[ON HOLD] 36 Students in a Classroom

9. Someone please invent a new religion for these people. . .

                   9. THE FAKE ONE

There are two types of these people. One of which, is usually male.

Now, I did say usually, so don’t go all “she’s so sexist” on me before I even get to go on with my usual pointless rant. Because I’m not sexist. And I happen to like ranting. So. Hush. Just, shhhhhh.

Shhh.

Shh.

Okay, so back to what I was saying. The first fake kid (which will be called Phakie—mainly because I just like the exotic spelling I just came up with in my head) I’m going to describe is usually a guy; some of you may know girls that act the same way, but personally I don’t, for the most part.

The second of the Phakies can be a girl or a guy; heck, some of them might even be the same person as the first Phakie. I know one who fits into both categories.

So let me explain exactly what these categories entail. First, Phakie #1. I will explain this category from experience, and so this Phakie will be a guy.

If you are a girl, or a guy that’s gay, this guy happens to be someone you like or have liked in the past. He is someone you find attractive, or smart, or funny, or all of the above.

He’s just someone everyone likes.

Even those old ladies that, you know, wave their canes at you as you run away after stealing some of their homemade cookies that they have secret recipes for and don’t even tell their friends what the recipes are, even though you swear you totally know what the recipe is and that she puts cinnamon in the oven while it’s—okay, off topic . . .

Um . . . this—this never happened to me, by the way.

I’m just. I’m just, um.

This is just an . . . an example of people who like Phakie #1. Which is everyone. But, you know. Sometimes you—you just need to give examples. Right.

. . . Ahem.

So, this Phakie #1. He is popular. And sweet, too, to the point where almost every girl in the class has had a crush on this guy, and eventually had a . . . “fling” with him, I guess. And you’re no different.

So eventually you guys start talking, and flirting, and you start to realize that he might actually like you back. So you keep flirting, and talking, and either you just continue like this, or one of you asks the other out.

And sometime after you start getting comfortable, everything you liked about this guy is thrown out the window. And pretty quickly, actually.

So fast that it’s like you can literally hear your relationship, flying out the window at warp speed, going “WEEEEEEEEE!” as it falls.

And you can just see your entire class holding up three fingers as the Hunger Games music plays in the background, and some random girl is wailing in the back somewhere.

And I know what all you innocent bystanders of the relationship are saying.

“But he was perfect!” you say. “What was the problem?” you ask.

Well.

Apparently.

This guy is a huge pervert.

And I don’t mean one of those “perverts” that are just considered that because of the jokes that they make.

No, I mean a really disgusting pervert that makes you want to run in the opposite direction screaming something about cutting off his man parts and calling the cops, right after you call your dad, who will probably dig out the gun that he’s never had a reason to use before and shoot the kid.