The Journal (Phan)

Seven

I was having a moment. It was only a small moment but a moment none the less. I angrily threw my notebooks across my bedroom. Tears were springing from my eyes like no tomorrow and the amount of profanities leaving my lips left me sounding worse than a sailor.
"Dan?" My mother questioned through my closed door. I didn't respond, instead I continued to lash out. My mother attempted to turn the doorknob but it was locked so there was no way she could get in.
"Piss off!" I screamed. I ran a hand through my hair and let out a shaky frustrated sigh. To be brutally honest I had no idea what was creating such a foul mood inside me. I heard my moms footprints leave my doorway signalling she either gave up or went to get help. My guess is the latter one.
"What is going on?!?" I screamed in confusion as I punched my mirror. It wasn't me in that mirror anyway. It was something else. Something deep inside me that was waiting to be unleashed.
"Dan, Can I come in?" I heard my brother now. I growled out a response and threw my fist against the wall leaving it crumbling in on itself and a large hole.
"Dan should I get Phil?" Adrian asked. I cringed at the name. I wouldn't want him to see me like this. I wouldn't want anyone to see me like this. I am a complete mess. I can't even control myself. What if Phil came over and I lashed out on him? What if I hit him? Or say something that makes him never come back?
"I'm going to get help" Adrian informed me which caused me to thrash around harder now with more anger pulsing through me. I didn't want to see Phil. There's nothing he could do to help. He can't fix me. He can't be my felix because I can't be Porter. Porter was fixable. He had potential. I'm just a hopeless, worthless, piece of trash.
I dug my fingernails into my cheeks and dragged them down. It stung and I knew I would ripped the skin. I hissed but the pain felt almost relaxing. Blood dripped down my face and onto my black Tshirt.
My phone buzzed on my desk so I picked it up and threw it at the wall. It smashed in on itself and glass flittered to the carpet. I needed to get fresh air. I needed to clear my mind. I couldn't bring myself to do it though. At Least not through my door. There was no way I was unlocking it.
I grabbed my leather jacket and slipped it on before going over to my window and practically slamming it open. I jumped out the window and landed perfectly on my feet. I stood up and started to walk down the yard. My body was pumping with something I couldn't quite pinpoint. It wasn't anger anymore and it wasn't adrenaline.
I had no idea where I was going but I continued to walk anyway. My brain was all over the place, battling with itself. Not a single topic lasted a minute in my head because I was already jumping to something else.
I turned a corner and found myself nearing downtown. I hadn't ever really visited downtown much. I never really had a reason. The first few buildings were small stores. It ranged from clothing to flowers and it would've been cute if I wasn't in this mindset.
"Hey there" A man leaning against one of the walls said. I looked around but we were the only ones here. I pointed to myself and he nodded.
"Yeah, you look a little lost" The man smirked. Now when I say man I mean man. This guy had such a manly edge to him it made me look like a toddler girl. I wasn't sure what to do or say.
"I'm alright" I told him. He chuckled in response. It was very deep and raspy sounding. He stood up straight and he ended up towering over me. I didn't know if I was suppose to be intimidated or aroused but I had a little bit of both going on.
"You smoke?" He asked pulling a pack of fags out the back pocket of his unnecessarily tight black jeans. I shook my head no. I had never even been around a cigarette let alone smoke one. He pulled one of the stogies from the pack and brought it to his lips, replacing the pack into his pants. I watched intently as he lit the cancer stick and inhaled deeply. He didn't cough or gag like I know I would've. Instead he easily exhaled less smoke then he originally inhaled with a smirk playing at his lips.
"So kid, what brings you around the streets at this time of night" The man asked, scratching his stubbly jawline. I looked up at the sky and sure enough there were the moon and stars. My mom was going to he worried sick. I can't believe I was stupid enough to leave my house alone with no phone without telling anyone where I was going. Sometimes I can be so careless.
"Just went for a walk. Guess I didn't realise how late it was" I said shoving my hands in my leather jacket pockets. It was starting to get too chilly for just a jacket. My feet were frozen in my black vans.
"It can be dangerous around here you know, especially for young attractive boys such as yourself" His eyes never left mine. I tried to look away but just couldn't. The grayish silver of his eyes was unlike anything I had ever seen.
"Yeah I should probably head home" I said finally turning my eyes from his. He took another deep breath of his cigarette and exhaled it away from my face. At Least he had common curtesy.
"Wouldn't want to worry your boyfriend to much now would we?" He smiled. I turned back to him like a deer caught in headlights. "I-I don't...H-how did...I..." I could barely manage to stutter anything out at all. His deep chuckle filled the air around us.
"No need to get all flustered lad" He was amused. I was out of words and reactions. I was frozen. He just continued to stand there, cigarette dangling from his lips.
"I don't have a boyfriend...I-I I'm not...gay" I whispered the last word. The mans eyebrow quirked upward and he flicked the butt of his smoke away and stepped forward. "Is that so" He said before backing me up against the other wall. His body was being pushed into mine and I could feel his tobacco smelling breath on my face.
"You sure about that kid?" He asked, placing his hands on ether side of me. I was trapped. My breath hitched as his hips ground against mine slightly. "N-no" I shakily whispered. His face had that smirk on it again.
"Thought so" He moved away from me and back to the wall he was originally leaning against. He crossed his arms and watched me struggle to keep myself together.
"Go on home and if that little boyfriend, sorry crush of yours ever gets boring then you come down here and see me" He gave a head nod. I was utterly shocked and my mind was exploding. I have never been in a situation like this before.
"Get outta here kid. Don't worry your mummy anymore than need be" He turned and started to walk away. I watched him until he was out of sight and then I sat on the sidewalk and brought my knees to my chest.
"What the fuck" I mumbled to myself. I could feel myself caving, letting myself come back from whatever the fuck just happened. Letting the brick walls around my mind break down. Tears started to fall from my eyes and I felt so lost. I just had absolutely no idea what was going on in this world or even what was going on in my own head.
"Dan?" I heard someone ask. I looked up to find my brother standing with Ki and Tyler. I think I was glad to see them.
"Oh my god Dan we found you! We have been looking for hours" Adrian rushed over to me. Ki and Tyler followed with curious but worried expressions.
"Thank god. I'm going to call Phil" Tyler said as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Oh no" I mumbled. Phil. My brain was screaming at me for not just calling him and letting him comfort me from the start. Instead I ran away and walked the streets at the middle of the night. I'm lucky that one guy didn't rape me. Would it have been rape? I feel like I would've let him. What am I becoming.
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"I'm sorry" I whispered once Phil opened his front door. He had been crying and it was obvious. He reached out and roughly pulled me into a tight hug.
After Adrian brought me home once he found me, my mom sat me down and yelled at me for hours then sent me off to Phil's. She didn't ground me or anything which is what I'm sure would have happened to a normal teenager.
"Don't ever worry me like that again" He continued to squeeze me to death. He pulled away just barely so he could look into my eyes. His beautiful blue orbs pleading with my dull brown ones. I looked away out of instinct and well quite frankly shame.
"If you have something going on Dan, you call me. I'll be there. I'll always be there." He was practically begging me, sorrow and sadness filling his now glossy eyes. It was almost too much of a sight. It was almost another breakdown for me.
"I broke my phone" my voice was quiet and a bit shaky. He sighed and released me from his grip. "How?" He asked. Stepping away so I could enter the foyer. I slid my shoes off and moved them to the side then turned and stood awkwardly, scratching my arm.
"It hit a wall. I may or may not have... Thrown it" I admitted. He laughed but it wasn't joyful, it was filled with stress and disappointment. "Of course you did" He mumbled. I knew I fucked up. I knew I hurt him. Yet I couldn't really bring myself to say I regret it. I don't exactly know why though.
"Phil can we just move on" I finally hissed with anger. He looked at me and then shook his head in disappointment. "Move on? Move on?!? You could have bloody died out there. You were alone Dan, in the dark and without a phone. We could have lost you. I could have lost you" He yelled at me. I cringed and felt tears stinging my eyes.
"Well maybe you should have! Maybe it was for the best. I'm a literal fucking wreck Phil. You can't fix me. No one can fix me. Maybe I wanted to die out there. Maybe I was planning on it. Maybe I was hoping that bloody idiot would rape me then leave me dead in a ditch somewhere. Maybe I just bloody wanted it! How about that, is that what you wanted? For me to tell you I wanted it. You can't fix me Phil. You can't fix me. Y-you c-can't fix m-me" I starting with screaming but by the end I was sobbing pathetically and barely even understandable. Phil watched my outburst calmly. His eyes no longer filled with sorrow but with something else. Perhaps it was pity?
"Oh Dan" He whispered, once again bringing me into him and I crumbled, clinging onto him for dear life. I sobbed into his shoulder. I was pathetically wheezing and snot was running from my nose. I probably looked like trash. At least I didn't look like a lie.
"Dan I don't want to fix you. There's nothing to fix. You are perfect exactly how you are. You're funny and kind and your eyes speak more than your words ever could. your so shy it's adorable and you're attractive, you are extremely open minded and you're different. I love the way you are. You dress with your own style and your smile shines brighter than anyone's I know plus you don't go around sharing it with everyone. You share it with me and that makes me feel special. I want you to feel special too, because you are Dan. You are special to me" He was running his hand through the back of my hair with one hand and rubbing my back with the other. Any words I could possibly say were caught in my throat.
"I love you Dan, you're my best friend" He placed a kiss on my head and I felt my heart flutter. I am his best friend. That's what I wanted right, A friend? This is what I was searching for this whole time. So why do I feel so unsatisfied? Why do I feel so genuinely disappointed?
"Phil" I moved away from him. He smiled at me and I didn't know what I was saying. I didn't know what was happening. "I-I think I" love you. My mouth didn't say it though. Because he wouldn't take it the way I mean it. What way do I even mean it?
"You what, love?" He waited patiently but the words just weren't coming out. I started to feel like I was suffocating. The air around me got thicker and my breathing felt more shallow. He noticed this and put a hand on my shoulder. I felt like sparks were running from his hand into my body.
"I think I need to g-go" I whispered. I attempted to move away from him and back to my shoes but he grabbed my wrist firmly and stopped me from going anywhere. "You just got here Dan" He reminded me. I bit my lip and nodded. He knew something was wrong.
"Dan, do you need to sit down? Should we talk" He asked. "N-no. I'm fine. I-I just need...some water" I lied. He smiled and gave a nod. Phil dropped my wrist and turned to go to the kitchen. I didn't follow though. I was frozen again.
What am I becoming I asked myself for the second time in a twenty four hour basis. There was something weird that Phil was causing inside my head. Something I hadn't ever witnessed before. I felt like my body was on fire every time he touched me and his giggle always erupted butterflies into my stomach. What did any of this mean? Is this what friendship is like?
"Are you sure your okay?" He asked when he returned, glass of water in hand. I nodded because I didn't trust my words. My brain felt like it was going to explode. So much has happened today. None of it made sense to me.
"Phil I'm fine don't worry" I assured him, taking the glass and chugging it. He nodded and walked further into the apartment. I actually followed him this time. We went into the living room and he sat on the couch. I set down the glass on his coffee table and sat on the other end of the couch.
"Can I ask you something?" Phil looked at me. I nodded and looked anywhere and everywhere except at him. He sighed and this caused me to gaze at him for only a second but in that one second I caught his expression and it scared me. He looked nervous. Which is rare for him.
"You said something earlier about you wished that one guy had raped and killed you, what one guy were you talking about?" He asked. I forgot I had made that little slip up. I mentally hit my head against a wall at my stupidity. Phil searched my face intently and I continued to not look at him.
"Nothing. No one, it's nothing. Don't worry about it" I told him, adding a little hand wave to try and prove I was fine. He wasn't buying it though. He moved his hand closer to mine on the couch and I thought he was going to take my hand in his. He didn't though.
"Stop telling me not to worry. I'm always going to worry. It's what I do" His voice was calm again, no loner nervous. It was even soft and sweet sounding. I shook my head and finally looked at him.
"No you smile and laugh. You tell cheesy jokes and make funny faces. You drink an unhealthy amount of hot chocolate and you giggle the cutest giggle imaginable. You have more friends than I have insecurities, which is saying a lot. You're adorably awkward without even realising it and your so innocently childish. Worrying, no that's not you." I told him. My eyes never left his and he his eyes had some type of emotion in them. Something I constantly saw in them but never to this extent. I had this weird urge in me to just lean forward and press my lips against his. That's not what friends do though. Right? Right.
"Oh Dan" Phil whispered, his hand finding mine like I thought it was going to do earlier. I stared at our hands. Friends hold hands all the time. It's not weird. It doesn't mean anything. We are just close best friends. I sighed and looked back to him.
"It was a guy I ran into downtown" I informed him, referring to his original question. His face was confused at first and then he realised what I was talking about. His mouth formed a little o. He waited for me to continue. He wanted the whole story.
"Nothing really happened. He called me gay. I told him I wasn't. He didn't believe me so he pushed me against a wall and proved to me I was" I acted like it was nothing. His hand squeezed mine. He wasn't looking at me anymore. He was thinking, while he stared at our hands. He made a few facial expressions that I didn't quite catch.
"What do you mean by he proved to you that you were" He asked still not looking at me. He was scared of what my answer was going to be. This time I squeezed his hand. "It was nothing really. He just got me aroused. He didn't rape me or anything" I assured him. He still wasn't satisfied. He finally looked at me and his eyes were watery. I was confused. Why was he reacting so badly. It wasn't to big of a deal.
"Dan what exactly did he do" His voice was almost shaky. I scrunched my eyebrows and removed my hand from his. "Why does it matter so much" I asked but it came out harsh. I didn't mean for it to though. He cringed slightly but recovered quickly.
"You told me you were asexual" Phil said but it seemed as though he was more talking to himself than to me. I remembered back to that conversation. It was when he told me that's what he was. I had almost entirely forgotten about it.
"No I told you I thought I was Asexual. It wasn't experimented or anything. Now I know I'm not" I told him. He nodded. He understood what I was saying. Yet he didn't look to happy about it. I watched him out of curiosity.
"Yeah" He looked like he was battling with himself. His facial expressions changing every so often. I wasn't sure what to say. "Did you like him? Are you going to see him again?" Phil was now filled with anxiety. I cocked my head to the side and laughed a bit.
"Phil why does any of this matter? We've never talked about something like this before. Why are you so nervous?" I asked him. He looked into my eyes. His innocent blue eyes were on the verge of a breakdown. He looked extremely lost and confused. I related to him. I related to that feeling of having no idea what was happening or why.
"Dan I...I don't think I can be your friend" He whispered. I gasped and he wouldn't look me in the eyes anymore. I knew something like this was going to happen. I knew from the start he was building me up just to break me down. Why did I ever think this was going to work out? How on earth did I think I was going to be okay?
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