[ON HOLD] 36 Students in a Classroom

1. Girl, put yo hand down!

                    1. THE BRANIAC

Don't pretend you don't know who that is. Because you do. You know exactly who it is.

It's that person. That idiot who always has their hand in the air. The one who owns a mouth that everyone wants to put duct tape over. That classmate who can somehow come up with a three-mile-long essay explaining the pros and cons of orange juice.

Orange juice, guys.

And I mean, you would think, as a normal stupid thirteen-year-old – because let's face it, we all know how we are or were – they'd be all: "Orange juice is extremely healthy for you. Inside it, you can find . . . um . . .  like . . . Vitamin C and stuff. But the bad part about orange juice is that it sometimes has, like, pulp."

And then they'd get a clap-clap-clap-woo from the whole class, because everyone would be dying to go down to lunch as quickly as possible, and they would be saving us like five minutes by ending early.

But no. That's not how it happens.

Instead the person literally reads from their entire essay, and smack dab in the middle of it, they go:

"Oh, I also have a funny story to tell you. So like, I went to this family reunion once, right? And when I got there I met this cousin who came over for like the first time ever, and I'd never met him before. And like, the funniest thing happened. Get ready for this – are you ready? Okay. So this cousin asks my dad, 'Do you guys have any orange juice?' And my dad says—" they pause for dramatic effect "—no."

And then they completely burst out laughing in the front of the classroom.

This is the part where everyone stares at them like: What? That wasn't even . . . how does that make sense? And the awkward silence is so awkward that no one coughs or sneezes, but everyone hears your pin drop to the floor, and you can hear crickets outside somewhere.

And you're sitting there as the teacher chuckles at this kid's senseless joke, and you're thinking: Do crickets even . . . cricket . . . during the day? Or did they come out early today specifically to make this kid's joke awkward for the rest of us?

Yeah. That person.

In my class, we had only one.

Gertrude.

Okay, no. Her name was not Gertrude. But if you think I'm telling you her real name you must be delusional. 'Cause listen. I don't need my parents calling me downstairs because there's someone at the door for me, and then I go down there and see like five buff guys with badges on their shirts going, "Miss Peters? Yeah, you're going to have to come with me."

What, you think I have bail money? I don't have bail money. Dude, when a police officer asks me if I have enough to be bailed out, I'm that girl who replies, "I have a five dollar bill in my purse somewhere that's cut into pieces courtesy of my little cousin, and has lipstick smeared all over the fragments of Abraham Lincoln's face. . . That count?"

And did you just ask if my parents would bail me out . . . ?

Did you take your medications this morning? Are you sure? All of them? Maybe we should check again. Because I'm pretty sure you're crazy.

But let's get back to my point. As I was saying, Gertrude is the kind of person that you hope didn't come to school today, but oh, look. She's here.

I remember this one time when that girl got on my nerves.

We were having a normal class day. And by normal class day, I mean that my teacher was literally boring us to sleep, giving us absolutely no notes, and basically telling us her whole life story because it obviously tied in so well with the events of World War II.