Seeker Of Relief

1.• Far away.

“There are 7 billion people on this planet who I have not met,

and 195 countries I have not visited.

Yet I am stuck in this insignificant town,

Being pressured into making decisions about my future,

When I barely even know who I am.”

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« YOU BETTER LEAVE MY HOUSE! » I heard my dad screaming at my mum down the stairs.

          I buried my face into the pillow, tears wetting it. When will this end? My mind questioned, so confused. Begging for an answer.

"Someone takes me out of my nightmare! Please." I whispered pleading out between sobs. I was tearing apart, sick of all this crap happening in my life, hoping for once mum makes her mind and announces that we'll leave.

           Eventually, I heard the house door clacks close, making a very loud noise. Finally he left. Thank God. I sighed, adjusting my position on the mattress, looking at the blank wall, too numb, too tired to even wipe the streaming tears. Darkness started to take over my sight. Am I going blind? My eyes burning, hurting. Then I knew it, I was living in darkness, so darkness I became. Nothing and no one will ever change this, will ever change me. I totally forgot how to feel happy, or what happiness is.

I've always believed in the future. I've always been holding on that one well known phrase "Everything is going to be alright, later". But it's been too long since later never came.

This time, I found myself really losing it, I've lost control of everything. My hands clenched into fists, planting my nials into my delicate skin, my heart tightened and my back started burning as if all the demons were hanging around, stabing me.

Am I losing my mind?

"Take me, I'm already dead!" I cried out, more tears running like rivers down my cheeks.

My whole life, I was just rising to fall again, always in the same trap, deep down into darkness and hell. Yeah, if heaven is somewhere up there, then probably it's hell here on earth.. at least for some people like me.

Nothing ever seemed to get better, all the pain, the remorse of being born, of existing seemed to remain, to eat me alive.

They taught me at school that home is where you feel like where you belong, where love, kindness and tenderness settles. And I realized that what I'm living is nothing but a lie. Home is not where you live, it's not your mother drowning in alcohol, or your father's disappointed looks and rare presence, or the secrets hidden in your room. It's where your body quivering from laughter and your heart recovering from being ticket, where your smile extending for miles. And this is not home.

My room door suddenly flashed open, cool air entered, accompanied by my mother's rushed and scared voice, it came in a sort of a whisper, she barely made the words, but I was sure of what she said, or at least of what reached me "We're leaving in half an hour".

I hopped off my bed toward my wooden closet. I grabbed my suitcase and threw all of my clothes in it. Once I'm living, there won't be any chance of coming back here, even if it leads to live in the woods. I pulled on my black turtleneck and my dark inescapable jeans. Sliding into my boots, I was already done, my hair didn't matter.

I dragged myself downstairs. My heaving-full suitcase rolling behind.

"We're leaving" The voice in the back of my head cheered.

"Let's go" Ashley, my mum, told me, forcing a smile on her pale face- Which failed and vanished soon- and opened the house door.

Fox, my dog, pushed me from behind, helping me to budge and move forward, following my mum to her silver BMW. I put my stuff in the right place then moved to the passenger seat, Fox jumped in the back seat. Ashley revered the engine, the tires squealed against the wet pavement and my now-old house was soon blocked out of sight.

And that's when my lips curled up into a smile.

I didn't bother to ask where we're going, all I needed was to get away, and that's what seemed to happen, we got out of town.

I had no worries about saying goodbye, even though I had plenty of friends back there, none of them was real. Fake friends. Everyone was trying to befriend me either because I was born in a rich family, or because of my gorgeous boyfriend. Well, at least Kyle, my boyfriend, was there when I needed him.

But no one knew about my problems.

Ashley was a doctor, a well-known one back in London. I didn't know my grand parents or any of my aunts. I didn't mind not meeting them anyway. I wasn't interrested in meeting people, I've always prefered solitude. I hardly let anyone enter my life, know me. My friends have no idea who I am, except for my name and my family. Oh, my money too.

Ugh, seriously, money makes the world go totally wrong.

And don't mix caring with curiosity. People never care, they're only curious. 

My mother met Patric, my father, at her office, he was one of her patients, as I was told. I clearly remember the joy and happiness in her voice "I was tired of work, it was late, about ten or so when the ambulance came to the hospital. I heard them calling my name. We hurried and got him to the injury room. They positioned him on the white bed. I passed the pastel-patterned curtains and that's when I first saw his face. Despite the damage, the exhaustion that was on his face, he was so beautiful. He got shot while trying to save someone from being killed. He was such a brave man. We met a week later at the beach, randomly. I still remember the exact place. Somehow we ended up planing for meeting some other time. We now have a gorgeous daughter" Her words repeated in my head, I remember her touchs, carressing my cheeck bone. 

I glanced at her, and saw how exhausted she was. Tears still falling down. She fell in love, she lived a happy life until they decided to experience that one quote "Nothing lasts forever". She's suffering now. 

I didn't know what love is. But certainly, it's something dangerous and I should stay away from. 

I looked outside the side window into darkness, the beautiful moon hanging high in the clear sky accompanied by the tiny shiny stars. Looks like a quiet night.

My mind wandered at that moment thinking about how not fair this life is, again. At this right moment, some people are dying, others are giving born, some are having the time their lives, some are sleeping, some are suffering, some are thinking of ways to end their lives. I hate to think that way, that I can be classified as the suicidal ones, so I wanted to change that fact, to be like the ones who were already sleeping.

I sank into the seat, closed my eyes and drowned into unconsciousness.

~.♥.~

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