One way or another (Lesbian Story)

A/N

Hello everyone... this is just going to be a long ass vent thing, so if don't want to read this, it's fine :)

First of all, I'm sorry for taking so long updating this but my head has been way too full of shit these past weeks...

I've been struggling to keep my sanity because I made the mistake to ask myself why the trucking bell am I still alive? And my refuge was the amazing show The 100. And I've just watched episode 7 of the second season and let me tell you: I'm crushed.

A little background for you, I've been struggling with depression for as long as I remember and I've had some messed up shit on my mind... I almost threw myself out of a 7th floor once. But was stopped by a couple of friends. Maybe this is not the best thing to talk about tonight now but I really feel the need to let it out... I'm sorry for that.

This happened about 4 years ago and that was my turning point. I can't remember much about the four years before that and since then I can't seem to let anything go. I was completely broken and I found a way to help myself relax and that was writing. I always took the smallest things as inspiration to write and it really helped me a LOT. I was a glee fan and that show was my anchor... It really helped me keep the little sanity left! Then, about a year ago, I started watching the 100 and I loved it, from the start! I binge watched the two seasons in less than a week. By then I already started questioning my sexuality and since I live in a kind of homophobic country, the contact with a show that has a "good" representation system (I still think they're lacking some situations and people) really gave me hope.

And during the second season I became really attached to the character Lexa and the kind of relationship she has with Clarke. Well, this relationship, even though it was kind of messed up in episode 16, really made me believe that two strong women could be together and still be amazing leaders.

I know that this fanfic doesn't really portrait those qualities but I'm a romantic and really wanted to focus on that side of the story even if it didn't really make a lot of sense.

*Spoiler alert* Don't read any further if you haven't seen the episode (or do, because lets face it, I really needed a warning about what happened)

And this season has been so good! It made me think, it made me feel things, I haven't felt in such a long time and made me take so many steps forward in my recovery! It gave me hope again after the situation in Mount Weather. And last night's episode was so good until Titus decided to be a whiny bitch and grabbed a gun that he wasn't even supposed to know how to use and fucked everything up!!

When I saw that he shot Lexa I became the person I was 5/6 years ago... I was looking but I wasn't seeing! And then Clarke tried to save Lexa's life and that hope that maybe Clarke could actually save her life just woke me up. But it was useless! Lexa didn't make it... And the things they said to each other during that episode were just... I don't even know how to describe them!

This episode fucked me up really bad and left me hopeless but then I thought about the spoiler pics I saw on tumblr and how Clexa was together again. (I'm so sorry if you've been avoiding that and I just ruined that for you) But I'm afraid! Afraid to have hope again... I don't want to stop watching the show but I'll definitely see it differently. It is a really good show and it really shows all the different shades to a person. But let me be real with you: clexa was the only good same sex relationship representation we had on this show... not even miler and his "boyfriend" are a good representation of that forward thinking society we (and I know some people who think the same way) were led to believe existed in this show.

This is not even half of what I wanted to say but it is enough to go with for now... I'm so sorry for this again but I can guarantee I'll be working on the next chapter today and I'll do my best to restore the hope I lost today. And maybe divide the last chapter in two parts.

Thank you for reading this if you did. And if you need to vent or just want to talk, I'm here for you! My inbox is always open ...

Have the best day possible! And don't forget, YOU ARE AMAZING AND I LOVE AND APPRECIATE YOU SO VERY MUCH!

-Ananimousme