The Fake Smile Of A Man

I Wish It Wasn't

it was like she pulled away a bit after about then so I nosed on her Facebook messages and found a couple of messages to a bloke kevin I think I later found out he was her mum friends boy. now never told her about this which was probably a stupid move on my part because I let it grind in to me more and more until one night I saw a girl I use to chat with I ended up taking her up the hill and we had a make out session Lucy Armstrong was her name she was caring and fortful that's what attracted me to her I got home that night felt so guilty feeling like there's no relationship without trust so I ended it with me and sam in the morning. yes I didn't like the messages I saw but I lost everything so why not lose more started a relationship with lucy was going really well until I call her Sam just after we made love this brought me down to new highs it really did. she told me it was over and I looked for more comfort and found it in a sweet girl called laurel sure it weren't attraction it was more theres a caring girl she may give me comfort I see it was out of order completely after a while I realised and had to let her down now I'm not one to just run off at this point so I tryed letting her down gently talking to her face to face it really is hard to do to any one telling someone who wants u, u don't want them. the next day Samantha want to see me sitting in the car by the sea front she's begging me for answers and I'm just holding them in because I'm not wanting to hurt her any more. I finally brake as she's hurting her self as im telling her I cheated and I couldn't deal with it, she just hugged me wanting me back and I'm just feeling she deserved better. we did make it work got back together back home. went on lovely for a while then she started going out a lot taking no notice see when we got together we said in 2 to 3 years we would be trying for a baby and at this point she's telling me that she may not want kids now I feel like I couldn't go through life without even trying for my own kids but she could that was a big turn. I let that fly for a while but she was still going out a lot and not spending as much time with me. so feeling like there no point here. this is no excuse really I cheated a couple of times and felt guilty again so we split to girl her name was Chelsea beautiful blonde she had a 6 month old baby to started seeing her more an more just found out she was just after sex and lifts. I'm feeling like I'm getting old this point I'm just wanting to settle down so like any wose I go back to Samantha just talk and she takes me back. now a few month go by and she wants to go on a caravan trip even tho she hates caravans with 3 boys from uni plus 1 girl and she weaved around me going so I didn't now this sounds dogey she comes back saying a kiss had happened and it didn't mean nothing tho. now this runs round in my head 3 boys 2 girl 1 kiss feels unlikely but I can't go mental because I've already admitted I've cheated. months go by I'm about 26 and were arguing all the time this girl I got to know 3 years ago from benefit office of all thing. we use to chat a lot and really get on ya could say there was a crush there from the beginning. this girl was Donna burt beautiful smile she had lite up the room, 5 years younger then me tho and from the start she couldn't stop talking about a guy called Fred, at this time me and Sam had a little separation time so decided to spend it with her ended up her calling me her boyfriend but still talking about her Freddy all the time. I took her up to Eastbourne now I know I shouldn't of because that's mine an Sam's special place but it was the most romantic place I knew we made love got dinner had fun but still every second word was fred, fred done this fred done that I felt it weren't for me and the next day she dropped the L bomb through text at the same time I was with Sam and she said it just before with all this going on I see I had to stop seeing Donna she didn't want me really and no matter what I would always be number 2 in her life if fred decided he wanted her she would jump. at this point I do the most chicken shit thing I could do and just not talk to her again I thought that was it until a month and a half later I saw her sister post on Facebook that she was pregnant now it spins in my head, ya can think of the thoughts through my head then double them she text me a little while after telling me we have to talk really need to tell u something but can't talk now I'm with my bf. now at this point she don't know I know she's pregnant, I'm going holy shit in my head as u can imagine. so I work it out all ready to leave Sam and hoping she would try make it a family. got a time to pick her up a place to eat, she jumps in the car avoiding anything to do with what she's got to tell me. now we finally get to sit down I order dinner as I sit down I'm thinking she could be the one plus hope she was over Freddy thinking she would make a good mother then she tells me and I say mine excitedly, I've always been one to be a bit pemurture and at this way to much. the next part I should of guessed Freddy's what a kick in the teeth, now at this point I should of walked out and cut her out completely but me being my I comfort her keep talking we kissed bye and keeped texting I even offered to help her and be there for her then. eventually Freddy wanted to try. at this point I said to my self no more I'm settled down with Samantha and wanted to get married a month after I thought that I see she's started flirting with an old friend online yer it annoyed me but we keeped going.