Chapter 14
Letting Go
~Crystal
How can I explain how it felt? It was like I was living a dream that became more and more vague each passing minute. Then when Drummer found me, I woke up, terrified at first but then a few days later… I was okay with it. I was trying to fool myself into believing that things were always the way they were, like if I held onto the past tight enough it would be the present and I’d get a second chance. Like everything would just stop… and then turn back. But Drummer, being the amazing friend that he is, took the burden from my chest, made me realise I couldn’t achieve what I wanted the most in the world but that at the same time it was okay… Because I wasn’t alone. It didn’t matter if I didn’t know who I was anymore because all I needed to know was who would be there for me always. Drummer, Red, Strings, Jack, Michelle, Calum and most importantly, Ray.
I stood over his grave. It was about quarter to eight, an autumn evening with the breeze and life of summer still clinging on to the bright vivid colours. I loved the sunset around that time of year. The sun wasn’t that same amber glow on the horizon, turning the sky the love struck colours or pink, red and purple. No. The sun gleamed like an open treasure chest, it’s rich rays outlining the green leaves above his grave and turning the to gold. It turned everything to gold. The roofs of houses, the tips of grave stones, the blades of grass, the spikes of the fence and gave life to everything around me that would seem so bleak and grim otherwise. The sky was a cross between a pastel blue and a pale lilac. All the clouds lingered far opposite from the sun, so dark and outlined by a thin romantic purple. It was as if they were hiding from the beautiful scenery around and were patiently waiting their turn to roar and flash above the houses. It reminded me of my childhood.
I remembered those few beginning weeks of autumn when everything was perfect, not too cold, not too warm, not too bright, not too dull. It’s only crime would be being too beautiful. Although spring has its claim to the beginning of life, winter has its celebration in faith and summer has it’s popularity and vitality- autumn would always seem the most perfect to me. It wasn’t linked to disease, pain, poverty or death in my life. All the other seasons were. So this felt like the perfect time to stop fighting the truth and let go of the past.
‘It’s been a while.’ I smiled at his name that was engraved into that seemingly unbreakable stone, ‘I’m sorry I haven’t visited. Cause you were right. I tried my best to force you out of my thoughts at first… But you kept on appearing in my dreams.’ I kneeled on the grass, six feet above him. ‘You were always there for me. Always. Maybe not physically, but my memories of you, the things you taught me sometimes without even knowing you had done anything… You were my motivation in life Ray.’
‘I remember when I was about… five years old I was convinced there was a monster under my bed because I heard noises under it all the time at night. All the other kids made fun of me but you came with me to check under my bed one day.’ I began to chuckle at the memory, ‘You wore a red power ranger’s helmet and brought this silly little plastic sword you bought at one of the highland games. You made me go to the other side of the room while you fearlessly removed all the boxes from under my bed. When you finally turned around you were holding this cute little mouse.’
‘I felt so stupid, being so afraid of a little thing but you told me there are such things as monsters, the only thing was they looked a lot like Jake!’ I burst out in laughter that soon trailed off as soon as I remembered he couldn’t laugh too. ‘Calum was gonna kill it, the mouse. Then you snatch it from him, grabbed my hand and we ran to the farmer’s field and let it loose there. I didn’t want to. I wanted to keep it forever, call it Mickey. But you said we had to let it go. Sometimes, even though it hurts, the best thing to do is let things go.’
‘I feel like I’m holding you in my hands and I want to take you back with me so badly… but I can’t… And it does hurt… but the truth is… my hold on you keeps getting weaker and weaker, and now I am letting go.’ Tears began leaking out the corners of my eyes and I quickly wiped them from my cheeks, ‘I love you Ray… I really do- you’ve done so much for me. Even now you’re gone, you gave me a purpose, you led me to Drummer and Strings and Red and I finally feel like I belong. I’ll never ever forget you, ever. I owe you my life, Ray; you’ve done so much for me… And I wish I could say my heart still and would forever belong to you… but it doesn’t.’
I stroked the smooth face of the stone before one of my fingers outlined the E in his surname, ‘I’ll always be grateful to you.’ I smiled as bravely as I could before the tears made it impossible. I kissed the tip of the stone and whispered, ‘Good-bye.’
Maybe the next part was my imagination holding out for one last piece of hope or just the numb coldness of the stone playing tricks with my lips… but for a moment… I could swear I felt him kiss back.
The END!
....Of part 3
(Writer's note: I know it's short, but I think that's kinda fitting. I'll upload part 4 soon, and I promise after that things will get more humourous and funsies :D I've got so much planned for what's gonna happen in the chapter of part 4, I hope you enjoy all of them!!!! :D )
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