The Fake Smile Of A Man

were it all goes wrong

A year passes and we start getting in to routine of things we started not spending as much time together, she notice other blokes more and she still has not fell pregnant. It started to feel like I was forcing her to get pregnant, trying to get her going to the doctors get checked. But it felt like she was pulling away and changing her mind about having children with me.
I didn't like the feeling I was forcing something on my partner so ended up just stopping and not caring, trying to settle my head that I would never have family but she would be there even tho it starting to feel like she wanted to spend as much time with everyone else and not me.
We start having talks about this in January and time goes by she means to spend more time but her calendar gets more and more busy. Donna starts texting me come mid February and I decide to text back just wanting friendship, I said it in my head again and again friendship only. At this point she just had her second child Felicity we talk and talk and she told me she had a problem with her bath waste so as a friend she asks me to look at it this is the first time I meet her again after what happened before with her.
All in all I go round have a quick look at it I was unable to fix it straight away so sat down had a talk got to know each other better as friend came back the next week seeing the landlord would not fix it for her and she was unable to have a bath I went out my way to fix it for her. OK we sat down and chat again.
Another month go by and Sam still doing her routine, I get a text from Donna asking if I'd like to come over and talk and have more cuddles with Felicity, so me enjoying the family part jumped at the chance so march we meet up I seat down holding Felicity and donna starts cuddling up to my arm I think nothing of it as sensual just friends but can't help feeling this is what it's like to have a family and that was getting my head running around what if Sam never wants kids, what if I never have any of my own. I end up going back push for Sam to try more end up going to the doctors but as u know I'm not the best at pushing people to do stuff beginning of may comes and we meet I get cuddles not just with Felicity but with Donna a ready made family a girl that seems like she cared so much for her kids. I started seeing her every week sometime s more that month and it went farther than just cuddling but was tried not to make love fully until the 25th of may she offered me to come to her hotel room in stansted I foolishly went no explanation to Sam was ready to move on so siced my self up that this was it this was my love and my family and plus I would be the best thing I could do for Sam because it was feeling just so wrong forcing her to live my dream.
So I drove up there after work excited happy and knowing I'm going to leave the rest behind but family would be worth it, Donna would be worth it. I get there meet her at her room and everything is as I imagined we made love I went down on her, she did the same for me, we keeped going till about 1 o clock I thought It was so special a new beginning but things im not to know has gone on. we don't always feel the same one o clock came we snuggle and she blarts I've got lucky this week I've had It twice I turn to "huh!" She explained she had another bloke in the same bed the day before I felt sick to my stomach I felt like running out with my tail tucked between my legs this ment nothing to her but some how she made it my fault for not telling her after this started seeing her as a bit of a slut yes I said it. Thought she was still a nice girl but lost. I went back to Sam the next day and scrub my self something rotten I felt so dirty, soo vialated of my trust she convinced me to come round again. Yes she convinced me to make love to her because I felt guilty because she felt like I was using her we started to meet a couple times a week in June and I started see the real Donna she has a nasty strek to her sometimes and I was starting to feel like I didn't wanna be part of this family. I try to put more and more space in between us but she put more and more guilt on me. Felicity's Christian was coming up and she invited me to it. Having to get to know the little one I wanted to go, wanting to go but not be so close to Donna be friends only.
So a week before this Christian I decide it would be best to take a 2 week separation from sam. It was hard but I knew I had to do it I knew I was so in the wrong and be lucky if it ever turn back on my side. So we start this separation but end up seeing each other most days, more than I did before the Christian comes half way in to our first week and I go see Donna the day before it and she tells me she don't want me there at all and tells me I'm not her real friend anyway, feels like she was used. I didn't know what to say I was so depressed I wrecked my life thinking I could have everything I ever wanted with a most beautiful girl I wanted and it was all just a horror story, I messed the one thing that was real in my life for the dream of a lot.
Well I left and just drove to the next layby and pulled over head down just thinking what to do next I can't go back with Sam now not like this and it would just break her heart if I told her and she had known and knowing her she would probably forgive me and I don't deserve that saying that I did see her last few times that week and tryed to make the most of the time we had together and do things.in the mean while donna messaged me the day after Felicity's Christian that she was sorry just a bit moody time of the month.
Well end of the week comes early July donna says when we meet up can u bring a pregnancy test she's hasn't had her period yet. You can't believe what can run through my mind at this point, I've gone right through my life saying how ever I have a child I would never regret it and at this point that's all going out the window and I'm not sure what to expect but as ya do I went to get the test went to her house got a cuddle we talked and she did the test and put the stick facing downwards, she says don't wanna see at this point I turn it over I first breath a sign of relief then see the faint line that makes it a cross, now by this point my heads really fucked up going through all the possible out come, weather or not to be with her, weather or not its even mine. But I knew one thing for sure it means the end of even friendship with Sam the end of knowing someone I've cared about for so long the end of the good time, and yer after all this went through my head I told Donna it was positive thought I had to put a smile on my face even though at this point she didn't even tell me that it was surly mine. Even if when she did I weren't sure weather to believe her. But no I told her with a smile on my face. When she told me it was defiantly mine I thought if got to either go all in and give everything to this or go my own way and just see and pay for the kid when I can. Yes its me I'm a push over so I gave everything every cent I had and every bit of energy I had to make Donna and the kids life better but never seemed enough.
I went back to Samantha s the next day knowing she was out for the weekend and grabbed all my stuff how shitty can you get I didn't even write a letter while I was packing my stuff, so many memories, so many fun times i started to break down I know if I wrote a letter I just wouldn't move. I weren't a total bastered though I only took my tools and clothing everything else I left I didn't deserve it but the one thing I so wish I did take is a copy of photos for memories I miss them so much and weather I did or not its still my past and I don't wanna forget. I don't regret marrying her I don't regret the year we had, but some how I regret not having kids before we meet I think we would of worked out then I think, I would not of gone away from her. That's my regret of a life time but you can't change the past you can only change the future and no matter how I put it my future is divorce.
As I'm writing this I am Knowing this story will hurt every one I care for and this just destroys me and stresses me out knowing that I tell the truth it just will hurt and not console anyone why does it feels burdened on me, even though I brought it on my self. I always got told people deserved the truth and relationships won't go far without it. But it can get so hard to tell the truth sometimes when you care so much about them.
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