The Journal (Phan)

Eight

"Dan I...I don't think I can be your friend" He whispered. I gasped and he wouldn't look me in the eyes anymore. I knew something like this was going to happen. I knew from the start he was building me up just to break me down. Why did I ever think this was going to work out? How on earth did I think I was going to be okay?
"Why" I asked without even realising it. He finally looked at me and my heart broke at his confusion. He stood up and turned away from me. He couldn't look at me. Why couldn't he look at me? Why was he doing this to me? I thought he was different, I thought he was going to be my saviour. Now I know I relied to much on nothing.
"Dan I...I-I t-think...you should go" The end was barely audible and I could tell it wasn't originally what he was going to say. I stood up and reached out to touch his shoulder but he moved.
"Phil" I whispered. "Please" Tears started to run down my cheeks. I couldn't loose him. I couldn't go back to being invisible. I just couldn't. This was going to break me. This was going to be the end.
He turned back around to me and his eyes were more depressed than mine. If it was hurting him so bad to not be my friend then why was he doing it? "Dan, I don't want what you want. I don't want this" He moved his hand to motion between him and I. "I want this" He then laced his fingers with mine. I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion.
"What do you mean" I asked him. He sighed and dropped my hand, looking away again. "I don't like it being you and I. I want it to be us" He tried again. He still wasn't making sense to me. Isn't that what we were? Isn't that what best friends were?
"I don't understand" I was obviously frustrated and so was he. He sighed once again but with more angst this time. He was being so confusing. Why is confusion such a constant in my life? "Phil what are you trying to say? Do you want to be my friend or not?"
"I don't want to be your friend" He stated. Then he took both my hands in his and inhaled a deep breath. "I want to be your boyfriend" He looked directly into my eyes. I choked on air and and my eyes widened. "B-boyfriend? Like d-dating?" I was utterly taken aback. This isn't what I expected at all. Surly it isn't what he meant.
"Yes Dan, I like you. I like like you. Not in a friendly way" He had more confidence this time. I didn't know what to do. Should I be jumping in joy or running in fear? Was I suppose to respond a certain way? Was I not suppose to respond at all?
"Oh..." I mumbled. He waited patiently for my reaction, giving my hands a slight squeeze. Something inside me broke through. I leaned into him and brushed my lips against his. His eyes were wide when I pulled away. He didn't expect that from me. I didn't expect that from me.
"Dan I-I..." He was at a loss for words so I leaned forward again and kissed him longer and deeper this time. He kissed back, moving his lips with mine. It was like nothing I had ever experienced. We both pulled back gasping for air, his hands still in mine.
"Wow" Phil whispered. I smiled and he giggled. For a small moment it felt like it was just him and I in the world. That was until there was a knock on the door. Phil groaned and had to drop my hands to answer it. We walked back to the foyer and he opened the door.
"Ah good day, Phil!" A boy smiled, pulling Phil into a hug. Phil obviously wasn't pleased with the interruption. "What do you need Joey? I'm kind of busy here" Phil was being a little huffy and I found it absolutely hilarious.
"Thanks Hun what a welcoming you give" Joey laughed. Phil looked from me to Joey and back. It was almost like Joey had just realised I was there. He looked me up and down and then gave a look to Phil that said 'really'
"Excuse me?!? What exactly was that?" I asked him. He looked back to me a bit surprised. Then he popped his hip out and raised his eyebrows at me. It was his way of challenging me.
"That was me judging you honey bun" He smiled the most fake smile around. I nodded and walked over to where my shoes were sitting. I slipped on the vans and turned to Phil.
"I'll take this as my leave. Come by later will you?" I asked him. He nodded and I felt a little daring so I kissed his cheek before slipping past Joey and out the door.
It was raining out and all I had was my leather jacket. I slowly walked down the stairs of his apartment and when I got to the bottom I felt everything start to sink in. My head was in the clouds and a smile was plastered to my face.
I laughed and started to spin while the rain soaked me. My hobbit hair was making itself known. A cab drove by, throwing water at me. I gave him what Americans would call a peace sign and laughed again.
"Dan I don't know what you've become, but it might not be too shabby" I told myself. I didn't want to ruin this moment of bliss. I knew at any second my entire mood could flip for no reason at all so I was soaking up the happiness.
I turned onto my street and ran to my door way. I flung the door open with more power than intended and it hit the wall with a large bang. "Dan!" My mum yelled at me. "Sorry" I called back, entering the house and slipping my shoes off.
"Mum my boyfriend will be coming over later" I informed her giddily. This caught her attention as I walked into the kitchen where she was cooking. She looked at me and waited for me to correct myself. When I didn't she set the spatula down and turned all the way to me.
"Boyfriend?" She asked. I nodded like it was nothing and leaned against the arc of the kitchen. She was obviously shocked. "Like a friend that's a boy?" She seemed unsure of the possibility of me having a boyfriend which I actually found to be quite entertaining.
"No mum like my boyfriend. One word. Boyfriend" I corrected her. I was getting slightly annoyed with how little faith she had in my love life. Not that I was any different but I mean she is my mother. Isn't she suppose to have faith in me more than myself?
"Alright honey that's splendid! Will he be staying for dinner?" She asked. I shrugged and turned around. I didn't want Phil sitting at a table with my family. It would be too weird. My mother would bombard him with questions. She can be very judgemental sometimes as well. She is very open minded about most things but she still has a tendency to judge upon looks. I mean she already met him once and I think she liked him but if he stayed for dinner she would actually have to get to know him on a more personal level.
"I'll make extra just in case" She called out as I climbed the stairs. I rolled my eyes and hurried into my room, shutting the door behind me. This is where I let myself crumble.
I laid on my bed and groaned. Today was too much. I like Phil but I never really knew I liked him like that. Well I knew but I blocked it from my mind. Did everyone else see this coming? Did they know before I did?
My phone buzzed and I slid it under my pillow, not wanting to deal with people. I had enough confusion for one day. If I was being honest I really had enough confusion for one lifetime. I needed a moment to myself. Or at least a moment to mentally prepare for Phil to come over.
"I, Daniel Howell am dating Phil Lester. Phil bloody Lester" I laughed slightly. It seemed like it wasn't true but it was. It's stunningly crazy to think about. I thought he didn't want me in his life anymore when he said he didn't want to be my friend. Who would've known he just wanted me more in his life.
I sat up in a moment of disgust towards myself. I had my boyfriend coming over later and here I am smelling like dry shampoo and cheap deodorant, probably haven't showered for days. I really need to start keeping better track of how many days I go without showering. I can't even remember the last time I brushed my teeth. I'm gross.
With this sudden disgust in mind I took it upon myself to get off my ass and work on my questionable hygiene. I quickly grabbed some random clothes, my wardrobe was all black so everything matched. I brought the outfit to the bathroom and set it on the counter. My bathroom was always clean, unlike my room. It probably has something to do with Adrian having Ki over all the time though. Since we share the bathroom I'm sure he went ahead and cleaned it. Perhaps I should thank him sometime.
"Dan! Your friend is here" My mum called from downstairs. I was completely caught off guard. Phil was way earlier than I thought he would be. It's only been like an hour or so since I left his house.
"Send him up" I yelled back. Footsteps started up the stairs and I felt my stomach start to turn into knots. I wasn't prepared enough to see him yet. I looked like trash, I smelled like trash I even kind of felt like trash.
"Hey girl" A not so Phil voice chimed. I sighed a huff of relief at the silver haired life saver. "Tyler of my god" I smiled giving him a hug. He was surprised and stiff at first but he recovered quickly and happily returned the gesture.
"That's new but I like it" He pointed to my smile. I rolled my eyes dramatically and he clapped his hands together. "There's the Dan I know" He laughed. I shook my head and walked back towards my room with him on my tail.
"Why are you here" I asked curiously. Not that I minded or anything. I couldn't think of anyone better to get help for my confusion than Tyler. He is by far my favourite of Phil's friends. His boyfriend is a piece of work though.
"Well I texted you but you never responded. Adrian and Ki are having a date at my house so I figured I would come hang out with you" He smiled. I frowned and shook my head. "Adrian and Ki. Alone. At you're house? Where there's no one watching them" My brain was jumping to conclusions instantly and I was having a small moment again. Tyler watched me as I started to panic. He put a calm hand on my shoulder and waited till I looked him in the eyes.
"Dan don't worry. They are both responsible and have acknowledged that neither of them are ready for sex. I trust them. I wouldn't be here if I didn't" he assured me. I calmed down a slight bit but still didn't like the situation. I nodded anyway and he smiled.
"Great now what are you up to?" He asked me. Which reminded me of Phil which sent me back into panic mode because I'm still gross. "Oh god Tyler I don't know what to do" I whined. He cocked an eyebrow at me and waited for me to continue.
"Phil is coming over later and my room is a pigsty and I'm the literal pig" I told him. He nodded in understanding but his face was amused. "Well I'm here to help" He pushed my bedroom door open. It reeked like day old pizza and dirty laundry.
"Okay so you smell, go take a shower and I'll start on your room" He said. I gasped, instantly pulling my shirt to my nose so I could smell it. I knew he was right but it still appalled me to hear him say it. "Just being honest queen" He laughed at my reaction. I shrugged and left him to start cleaning the mess that was my bedroom.
I stole a towel from Adrian's room since all mine were on my floor covered in filth. I locked the bathroom door and started to strip from my clothes, throwing them into the corner. The water was warm and it felt nice. I hate showers but I also like them. It gives me time to think which is nice but also terrifying. I rinsed my hair and then lathered it with the strong smelling shampoo. Adrian always chose our soaps so they usually smelled cologne like which didn't bother me but wasn't my favourite. Personally I preferred a more fruity smell but I only got that when my mum went shopping for me. She knows me well.
It only took me about thirty minutes to scrub my body of all the week old filth. I dried off and slipped into my clothes. My hobbit hair covered my head and as much as I hated it I knew that Phil loved it so I extremely hesitantly decided to leave it.
"Tyler" I opened my door. I gasped as I saw four busy bodies running around the pretty spotless room. It was amazing to see my room all clean again. The smell was definitely diminishing as well.
"So you're disgusting" Troye smiled when he saw me standing in the doorway. "I don't think my room has ever been this bad" Caspar laughed as he stuffed some clothes into my laundry basket.
"That really is saying a lot" Conner came up behind Caspar and kissed his shoulder. "He's a bit of a mess" Conner smiled to Caspar. Caspar smiled back and gave a shrug.
"Y'all are cute and all but can you not be so in love" Tyler gagged. Troye laughed and slapped his boyfriends shoulder gently. I looked at all of them in confusion.
"I could've sworn there was only one of you when I left" I said. Tyler laughed and finished making up my bed. "There was no way I was going to get it all done by myself. It would've taken days. So I sent out a group text and told everyone to come and help" He explained. I nodded and then processed his words a little more.
"Everyone? Who's everyone?" I asked. He scratched his arm a bit nervously. "No one you don't know" Troye assured me. Conner coughed awkwardly. "Actually he hasn't met Joe and Zoe or Alfie" Conner corrected Troye. My eyes widened. That was more people then I've ever met in my life.
"How many people are in my house right now?" I asked. If there were only four not counting myself in my room then where was everyone else. "Well there is us and Pj and Chris and then Joe and Zoe plus Alfie" Caspar informed me. My head started spinning a bit. I was not prepared for this. I was barely prepared for Phil.
"Hey don't worry hun we are all here to help and that's all. Everyone's great, really" Tyler smiled at me. I bit my lip nervously and nodded. Caspar and Conner went back to finishing the last of the floor and Troye was cleaning off my desk.
"Where are the others?" I asked curiously. I was watching Troye as I asked though. Making sure he wasn't ruining anything on my desk or touching my journal. My laptop wasn't on the desk.
"Downstairs. I think Alfie and Zoe are helping your mom cook and Pj is with Chris in the laundry room working on getting you some clean clothes. I don't know what Joe is doing though" Tyler shrugged. I cringed at the mention of my mum. I would never hear the end of this, that was for sure.
"Oh lord, did my mum say anything? Is she bothering them" I asked frantically. Tyler laughed and looked at his phone quickly. "You're mom is a queen. Now let's go downstairs" He grabbed my arm and pulled me out the room with him. We left the others to finish the room. I could hear voices downstairs and laughter.
"You are so flattering" I heard my mum laugh. I rolled my eyes and followed Tyler to the kitchen. My mother beamed when she saw me. Two people were flowing through the kitchen with so much grace and ease. I assumed it was Zoe and Alfie. They worked very well together. Almost like they were one.
"Why didn't I know you had so many friends?" My mother asked in pure shock. I rolled my eyes again and sat at the counter. "Because I don't. These are Phil's friends not mine" I told her. Tyler gasped and looked genuinely hurt but I knew he was making it more dramatic than need be.
"Am I chopped liver?" He asked and I nodded my head yes. "You really are" I laughed. He slapped the back of my head playfully. I rubbed it and stuck my tongue out at him.
"I don't know how you can stand the lad, he has no manners" My mum shook her head at me and I rolled my eyes, sticking my tongue out at her this time. Zoe laughed and Alfie chuckled.
"Dan be a dear will you and set the table" Zoe smiled at me. I groaned but stood up and went to our cupboards for plates. I grabbed three plates and my mother stopped me. "You really think I'm making all this food for three people? Get some plates for your friends"
"Mom I don't even know how many people are here" I told her. She laughed and Alfie came up behind her to join the conversation. He was scratching his chin as he thought. "I believe twelve plates will be needed" Alfie said. Zoe joined in to and started counting on her fingers.
"Will Adrian and Ki be coming?" Zoe turned to Tyler. Tyler nodded and looked at his phone again. "Yeah they should be here anytime" He told her. She nodded and added two more fingers into her counting.
"Fourteen then dear" She corrected Alfie. He nodded and I groaned. Fourteen people at one table. Half of which I barely even knew. This was going to be quite the event. I would have Phil there though. I think that makes it better, perhaps.
I added more plates to my stack and grudgingly walked into the dining room. A boy was sitting at the table on a laptop. He looked up when I set the stack down. He smiled a very bright smile.
"Let me help you with that" He stood up and slid half the stack off and into his hands. He began placing plates around the table and I did the same. "I'm Joe by the way, a friend of Conner's" He said. I just nodded, already aware of the information he provided.
"You're house is lovely" He complimented as he looked around. I shrugged. I never really thought much about my house. He sighed. I felt bad because I knew he was trying to make conversation but I was too overwhelmed to pretend to function like a normal human being.
"We have a class together, at school. You have an easel next to mine in art" He tried again. I rarely went to art so I wasn't surprised that I didn't know that. "I hate that class" I mumbled. He laughed and shrugged.
"It's alright. I can't art though. I've seen some of your work, it's fantastic! Why don't you ever come to class" he asked me. I shrugged. He doesn't listen well, considering I pretty much just told him.
"I just don't like that class" I repeated as a response. He bit his lip and I figured my voice had been too venomous. "You're good at it though" He almost sounded like he was whining. He was a bit taken a back which was obvious. I rolled my eyes.
"I'm also good at sucking dick, doesn't mean I like it" I retorted. His face froze at my words. My own face froze at my words. I don't know why I said that. It's not even true. It just kind of came out before I had time to filter it.
"Oh" He whispered awkwardly. "That makes sense I guess" He eventually added. I shrugged and quickly made my exit, going back to the kitchen. Zoe and Tyler were getting ready to bring some of the food dishes into the dining room.
"Does it really take that long to put plates on a table" Tyler asked as he pushed a bowl of sliced guava into my hands. "Sorry I was talking to Joe" I took a slice of the guava and put it in my mouth.
"That lamebo, he's lame. Always on his laptop and Save some for everyone else" He took the bowl back out of my hands. I shrugged and licked my lips. Zoe then pushed a bowl of strawberries into my hands. I smiled at her and headed back to the dining room.
Joe was back to his computer and Tyler was behind him looking at the screen. Their faces looked distorted and troubled. When Tyler saw me I could sense the pity and sorrow. I groaned, ready for the drama I knew was about to hit.
"What is it" I asked in a very annoyed tone. Joe instantly shut his computer and shook his head. Tyler looked at him, biting his lip. They didn't want to tell me. It couldn't possibly that bad.
"Come on don't be sour and just show me you imbeciles" I walked over to the computer and slid it away from Joe, opening it back up. The screen lit up and I examined the page he was on.
"What the fuck" I yelled loudly and angrily. In front of me on the screen was a picture taken of me with a man straddling my body against a wall. My eyes were closed and I was biting my lip, obviously aroused.
"Daniel Howell, school prostitute caught selling himself downtown during the later hours of the night. The man he was seen with is believed to be an older fellow formally known as Anthony Holmes owner and bartender of the well known LBGT+ club Urban Spice. The scandal is said to be seen countless times by witnessing students. Daniel's boyfriend Phil Lester is supposedly unaware of the sinful acts his significant other has been performing. The photo was sent in by an anonymous tip that claims to have seen Dan returning to Phil's flat right after earning his money with the much older Anthony" I read the article on the schools online newspaper. I was in utter disbelief. How could they even publish something like this? None of it was true.
"This is absolute bullshit" I yelled. Tyler put his hand on my arm and I pushed him away. I turned to Joe and he looked so lost. "How did this happen? Don't you have to run all articles by an editor or something" I hissed at him. He was at a loss for words and looked completely petrified.
"I swear I had nothing to do with this. I have no idea how it was published without my knowing" Joe squealed. I know he was telling the truth but that didn't stop me from being ticked off.
"None of its true. Not a single word" I said as I slammed the computer back shut. I had no idea how anyone got that photo. "We know, Dan" Tyler assured me. I let out a frustrated growl as I kicked the wall next to me. My foot hit with a loud bang and the plaster and dry wall crumbled around my foot.
"What's going on" My mum rushed into the dining room. She saw my face and instantly rushed over to me. "Don't touch me" I growled at her and she cringed away.
"Dan I promise I will report this and we will find the journalist and suspend them or something. I will do anything I can" Joe had flipped his mood from in fear to confident. I didn't care what he did. It wouldn't be enough. People would've still read the article. Phil could've seen it. What if he believes it?
"It's too late now" I said. My mum was confused. I didn't want to bother explaining anything to her. She would just worry too much.
"Is everything alright? I heard a bang" Troye asked as he walked into the dining room with Zoe and Alfie behind him. I laughed and it sounded broken. It was forced and almost crazy sounding.
"Everything's peachy. Absolutely splendid" My voice was hoarse and Troye looked to Tyler. Tyler gave him a look and Troye responded with a different look.
"Oh how cute. Look at these love birds, so in love they can talk with facial expressions. So cute. I'm so in love with my boyfriend I cheat on him with older men. Since I'm a prostitute these days. Aren't we cute? Aren't Phil and I cute? So very fucking cute" I had no idea what I was saying. Everyone was frozen. They watched me carefully.
"Oh no good heavens Dan is at it again. Don't move! Heaven forbid you move! Dan's crazy, he's unstable, he might hurt us if we move" I yelled at all of them. By now people weren't even breathing. Chris and Pj along with Conner and Caspar were now in the dining room as well. Conner was hidden behind Caspar and Caspar had a protective stance in front of him. Troye was ever so slowly moving closer to Tyler. Zoe was in Alfie's arms. Chris and Pj were both just completely in shock next to each other. Joe sat in front of his closed computer, staring at the ground.
"You people make me sick" I said before I pushed them all out of my way. I walked out the dining room and made my way through the house to the foyer. I slipped on my vans and opened the door, slamming it behind me. It was cold out and I had no jacket on. I walked down the driveway and heard someone yell my name.
Phil was a few houses away, headed towards my house. I laughed and ran a hand through my hair. "Perfect" I mumbled to myself. It was tempting to just turn and walk in the other direction but I didn't. I just stood and waited for him.
"There's a lot of cars here" Phil smiled at me. I didn't smile back. I just nodded in agreement. His mood faltered a bit but he kept a steady smile.
"Shall we go inside? I wanna tell your mummy hello" He giggled slightly. His giggle cut through me, almost calming me down. Almost.
"You go on ahead, I'm headed downtown to sell my body to some old man" I said. His face fell instantly and he laced his fingers with mine on one hand while setting his other hand on my shoulder.
"I didn't think you saw it" He whispered sadly. Now I was the shocked one. So he had seen it? Then why was he here? Why was he acting so casual?
"I didn't think you saw it" I said back to him. He gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze. "Joey showed me" He said. I nodded and looked away. That's probably why he was judging me so hard core earlier.
"Then why are you here" I asked. His face suddenly got worried. "Well it's not true is it" He was scared for the slightest moment. I shook my head frantically. "No, of course not" I assured him.
"Exactly, so why wouldn't I be here" He smiled. His hand moved from my shoulder to my neck and he brought me closer. The second his lips touched mine I felt myself deflate. All my anger or anxiety was lifted and although the kiss was short and simple it still held a lot of emotion.
"Now let's go see your mummy" He giggled as he leaned his forehead against mine. I smiled and gave a content sigh, letting him pull me back up the driveway.
I paused at front of the door. I didn't want to face everyone now. I was too embarrassed about my little out burst. I was being childish about the whole situation and I see that now but it's much too late.
"Hey, I'm here" Phil squeezed my hand and it was all I needed to turn the door knob and reenter the house.