The Journal (Phan)

Four

    I didn't sleep long. Only a couple hours. I grabbed my clothes and decided I honestly needed a shower. It's been almost a week since I had my last shower. I walked into the bathroom and set my clothes on the counter. I locked the door and then peeled off my clothes. Hopping in the shower and quickly cleaning myself. The smell of the fruity soap filling the now steamy bathroom. I sang quietly to myself and let my mind wander. It continued to go straight to Phil. His striking blue eyes and his cute smile. His black hair that I just wanted to ruffle with my fingers every time I see him. What am I getting myself into.
    I quickly got dressed and straightened my hobbit hair. As I looked at myself in the mirror I looked...different. I'm not sure exactly how I looked different I just did. I smiled to myself and exited the bathroom. When I went back to my room my phone was blowing up. I checked it to see that for the first time I had text messages that weren't from my mum. They were all from Phil.

Dan
Dan
Dan
Daniel
Danny
Dan
Dan
Mate
Dan

    I swiped the screen on my phone and replied with a 'what' he then called me and I groaned. It was to early for this type of stuff to be honest. I seriously hate being social but at the same time I really wanted to talk to Phil. So I answered.
    "You didn't have to spam my phone. I was in the shower" I said as soon as I answered. "Well hello to you to Dan. Anyway I just wanted to know if you were up for some hanging out with me and the guys" He asked. I chewed on my lip and thought about it. "Will Tyler be there" I asked a bit nervously. I felt slightly embarrassed about how I acted with Tyler and I honestly didn't want to face him. Of course I want to apologize but at the same time I kind of wanted to avoid the situation at hand.
    "Yes Dan and I think it would be best if you talked to him" Phil's voice went serious and I missed his usually bubbly tone. He was right though. As much as I hated it I needed to talk to Tyler. What I had said was beyond rude. I must apologize for my vulgarity.
    "Alright Phil, what's the day plan?" I asked with a sigh. I could practically hear his excitement through the phone. "We are going to go to the mall and torment Troye at his work till he gets off then we are all going to the movies and dinner after" He was talking fast and my chest started to cave in. That sounds like a lot of unwanted social interaction. God I'm to socially awkward for life.
    "What time do you want me to be at the mall?" I asked, running a hand through my hair in habit. "Just come to my flat, mate" He said then there was a click signaling he hung up. I felt slightly panicked since I wasn't sure if that meant come over now.
    I looked at myself in the full length mirror and pondered. What if Phil gets to know me better and leaves. What if he sees the real me My thoughts seemed to be screaming the worst possible out comes of Phil and me. I don't know why I'm over thinking this so much. It's not like we are dating it's just a simple friendship.
    I let out a long sigh and grabbed my vans. I walked out my room and to the front door where I slipped on the shoes. "Bye mum I'm going to Phil's" I yelled and closed the front door before I could get a response. I didn't have a car and I wasn't completely sure if I could find my way back to Phil's.
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    It has been about thirty minutes of me attempting to find Phil's apartment building. I continue to turn down wrong streets and walk in circles. I mentally face palm myself for not have planning ahead. I should have asked Phil for directions but it's to late now.
    I found a tree that looked vaguely familiar and started walking in its direction. Perhaps I finally found the correct area. There was a fountain that I remembered and a a beautiful flower bed.
    "See Dan you're not completely hopeless" I laughed slightly. Although I cringed at the fact that I was once again talking to myself. I found the building where the beautiful blue eyed boy was living.
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    "What took you to long?" Phil asked taking my jacket off for me and hanging it up. A faint blush hinted at my cheeks. "I-I got lost" I squeaked. He was trying to hold back his laughs but he was not doing very well.
    "It's not even that far from your home, love" He giggled. I crossed my arms and huffed. His face fell slightly and put his hand on my arm. "Hey now don't get like that. Be a good lad" He smiled. Heat continued to rise to my cheeks as he looked into my eyes. Once again I was getting lost in his baby blue eyes. My eyes seem so dull compared to his.
    "Uhm..." I coughed and he dropped his hand from my arm. His goofy smile found its way to his face as he started to walk into the flat, bringing me with him.
    "Tyler is picking us up soon" He informed me as he flipped onto the couch. I nibbled on the inside of my cheek at the mention of Tyler. I was still dreading coming face to face with him. God why in the bloody hell am I such a terrible person.
    "Don't worry, mate" Phil said sensing my trouble. I sat next to him on the couch with a good distance between us. "Tyler understands" He continued. That's when I got confused. I am not sure what there is for Tyler to understand. I was being a complete arse for no reason at all.
    "I'm sorry? What is it he understands" I asked politely. Phil didn't meet my eyes. He was staring at the TV. "You know in order for that to work the TV has to be on" I laughed slightly. Now was his time to blush. He scratched his shoulder subconsciously.
    "Psh don't you know, this is the best show ever!" He smiled and stuck out his tongue slightly. I rolled my eyes and turned to him. He was still watching the TV but I saw him sneak a glance at me through the corner of his eye,
    "You're so silly" I smiled. He stuck out his tongue and turned away from the TV, now facing me.
    "Thank you, love. I try" He said as he poked my nose. I went cross eyed and then looked back to Phil. He opened his mouth but before he managed to say anything Tyler burst through the door.
    "Daddy I'm home" Tyler yelled. I burst out laughing and fell back on the couch. I was holding my aching sides as I continued to laugh.
    "Dan! I didn't know you were joining us today" Tyler said clapping his hands together. I wiped away a tear that had been forming due to my laughter.
    "Phil made me" I pointed at Phil. "I did" He agreed. Tyler looked from me to Phil and back again. Since I had fallen back into the couch I was now remotely closer to Phil. Phil's eyes met mine and I looked away with heat rising to my cheeks.
    "Well, what are you waiting for? LETS GO ANNOY BOYFRIEND" Tyler waved his arms in the air frantically. Phil giggled and my mind stuttered over the word boyfriend. I hadn't actually known that Tyler was gay. I assumed it of course because well he's Tyler. I remembered earlier when Phil had mentioned annoying Troye at work. Does that mean Troye and Tyler are dating or is that just some crazy coincidence that his BF and Troye work at the same place and same time.
    "Tyler" I said as I stood up. My voice was a little shaky and I felt Phil stand up next to me. He rubbed my arm gently and I looked at him. He was giving me the most cute encouraging smile I have seen.
    "Dan it's ok" Tyler must have known what I was going to say but I wasn't going to let him not hear me out on this.
    "No Tyler it's not ok. I was a bloody arse to you and it needs to be talked about. I'm not a homophobe so I don't know why I said those things and I am brutally sorry. I just wasn't expecting it I suppose I mean about my brother you know. It just bothered me that there was something about him that other people knew that I knew nothing about" I explained. Tyler came up to me and wrapped me in a hug. His embrace was warm and friendly.
    "It's ok, love. I completely understand" He said. I liked that he was so easily forgiving me. If it was me in his situation I would've never talked to me again. I guess others have a better social status then I do though.
    "Alright now that's out of the way can we go? I'm starving" Phil groaned. I nodded, as did Tyler.
    We left Phil's apartment and Tyler drove us to the mall. I had never been to the mall before and the amount of people around us was suffocatingly nerve racking. Phil seemed to sense this as he grabbed my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.
    "You will get through it" He whispered for only me to hear. I could feel his breath on my ear and it sent shivers down my spine. "I hope so" I responded. His hand didn't leave mine as we entered a clothing store. Troye was hanging some shirts on a rack.
    "BOYFRIEND" Tyler tackled him in a hug, causing shirts to go everywhere. Troye groaned and flicked Tyler's cheek. "Now look what you did" Troye said holding back laughs. Troye looked up to me and Phil and looked at our hands. I instantly dropped his hand and Phil almost whimpered at the loss.
    "Oh don't get all self conscious now" Troye laughed. I scratched my arm awkwardly and Phil's eyes seemed sad.
    "Where's the others?" Asked Tyler. Troye looked at him in confusion for a slight second. "They aren't here. Are they suppose to be here?" Troye was picking up the shirts and hanging them back up.
    "Yeah. They said they would meet us here and that was like an hour ago" Tyler was typing on his phone. Phil let out a small laugh. "They are probably busy doing the dirty" Phil giggled. My eyes widened as I processed it. I couldn't help the gasp that came out of my mouth.
    "Is something wrong Dan" Troye asked me. I felt bad for reacting so shocked. It's not like it bothers me. Right? Why would it bother me my own brother is a homosexual.
    "He's fine" Phil said for me. I looked at him with thankful eyes and he nodded. Then my mind started to wonder. Is Phil gay? I mean just because his friends are gay doesn't mean he is. Does he have some boyfriend I haven't met yet.
    I looked Phil up and down for a second. He does look gay. Wait Dan that's stereotypical. Honestly I probably look gay if we were going to go off ones apparel. Oh no. Does Phil think I'm gay.
    "You are thinking to hard" Phil put his hand on my face. I cringed away from it. What if he does think I'm gay. What if the only reason he noticed me was because I was eye candy to him.
    "Dan, what's wrong" Phil asked in a concerned tone. I looked to where Tyler was helping Troye fold pants. I am practically alone with him! Although I have been actually alone with him in the past and he doesn't try anything. I don't think he has atleast. I honestly wouldn't know.
    "It's nothing" I forced a smile. I ran a hand through my chocolate brown hair and blinked the confusion from my chocolate brown eyes. Phil seemed to buy this and he turned back to the couple folding clothes.
    "When are you off, mate" Asked Phil. Troye put the last pair of pants on a shelf and smiled. "Now" He took off his lanyard and walked to the register. There was a petite girl with wavy brown  hair that seemed to be giving Troye heart eyes.
    "I'm off now Becca, see you tomorrow" He smiled. She giggled and waved a goodbye. Her giggle was nothing compared to Phil's. Hers was flirtatious and sickening but Phil's was genuine.
    I followed the group out of the store and back into the crowded middle area of the mall. Phil stayed close to my side as we walked. Troye and Tyler were holding hands in front of us. 
    "So Dan, I heard about your little outburst on Tyler" Troye said without looking back. Tyler hit Troyes arm and gave him a look of anger. "Troye what the bloody hell are you doing" Phil asked. Troye didn't seem phased.
   "No one else is going to talk about it so I am. Dan you are gay. I know you are going to say no I'm not but you are. We can all see the way you look at Phil and" I cut him off. "Phil?!? How do I look at Phil"
    Tyler and Troye both turned around and stared at me. Phil was glaring at Troye. "Look mate I'm sorry but you don't really have the right to tell me what I am" I spat at him. He seemed shocked and Tyler's eyes were sorrowful and apologetic.
    "He does have a point Troye. You can't just tell him he's gay. Even if he is gay it's his choice when to say it" Tyler said. "I'm not a homosexual" I hissed. I turned around and began storming away from them. I hit a few people in the process of attempting to walk through the mall which only made me more angry. I couldn't exactly tell why I was so angry.
    "Dan" I heard someone yell after me. I turned around to see a running Phil maneuvering his way through the people to get to me. I wanted to continue walking away but something made me plant my feet where I was.
    "Dan...I'm....Sorry..." He was bent over with his hands on his knees as he tried to regain his breath. It made me laugh slightly and then I remembered I was supposed to be angry.
    "What is it Phil" I asked. He looked at me and then looked down to his shoes. "I'm sorry Troye is an arse. Your sexuality is your choice, love. I respect that" His eyes met mine and the beauty that swirled in his silvery blue eyes made me forget about being mad.
    "It's alright. For all I know he could be correct. I'm just not sure yet you know" I scratched my arm awkwardly. Phil nodded and put a hand on my shoulder giving it a gentle squeeze.
    "Aye no worries, mate. You'll figure it out" His smile was cute and it matched his eyes.
    "Phil I'm going to go home" I informed him. His smile seemed to falter. He nodded his head and removed his hand from my shoulder.
    "I understand, love. Come over later will you?" He asked with a spark of hope that seemed to ignite in him. I smiled and gave a head nod.
    "Living alone is rubbish. I'll come keep you company" I laughed. He was excited and I could see it. Phil seemed to portray his emotions very well.
    "Great. Good bye Dan!" He was about to turn and leave when I grabbed his arm and pulled him back. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him closely. He hugged back and tried to hide a giggle that I still heard.
     "Goodbye Phil" I said and then I made my way to the exit of the mall. Maybe Troye is right. The only thing is I don't feel sexually attracted to men. Although I don't really feel sexually attracted to woman either. I know I am attracted to Phil I just don't know in what way. I love his smile and his laugh and the way he treats me and everything like that but those are the same reasons I love my brother. Is it even possible to like someone without liking them sexually.
    After a long walk and way to much thinking I entered the door to my house with a banging headache. "Dan?" My mum called from upstairs.
    "Yes mum" I yelled back. I went into the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle and a granola bar, sitting at the island and letting the surroundings of home free my mind. I heard footsteps down the stairs and groaned at the intrusion of my peace.
    "Where did you go honey?" Asked my mum. I broke off a bit of the granola bar and popped it into my mouth. "I told you I was going to Phil's" I was muffled by my chewing.
    "Daniel darling swallow before you speak" She gave a gentle slap on my shoulder. I shrugged and took another piece of the granola bar and placing it in my mouth.
    "I'm glad you have made friend Daniel but I would still like to know where you are. Text me or something to check up every once in a while. I'd also like to know where Phil lives and meet his parents. Phil seems like a dashing young lad but you never know about the parents" She was going on one of her mum rants. I finished chewing and took a drink of my water.
     "Phil lives alone" I stated. She gasped slightly at this. "Alone? How old is he" She seemed worried. I laughed and choked on my water slightly.
    "Relax mum he is in my grade. He couldn't possibly be older than eighteen" I said. She nodded and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.
    "Then why exactly does he live alone" She wondered. I shrugged. "Haven't asked. I'm going over there later, I'll ask him then" She didn't seem to happy about this new information.
    "Dan I'm not so sure about this" Her tone was skeptical and I rolled my eyes. "Mum it's Phil. What's the worst that could happen?" I laughed. She slowly nodded her head. I know she was just being protective. It's a big step for me to be doing all this friend stuff so soon. She is probably just looking out for me. I trust Phil. I know everything is going to be fine even if I am all alone with him.