Phil is the one that is haunting my mind. I am not entirely sure why though.
"Oh come on. Is he cute? What's he look like? You like him don't you" Adrian teased. I gasped and almost fell of my chair causing my tea to spill out the top of my glass.
"Phil is a boy Adrian" I hissed. Adrian scratched his neck and looked away from me. "I'm sorry Dan... I guess I just kind of assumed" He apologized. I felt anger in the pit of my stomach.
"Assumed? Assumed! What, that I was gay?" I yelled. I could see the fear in his eyes and instantly felt bad for yelling at him. It's not his fault. I never talk about crushes or what I like so how was he suppose to know. Honestly I didn't even know. I hadn't ever really been attracted to anyone to be honest. I was to caught up in hating myself to think about liking others.
"Could you blame me Dan? Look at yourself!" He yelled back. I wasn't expecting it and was finding myself holding back tears. "That's so stereotypical! You are such an idiot" I stormed back into my room. He yelled something after I left but my heart beat in my ears was to loud to hear him. It had honestly been a long time since Adrian and I had an argument of that sort. I was just to tired to react casually to him I suppose. It honestly didn't bother me that he thought I was gay. I get that all the time. I'm not saying that I'm not gay but I'm also not saying I am. I really don't think I am anything. Is that even possible, to not be attracted to either gender. I had heard of people being attracted to both but I hadn't ever heard of someone being attracted to neither.
This is the most deep thinking I have done in one day. The second I made it to my bed and my head hit the pillow I was out like a light. Slipping into a long dreamless sleep.