[ON HOLD] 36 Students in a Classroom

4. When was your last visit to the vet?

                 4. FUTURE CAT-LADY

Something people always say is that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. Which is true. And people also say that a title shouldn’t give away everything about a story. Which is also true.

But, um.

. . . Yeah, this time our title says it all.

And, I mean, if it walks like a cat, and it talks like a cat . . .

Well guys, it’s a cat.

Hence why I have a very strong feeling that this girl in my class . . . is a cat. And I’m talking paws and everything, just, “Meow, meow,” every five seconds. It’s ridiculous.

Those of you who love puppies and horses and fish and – I don’t know – five-legged-birds and whatnot, I’m gonna need to sit down and have a talk with you.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with liking animals. Nothing wrong with thinking they’re adorable, and nothing wrong with having them as pets and making them your best friends.

I mean, at least it lets you talk to it, right? That’s more than I can say for some people.

But the thing is, you should know when you’re going a bit too far, and you should stop yourself.

How can you know, you ask?

Well, let’s put it this way.

If your teacher pulls you aside and says, “Did you overdose on cat food yesterday?” Girl, you have a problem.

If your friends catch you licking yourself while they’re washing their hands, girl you have two problems.

And if you find yourself wanting to grow fur so you can cough up fur balls, girl . . . what is wrong with you?

And let me just make clear that no, you will not become cat woman if you become a cat. You’ll just become that weird person with fur and creepy eyes. I’m sorry, but I’m just telling it as it is.

This girl in my class, Katty, was so obsessed with cats I was almost positive that one of her parents was one. It would’ve explained a lot.

If only you could see the presentations this girl used to do.

Oh. My. Goodness.

She’d stand up in front of the classroom with her elbows bent so that her arms looked like they were holding a Prada bag, and her hands hanging down as if dangling from a string. She looked like she had paws. And I was half expecting her to lick the back of her palms, no joke.

I really, really wanted to go up to her and say, “Do you get your tuna fish sub with a side of cat food? Or is it a combo meal?” or “I’m thinking of picking something up from PetCo today. Want anything?”

And yet again, my class had two Kattys. And the other one, besides the Katty I just mentioned, was also an Attie. Talk about multiple personalities.

The second one wasn’t just obsessed with cats, though. She was obsessed with animals period.

In the fourth grade, she thought she was a wolf.

In fifth she was almost certain she was a dog.

And then, lately, she’s been meowing every time she puts her head down. And afterwards she acts like she doesn’t know why that happened. As if she didn’t do it on purpose.

“Lately people have been telling me they think I’m part cat,” she whispers. She drags out the word like in her next sentences. “Like, I don’t even know why. It’s like, sometimes I do the weirdest things.” Then she puts her head down on the table, makes cat noises, nestles her bushy hair on her arm back and forth, and then goes, “See?”

This is where my blank stare comes in.

And then there’s the raised eyebrows and fake laugh. “Hehe, wow, that is so weird . . .”

And she’s even worse than Katty number one. Spending the majority of her time on her hands and knees, only eating tuna fish, growing out her nails – she even scratched me once!

Like, dude.

No!

Not cool.

I am not Mr. Fluffy-McCutiekins, okay?

If I was Mr. Fluffy-McCutiekins I’d give you a piece of yarn and let you play with it. But I’m really not. Therefore I’m just going to ask you to please, slowly back away from me, and let me run for my life before you ask if I will sharpen your claws.

Because the answer will be no.

And then you’ll start fake crying. And I’ll be forced to ask what’s wrong.

Don’t. Do it.

But let’s rewind back to Katty number one, because I forgot to mention . . .

She was really creepy!

Me being me, I was friends with her. And she wasn’t all that bad, really; she came to the rescue whenever I was missing my library card and used to buy me cola gummies after school. We were cool, me and her.

But one time we were walking to the bus stop, which was like four to five long blocks away, and we were having a conversation about the guys in our class. And she told me she wanted to cut off all their heads, skin them, and hang their skulls over her fireplace.

This time I didn’t even bother sugarcoating anything. Well, kind of. I said:

“What? Are you serious? That’s a little harsh, don’t you think? Why don’t you just, I don’t know, take a picture and draw an X over their faces?”

But what I really wanted to do was:

“Hello, 911? Yeah, I have an emergency. I’m walking home with a deranged psychopath. Know where I can find a tranquilizer gun?”

Although I didn’t expect them to actually tell me.

So please, do not be a Katty.

It’s for your own good, since we all know Katty will become a cat-lady when she gets older, and every time she tries to date a guy he’ll go running out that house so fast you won’t even notice that he’s covered in cat fur and scratches.

And the scratches may not even be from the cats.

But now that that’s over with, let’s talk about ponies.

Ponies are, like, so cute, and like . . . stuffs. So yeah, when I get older, I’m totally gonna become, like, a professional pony.

That should pay my bills!

Booyah!

. . . Oh no. I’m showing the symptoms of a future Katty.

Quick! Get me a tranquilizer gun!

                    *        *        *

Dedicated to: CatchingCrazy
You asked about crazy animal obsessions! Here ya go.
:3

AND.

I will repeatedly self-advertise my story with no shame! Model in Disguise is in the external link!

. . . Do all of you guys know where the external link is? I'll add it in the side picture with a red box around it. [adds it in] See the picture on the side with the red box around the words external link? Yeah, that's where you can find it. So scroll up an inch and click it! I command you to go read it . . . it's so lonely.

And its trailer is on the side. Again. Go read it!

To find it on the app, you can search "Model in Disguise" in the Discover tab, and when you see the book cover with the jeans and high heel shoes that match the title, you've found it! :)

But anyway, do YOU have an unhealthy obsession with animals? Are you a Katty? Comment!

- Blaze