The Zodiac Story

I'm sorry

Hello everyone! It's cutegirlak47 here, or Jenna, Julia, Jenny, Jennifer, whatever you personally call me. I- uh.... I'm sure you've all noticed the fact that the chapters have been few and far between. And to some readers, I'm sorry, some of you have given me private messages asking where they've been and.... and I haven't been honest with any of you. So , I'm finally gonna say it and..... yeah, here goes nothing.

I am very messed up in the head, I have bee forever, but 2 years ago I think, I became depressed. Not just sad but overly depressed, I was even sent to a mental hospital and nobody knew what happened. Since then I've been in counseling (not like I wasn't prior to that) and I've gotten better. So let me get started for  real now. near the beginning of this school year, I began to lose a friend, my best friend in fact, we'd been friends since second grade. My ocd is a bit different compared to the normal case. What happens is I latch onto things, I get stuck on it, everything. So, naturally , I never intended to leave or let her go. But that all changed very quickly. At first I was angry and shunned her, but it turns out I wasn't good at that, what's worse is that I never knew I wasn't. Then when I realized that I just wanted her to be around me and give me back the attention and love bond that we had, I had gotten sad and all but begged her to come back. Her words said she still liked me, but I've been through enough to know that she had gotten somebody else and that I was getting replaced. I tried everything I knew to do to get her back, get support from my other friends, or even just get some consolment, but that didn't happen. Instantly I had realized that I had made a huge mistake. I had spent all my time, effort, attention, and love on one person..... never thinking that anything could change our relationship, but it did. I had built up my relationship with one person and almost didn't care about anybody else, we were in our own world..... she was my world. But my world betrayed me and I was helpless to stop it. It eventually got to the point that when I wasn't there my replacement would sit in my spot at the table and my friends had to tell me that my betrayer had said : she doesn't really matter to me anymore , I have her now. It hurt, it hurt more than anybody will ever know, it hurt so much that I could feel it, Physically feel it. I tried to be strong, I've done it forever so it was easy. But it burned, and eventually, I became numb to the subject. I became numb to her, the pain dwindled but it was still there, I told myself it wasn't. But I lied. Now, my other friends have moved on from it, it's normal for them, but not for me, now, it hurts again. But it doesn't, but it does so much...... Now I'm 'overreacting' or 'childish' for not moving on, but you know what? I can't, not when that friend was my inspiration, my world, the only one I knew would care if I chose to die. And I have many times, but I kept going.... for her. Because I know what it's like to be alone, to be thrown out, to feel as if you weren't worth living for. It's sad but I've felt that feeling too much before her. So Whenever anyone close to me was sad, I cheered them up, I baked them anything I had knowing I'd get in trouble, I changed from the person I was to please them because I didn't want to be hurt, I did everything. But that..... wasn't good enough? Nobody has ever done anything like that for me..... ever..... and I was okay with that, all I wanted was to be kept and loved. But nobody has ever praised me for it or even thanked me. And that was okay. But I did the most for her, and tried with everything I had to keep her. But.... guess what? I wasn't good enough yet again..... it always happens.... you'd think that I'd have learned by now, but... I haven't. I knew what it was all like, just her smile or laugh was enough to keep me going, Because it meant I meant something to somebody. But.... I guess people like me aren't worth sticking around for, after all I've done, after all I've fought and stuck around for.... I'm not worth it. so, I stuck that way down there, left it and left her at a distance. if she wasn't around, I wouldn't feel bad about her then right? I thought the feelings would go away. But, now it seems as though they didn't. About a month ago the feelings came back. Slowly but surely, they came back. And now I've fallen back into the depression that I never wanted to see again. I've lost all motivation, I can literally burst into tears at any point in the day, my art has become suicidal, I've started writing suicidal poems, I'm refraining from hanging out with my friends, I'm not myself around them, It's hard to speak about anything and just to speak in general, I've been acting strong but when I'm alone I break down, I cry myself asleep, and I've been thinking about death as much as I think about anything else. Because.... I'm not as strong as everybody thinks I am... I'm really not.... All I want is for somebody to text me and ask if I'm okay, give me a hug and say ' I need you', see through the wall I put up so I don't get hurt. I just want somebody to look my way and actually care how I feel. I'm a sociopath.... I don't even have those feelings.... but you don't see me walking around like I don't care, I'm the most caring person I know, and I don't even care. I just.... I just want to see someone come to me because I'm so tried of always tying to make everybody else happy, I'm so tried, I'm weak, I'm worn, I'm broken.... I'm not asking you to glue me back together, all I'm asking for is the glue.

That's why I'm not updating. I'm struggling just to keep breathing, I'm sorry I really am.... I feel like I stopped trying for you guys it's just.... I've stopped trying myself.... I've honestly given up on myself. And I don't know if I'll ever believe in myself again. Maybe I will if somebody finally.... finally cares about me... I'll try to update as much as I can but..... I can't promise one soon. I'm so sorry.... I've failed you.... I've failed everyone.

I don't deserve to have people like you reading my stuff.... Because I don't want you to be hurt.... and feel like you can't do anything.... It's not you guys I promise..... so please don't feel guilty if anything happens. But I do want you to smile. Please just smile.... let me know that I touched you if anything else...

Because that would make me happy