The Fake Smile Of A Man

life is never always clear

Now I don't consider my self OCD on cleaning I just think it should be clean when you have kids, not tidy but clean and Donna is not that like minded person. She leaves rubbish on the side piled up till it falls down the back someone cleans it she does it again and again, she hoard's things in corners you can take them out sort them out so she can go through them and they'll just get hiden in another corner. Not its not my place to go through her old stuff I should not be going through old bf letters, gifts and photos. Old bills addressed to both of them, socks that still got some of his in. This make me uncomfortable and sometimes makes me just feel that I've made my bed now just lay in it and take up drinking as a hobby maybe then I won't care so much about people s feelings.
Now it all seem like I'm all moved in but no, I have a couple of cloths here enough for the week no room for my tools for work because just before we properly got together she rented out the garage for next to nothing to an old boyfriend of all people. Plus the rent is very steep and I'm trying to get her down the council to get a house but it feel like she can never be bothered. If she can't be bothered why should I be.
A couple of months had gone by and Sam has filed for divorce and messages me so to sign the papers, me and her talk a bit on Facebook I'm liking to know she's ok, I'm saying sorry for breaking up with her in the wrong way and then she says the one thing that makes in my mind know how it got the way it did she replys and says since Christmas I haven't been in love with you. Now this just kills what I thought we had what I thought we lost and every thing ain't nothing here. At this point I know she was going out with the train driver she was saying he was cute before we spit up. There really ain't more to say about me and Sam now it's history but I still enjoyed every part of my life with her.
So here we my new life new family, it feels good to have people to call my family but sometimes theres part in it that make you realise its not really all your family you have to share sometimes it even can feel like its Freddy's family still and I'm just able to peer in. The kids I have to be careful with and feel like I can't just being them up the way I would feel I would my own. And on my own child that Donna is carrying I don't feel the excitement I should be feeling it still feels like its not mine, like everyone else will take over, of Freddy will come in and clam it as his. I know it is and its my first but it don't seem like a first, I feel like I can't just go out and spoil are child on the way.
Well while all this goes through my mind at that time just before we go out and have a lovely dinner I find a text on her phone asking for naughty pictures from a bloke called Laurence and then see she's replyed not now I'm with my boyfriend this does not feel a great start to a relationship everything I've tried to be with this women it feels like she can't respect me I no I have cheated on my ex I know I have been in the wrong but I was hoping this relationship was different some how so I confronted her about it and she say she was going to let him down when she weren't with me. I stupidly let it go but ended up checking her messages a lot for a while after that.
So a while goes by then her parents ask if we would like to go down to Torquay for the weekend with them and her sister Sandra. I thought it would be a nice place to get to know them better, I don't know weather it was the right place now I know them think a state penitentiary would have been better. Would have been better for her kids feeling so sorry for them I seemed like every next word was swearing at her kids telling them she didn't love them no more and there going in to care. Now I may not have brought up kids but I now when a parent does this to a child its not right at all and even Donna's parents seemed to join in on Sandra's oldist kid Libby. This whole holiday started showing what this family is really like and I would never want my child subjected to that and would do everything in my power for my child not to be.
I keep thinking to myself and always have thought " I don't wanna become my dad in life " I wanna become my own person some one that cares for his children. I seen my mum and dad split up when I was 4 never really got to know him so I don't care about him as a person just would have been nice to have someone to call a dad at the time some one to take control of bad situations someone I know that would always have my back and that's what I promise my child that I would be there for them and stand up for them. But what does that mean, what can I do about a family that just swears at children all the time and a family Donna loves so much that she couldn't give them up at all, also its not my place to even ask her to give them up. I don't know how long I can hide this hatred for what they do but a I do have to suppress it a bit and install some respect and manners in to CJ other wise flissy and my baby will grow up with the same.
Really feel so bad at the moment I have no feeling's for our baby at tall don't know even weather theres love there because its mine and my blood or hatred there because it could be some one else's I've already been on this before yet she told me it weren't mine once we got together. Well what if it isn't. I've told Donna I love her no matter what but I think I would just go to crazy if it weren't mine I think in my mine I would just do anything I wanted to do, go live life, drink, shag and drugs. Even though I feel I have been selfish in my life I would blow out and not care about a thing.
We move on and the day travel past then Christmas comes spending more money when were supposed to be saving. I look at her and feel like I'm starting to really fall in love but I always keep judging it on the love I use to have for my ex wife and it never gets there but hoping it will one day. With me skint presents under the tree and the kids all excited yes it was a brilliant Christmas.
Christmas day her ex comes round and it starts seeming like every time she sees her ex her voice gets higher pitch and she acts all sweet, now I keep saying it's all in my head. But they chat and laugh with each other then when he leaves they hug I mean what's that. Unfortunately I still don't think she has got over fred yet as I can honestly say I probably not completely voided Samantha and thats never good. We do grow closer and closer as bump gets bigger and bigger, plus her kids have started calling me dad which I love but don't know weather that's a good thing because the closer I get to them the harder it will get to pull away.
Women have it hard through pregnancy yes got to addmit but women will never realise and know what goes through the man's head, she can feel the baby and know it's just hers, her blood, she made it along with another man, and that's where are problem is if she slept with another man a few weeks either way it rattles in your brain. Not only that if she cheated on you your spending your whole life with a partner that cheats and getting so attached to a daughter that's not yours how do you get over that and that's to much trust to put on one person. How do you ask someone that looks so in love with you to let them do a DNA test, and how do you do that to someone you love.