The Journal (Phan)

Six

I realise a lot of details in this story are not exactly truth but this is a fan fiction so piss off please and thank you. 😘

I walked very slowly with Phil next to me on the way to my house. I had tried to convince him to change his mind about coming over but every time, he would just start blabbering some gibberish about me failing class or something.
I could see my house. We were nearly twenty feet away. A very dangerous twenty feet. I knew my mom and brother were both home and would both bombard Phil with questions and accusations.
"Don't look so excited" Phil teased with a gentle voice. I looked at him and smiled the most fake smile of my life. He obviously didn't believe it and stopped me from walking by gently grabbing hold of my hand.
"Dan why are you so nervous?" Phil's voice had turned serious. I instantly missed his happy go lucky smile and his bubbly giggle. Serious Phil was too much for me.
"It's nothing" I insisted. He looked sad which made my heart cringe. "I just..." I wasn't even sure why I was so nervous. I was pretty confident in my mom liking him. Adrian wouldn't really care either. So what was the problem? Was I worried Phil wouldn't like them?
"Dan, stop. It's going to be fine" Phil perked up, offering a small smile. I nodded and he dropped my hand so I could continue walking. I took a long deep breath and stepped forward.
We made it to my front door and I hesitated with my hand on the doorknob. Phil quickly put his hand over mine and opened the door for me. I pulled my hand to my side instantly and entered the home.
"It's smells lovely" Phil smiled as he looked around the foyer. I didn't smell anything though. I just gave a simple shrug and dared to go further into the house.
"Dan?" My mom called from the kitchen. I hissed out of instinct and Phil laughed. He left me standing in the hallway as he made his way towards the voice. It took me a moment to process and by the time I was back to reality he was already in the kitchen.
"Hello Mrs.Howell I'm a friend of Dan's" Phil said. I literally ran down the hallway and into the kitchen slipping on the hardwood floor and smacking my bum hard on the ground. I groaned in pain and layed back. I heard Adrian and my mom laughing hysterically at me.
"Oh my god Dan" Phil rushed to my side. He kneeled over me with worry filling his eyes. "Are you alright, love?" He asked and I snickered. "Dandy" I responded sarcastically. He giggled and I smiled at him. Our eyes lingered before he offered me a hand to help me up. I gratefully took it and he hauled me to my feet.
"Well that was a show" Adrian teased from where he sat at the counter. I glared at him and my mom clasped her hands together with way too much excitement.
"Oh Phil it's so wonderful to finally meet you! Dan talks about you nonstop" She cooed. Phil glanced at me and I blushed. "Mom" I hissed. She waved her hand in dismissal. I covered my face with my hands and groaned again.
"Hey Phil" Adrian Greeted him. Phil smiled at him. "Adrian" He nodded. I gaped at the casualness between them. I hadn't realised they knew each other.
"What" I looked from Phil to Adrian and back. Phil giggled. "He's hung out with the guys and I before. He's dating Tyler's brother remember?" He explained. My mother gasped and both Adrian and I cringed.
"Dating? A boy? My boy is dating a boy?" She asked in shock. Phil's eyes widened in realisation and guilt flooded his body. Adrian's hands flew to his face.
"Oh my god" Adrian whispered loudly and Phil repeated. "I'm so sorry" Phil apologised to Adrian. Adrian smiled sadly. "It's alright, you didn't know" He said. I felt awkward in this situation.
"My boy is with a boy?" My mother said again. She looked from me to Adrian and back and again and then again. Then she burst into a fit of laughter. "Oh lord I'm just kidding. Of course I already knew! You think he could really hide something like that from me?" She laughed. Adrian let out a sigh of relief as did Phil.
"You knew?!?" Adrian asked. Mum laughed once more and walked over to where he sat so she could ruffle his hair. "Of course I knew! Isn't it obvious, love? Besides why else would you blush anytime you mentioned Ki or how about how you get all spiffed up before going to see him? I figured if you weren't dating, you at least had a crush" She explained. Adrian's cheeks glowed of a slight pink and both Phil and I laughed.
I grabbed Phil's wrist and started to pull him out of the kitchen. "We'll be in my room" I said before running up the stairs with Phil close at my heels.
"Keep your door open" Mum called out after us. "Mom!" I hissed even though I knew she couldn't hear me. Phil giggled that breath taking giggle of his.
I pushed open my bedroom door. I now kept my room clean just in case Phil ever came over. I didn't really think he ever would but I was still paranoid about it and I guess it was for good reason.
"Wow" Phil said as he took in my room. I was suddenly extremely self conscious. I didn't have much in my room. A few anime posters on the wall was about the only decoration. Apart from the framed picture of Adrian and I that sat on my dresser.
"It's very you" Phil smiled, taking a seat on my bed. I let out the breath I hadn't realised I had been holding. He put down his backpack and unzipped it, pulling out his English notebook. I groaned slightly. I didn't want to do school work. I just wanted to forget reality with Phil.
"Come on you need to get this done" Phil insisted. I rolled my eyes but put down my own backpack to rage out my English notebook. He patted the spot next to him on the bed and I very reluctantly sat. He scooted slightly closer so I could see his journal better.
I started to copy down the notes and I cursed out loud at how horrible his handwriting was. "How can you read this?!?" I asked. He laughed and his leg bumped mine causing me to visibly shiver. I blushed and tried to hide it but failed miserably. He was so close to me that I could feel the tension rise.
His leg then rested against mine and I focused deeply on trying to finish the notes. Eventually his hand skirted across my knee and I flinched. "What are you doing?" I asked a lot more snobby than intended. Now it was him blushing for a change.
"N-nothing. It was nothing. Sorry" He apologised. I laughed slightly and nodded. "That's alright mate" I shrugged and went back to the notes. He sighed and I could hear the frustration.
--------A few days, some more note copying and few trips to get hot chocolate later----------
"Why does this suddenly matter" My mum asked in confusion. "Because" I violently hissed, throwing another article of clothing out of my closet and into a large pile forming on my floor. My mom sighed and rubbed her temples. She has been having some troubles understanding me going from her antisocial barely existent kid to the all in, all the time hyperactive kid.
"Dan honey your clothes are fine" Her head shook. I looked back at her with a crazed face. "Do you even hear yourself? Mum everything is black and stupid. Phil won't like any of it. I need new everything" I was in such a panic I had been border line hyperventilating. My mother rolled her eyes dramatically and I scoffed at her.
"Oh bother! Phil likes you and your clothes are a reflection of you. Of course he likes your clothes. You're such a girl" my mum was extremely frustrated. I couldn't help it though. I was starting to feel like I had to question everything about myself. The one question I continued to ask was Does Phil like this.
"Please mother. Please oh please oh please. Just a few things. Some shirts or something" I begged her. I was becoming desperate. My mum rubbed her temples once more.
"Darling if you are so worried about what Phil likes why don't you just have him take you shopping" She ever so brilliantly suggested. I jumped off the floor, snatched my phone and literally flew down the stairs. I unfortunately did not manage to land my movements and found myself face first into the floor at the bottom of the stairs
"Dare I ask?" Adrian raised an eyebrow from the front door. He had just walked in, wearing his muddy soccer cleats and sweaty gear. I stood up and brushed myself off. Barely waisting a breath as I quickly kissed Adrian's cheek and sprinted out the front door. I had probably left Adrian dazed and confused and wouldn't be too bewildered if he fell in a head rush.
"No time" I screamed, already half way down the drive way. I began running all the way to Phil's. Not the first time this has really happened either. I have definitely shown up on Phil's door step randomly more times than he could probably deal with.
I turned a corner and read the street sign in my head considering I was too out of breath to say anything out loud. My lungs burned furiously and I was gasping for oxygen. I was only one street away though and managed to push myself even harder. My black converse loudly clomping on the sidewalk as I hastily hurried down it.
I finally made it and stopped to catch my breath outside his door. I didn't want him to see me all sweaty and anxious like this. Not that he hadn't already. In fact I am honestly always a little sweaty and anxious.
Before I even had time to lift my knuckle for a knock the door flung open. Phil was smiling fondly at me and he stepped to the side so I could enter. I swear sometimes it's like he is psychic or something. He is always knowing where I am or when I am going to show up. I was still attempting to catch my breath so I held up a finger as I choked on nothing but air or frankly on a lack of air.
"Ello, love" He patted my back with one hand and closed his front door with the other. I stood in the foyer and he waited patiently for me to be ready to speak. When I did attempt a greeting it came out in a horrible rasp, resulting in Phil rushing to the kitchen to fetch me a glass of water.
"So to what do I owe the pleasure?" He called from the kitchen. I followed after him, still having a small asthma attack. Phil quickly opened a drawer to his left and handed me both a glass of water and my inhaler. He had insisted I gave him one of my inhalers since I all too constantly showed up out of breath and over exhausted. I never thought it would actually come in use but I guess I should've seen it coming considering my asthma is so extremely repetitive.
"Thanks" I replied after inhaling and taking a big gulp of the water. It still took me a moment to calm myself enough to hold a normal conversation but Phil was being entirely patient.
"Alright" I huffed. Phil pushed my fringe from my face and just continued to give me his stunning smile. "Will you go shopping with me?" I finally asked. He didn't even respond, instead just grabbing his wallet and phone. I internally did a dance of triumph.
"Are you coming?" He yelled from the foyer. I hurried over to where he stood and gave an excited nod. He opened the door for me and we walked down the stairs side by side. Phil's hand gently brushed against mine and for a moment I thought he was going to hold my hand in his. He didn't though and we walked in silence.
"Shopping for what exactly?" Phil finally broke the silence. I was getting lost in my thoughts again. What is this boy doing to me. "Clothes" I responded dully. Phil looked at me with a cocked head before turning back to watch where we were going. I let him lead the way. I didn't really care where he took me, as long he was with me I would survive any social establishment.
Ever since I met Phil things have been slowly changing. My English teacher knows my name now and I'm getting marked absent a lot less. My mum keeps bugging me to bring Phil over for dinner but I'm just not ready. It's not that I don't want my mom to meet him or anything. It's more like I'm not ready to share him. I know it sounds selfish but I can't help it. He is like my escape. I'm living a double life, my home life is totally separate from my newly found social life. Part of me wants to keep it that way.
"What are you thinking about, love?" Phil once again drug me from my thoughts. I blushed slightly and shrugged. The second Phil's giggle left his lips my heart fluttered. I furiously yelled at myself for being so caught up in this boy. Not out loud of course.
"Thinking that deeply, you outta know what you're thinking about" His eyes connected with mine and I looked away. "You know, sometimes I feel like I'm going to loose you somewhere in that head of yours" He smiled. I don't know if he was joking or not but either way I constantly worry the same thing.
"Oh rubbish! You'll never loose me" I laughed lightly, giving him a gentle shove with my shoulder. He barely missed a step, shoving me back. Unlike Phil though I'm utterly uncoordinated and found myself becoming one with the ground.
"Oh my lord!" Phil laughed, attempting to catch me and failing. I sat on the ground, not moving from where I fell. I don't know if it was because he laughed at me or that he pushed me in the first place but something in me snapped.
"Don't touch me" I growled when he set his hand on my shoulder. He flinched away and his eyes grew wide. He didn't know what was happening. I didn't really know either. One thing I do know is I couldn't control it.
"Dan" Phil whispered. He could sense my change in mood. He suddenly looked like a lost puppy, obviously in fear he had actually physically hurt me. I ignored him and stood up, brushing myself off. I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I kind of just froze up.
I didn't say anything when Phil took my hand in his. I didn't object when he started pulling me along with him, continuing walking. I started to blank out. Not processing us entering the mall. Not seeing the people stare at us. Not noticing Phil's words that would occasionally fill the air. I started to feel like I was suffocating. The world started to spin around me.
Suddenly Phil was in front of me. His mouth moving but I didn't know what he was saying. He wrapped his arms around my numb body. Eyes were on us. I didn't care. I felt Phil's lips on my forehead. The spot he kissed tingled even after his lips left it. I touched my forehead. Things around me started to process. Phil had one hand on my shoulder with the other on my waist. He was still talking. The words were barely a whisper but I started to understand.
"You're okay, I'm here. You're okay, I'm here" He continued to repeat the same sentence over and over. My cheeks flushed and I wiggled out of his grip and took a step back. I scanned over the eyes watching us and blushed an even deeper shade of red.
"Welcome back" Phil said. I looked at him, waiting for him to get angry but instead relief radiated from him. He wrapped me in his arms once again. "I was worried I wasn't going to get you back" He whispered. It wasn't until I felt the dampness on my shoulder that I realised he was crying. I made him cry.
"I'm sorry" I mumbled, barely audible. He hugged me a bit longer before letting go. He stared at me for a long moment before he laced his fingers with mine and pulled me to wherever. I felt bad for shutting down like that. I don't even know why it happened. I watched Phil from the corner of my eye. Tears had marked his pale cheeks but were no longer streaming. He knew I was watching him but didn't do anything about it.
"So what kind of clothes are you looking for" Phil asked, still looking forward. I had almost forgotten about the reason we were here. "A few shirts or something I don't know. Just want to update my wardrobe I guess" I shrugged. Phil looked at me, a frown plastered on his face. A frown that shattered my heart and made my knees want to buckle in on themselves.
"I love the way you dress, you know that right" His voice more serious than ever. I unintentionally bit at my lip. The whole time I only wanted new clothes because I wanted Phil to like me. It's almost like he could sense that. My mum was right all along. She usually is.
"You know, I'm actually hungry" I changed the subject, no longer feeling the need to get clothes. Phil beamed at the mention of food and nodded his head continuously. He reminded me of a child given too many pixie sticks. His colourful apparel always seemed to match his colourful personality. Perhaps that's why I wore so much black, it matched my personality.
"Awesome, I think Conner is working" Phil informed me. Why it was relevant was beyond me. I just smiled like I was aware of what that meant. Phil grabbed my hand for I think the third time today. Before it only happened because I was out of it. Now I was fully aware of the act and the stares it would cause. It's not that I'm embarrassed of Phil or anything, I just don't want people getting the wrong idea. I gently pulled my hand away from Phil's and was fully prepared to apologise when his eyes connected with mine but was to occupied with the person walking towards us. They were waving their hands around to get our attention. Phil's back was to the human though so he didn't seem to notice.
"Uhm...Phil? Do you know them" I asked giving a head nod behind him, to the now closer person. Phil turned around and quickly grabbed my hand once again and pulled me away. We were going in the direction away from the mystery person. "Phil" I questioned. He didn't respond, too determined to get away.
"Sam Pepper" Phil said as he turned a corner and entered a clothing store. I easily recognised it as the store Troye works at. Which in all honesty gave me anxiety. I have still kind of been avoiding Troye. It's not that he's wrong about me or anything I think it's just that he knew before I did that I don't like. Or maybe how straight forward he is. Or perhaps it's his lack of caring for others feelings.
"Wait what" I snapped myself out of my head. Phil looked around the store frantically. I think he was looking for Troye. From the looks of it, Troye wasn't on shift.
"Sam Pepper. He is an American that NO ONE likes" Phil emphasised. I scrunched my eyebrows and thought back to the person. He didn't look like a bad person. He had a pretty similar style to me. Just his was a little more true hipster rather than my tumblr hipster.
"Why don't you like him" I asked. Phil waved the question away as he poked his head out the store to see if Sam was gone. I think he was because Phil's anxiety seemed to lift away and free him. I wish my anxiety left that easy. I wonder how he manages to be so easy going with his emotions. My emotions make me go insane and I have a tendency to run from them.
"It's no big deal, I'll tell you another day. Shall we go get that food? I'll text Conner and make sure he is working" Phil quickly changed the subject causing a little suspicion from me but I brushed it off like nothing. I finally put two and two together and realised wherever Conner worked had food.
"Sounds good" I responded as Phil was already tapping away on his phone. I had never really seen Phil uncomfortable before. It was obvious though that the subject of this Sam Pepper was all but pleasing to him. I didn't want to push him much though.
-----
"So what is this any ways" Conner made a hand gesture I didn't understand. Phil and him had been talking in sign language for like the past hour and I felt utterly displaced. Not only did I have no idea what they were saying but I honestly had no interest in learning.
"Oh my lord, stop" Phil laughed. I just groaned in annoyance. Phil noticed this and instantly put his hands under the table, it was a silent way to tell Conner enough.
"Uhm... What do you do when your not spending every waking moment with Phil?" Conner turned to me. I panicked, unsure how to answer. I wasn't expecting to be put on the spot. Under the table Phil's hand found mine. It was like a little secret moment between him and I.
"Dan writes" Phil chipped in. I instinctively slapped his arm. He laughed as he rubbed his wound with the hand not in mine. "What! It's true" Phil pouted after words and Conner just watched us. He seemed utterly fascinated.
"You should write about you and Phil. It's easily the most complex topic" Conner laughed. I felt my cheeks heating up slightly. Phil seemed to love Conners comment.
"I'm his Felix" Phil smiled proudly I once again hit his arm and he laughed. Conner was confused. "Dan has written this beautiful story that I have heard so much about but still haven't read Anyways it's about this guy Porter who is best friend with Felix and they like save each other from society. It's dope. I'm his felix" Phil explained to Conner. Conner nodded in understanding then looked to me. I held my finger up to him and turned to Phil.
"Please I am begging you, don't ever say dope again" I looked into his eyes. He laughed and Conner joined in. I don't think they realised how serious I was being. It was almost the worst cringe I had ever done when that word left his mouth.
"You're so cute Danny boy" Phil teased me. I glared at him and huffed in annoyance while trying to hide the blush that still managed to creep across my cheeks.
"Moving on. Dan, have you ever thought about joining the creative writing club? Joe is the president of it, he's super cool" Conner smiled. I had heard about the club but was always too socially awkward to even give it a second thought let alone think about joining.
"No" I deadpanned. I am pretty sure Conner already knew that though. He chuckled and shrugged. "It's just an idea. If anything you could at least talk to Joe about it. Maybe visit one of the meetings or something" He offered. Now it was my turn to shrug.
"I think that's a great idea! I'd even go with you if you wanted" Phil beamed excitedly. I was glad he wanted to support me so much but writing was kind of a personal thing for me. I was still uncomfortable with the fact Phil had read my journal. I don't think I ever confronted him about that either. I was always too focused on him being my felix. Perhaps I should bring it up. Not now though, when we were alone I would.