A Racer's Heart

11: No Reason

Mattie's POV:

Tears roll down my cheeks and splash onto the pavement.
Why did I think anyone would believe me? Nobody did back then either...

Dalia, can you come get me?

My mother was supposed to in half an hour but I couldn't have her see me like that.

Sure babe u ok?

I sniffle and try to take deep breaths.

No but I just need to talk to someone...

Ok be there in five

I put my phone in my pocket and hide around a corner of the school building, trying not to hyperventilate as I recall what just happened.

"My girlfriend is NOT a cheater, I knew you would say something so low like that, And to think i may have liked you."
Why would she ever like you? Why would anyone believe you?
I shut my eyes as tears refused to stop falling.
"And the thing is, maybe you deserved to be cheated on, maybe you weren't the one for her? Maybe you couldn't handle the pressure of someone like her. That's why you had to fake it."
Of course you deserved it. You're a piece of trash. You're weak.
I tried to think about Dalia but my stupid brain wouldn't stop.
"That's why you had to be soo much better than her. But that's so fucking selfish."
She just realized that? Of course you're selfish. But she's wrong, everyone is better than you.
I was now looking at my wrists and wondering how many more cuts I would make tonight.
"You were supposed to be a team and you took the shit for granted. What the fuck did I ever see in you?"
What did she see in you? You're a piece of trash that nobody ever loves. You're an ungrateful bitch.
I snapped out of my thoughts as Dalia pulled up. She saw my tear-stained shirt and drove us to a restaurant. I texted my mom telling her a friend was taking me to dinner and prepared for sad conversation.
"Mattie, what happened?"
She ordered us some soda and a plate of pasta. I sniffled and shook my head.
"I don't even know. I just- I need a reason to live right now."
I looked up and saw Dalia picking at her nails.
"Uh-huh. So who did it?"
"Did what?"
She stared at me."Uhm... whatever you're upset about?"
I ran out of the restaurant and she didn't follow. I ran home and went straight to my room.
Stupid girl. Who would ever care about you? Don't you understand? There is no reason to live. Nobody loves you. You're just a bother to everyone. You'll never succeed or make good of your life.
I sighed and turned on my laptop, opening a new word document.
Mom,
I love you. You were the only person in my life that ever seemed to care about me. I regret never telling you I'm gay but I worried you would stop loving me. You might not have known but I suffered from depression. Everyone in my life has hurt me and let me down, so I have no reason and no will to live.
-your daughter,
Matilda O.
I saved the document as Goodbye and got up from my bed, tying a rope to my ceiling fan before standing on a chair on my bed.
Looking into my mirror, I saw the face of a nobody. Someone who wouldn't be missed.

No reason.

I stuck my head through the rope and kicked the chair out from under me.

"No... reason..."

AUTHOR'S NOTE :

((DON'T KILL YOURSELVES. SUICIDE IS BAD AND SOMEONE WILL COME THROUGH I PROMISE :I))

**PLUASSSS YOU'RE MAKING THE PEOPLE WHO YOU DON'T KNOW CARE ABOUT YOU HURT. :( AND YES WE KNOW WHAT TF WE WERE TALKING ABOUT AND YES WE HAD TO TAKE IT THERE AND YES IF YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT YOU CAN HOP OFF THIS STORY :D **

(TRU BREH BC I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT SUICIDE BUT THEN I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE THERE FOR ME AND THAT I WOULD ONLY BE HURTING THEM)