Fine, I'll leave (Phanfiction)

I remember

<<memories>>

< Dan's POV>

<<TRIGGER WARNING>>

I remember, I remember coming home, walking to my bathroom, picking up that razor, holding it up to my wrist, just to be interrupted by Phil sending me a message on Skype through my phone. I remember sitting there crying for hours, burying my sweaty face in the sheets as the slight touch of the fabric stung my face only to be interrupted by the vibration of my phone; with a Skype message from Phil. I remember walking home from university with my head hung down to my feet listening to rocks whizzing past my head followed by chanting and laughing,  just to be interrupted by the same buzzing of my phone in my pocket; of course, a Skype message from Phil.

I remember just sitting talking to him for hours with a some what smile on my face. I remember getting more and more confident every single day.

I remember that one day he couldn't make it, that one time that caused me to not vent using people but rather, razors. I can remember the relieving tingling feeling of the blood trickling down my arm as a subtle burn ached through my wrists. My mind becoming more fazed and blurry with every drop splashing into the bath tub. All cleaned up after of course, I wouldn't of wanted to make a mess.

But I also remember that night, that same night when I video chatted him and I reached over to grab a drink exposing my skin as my sleeves shrivelled up. He slightly gasped, stared at me for what felt like centuries until he quietly mumbled lowering his hands from his mouth and fumbling his fingers, "Dan....." There seemed to be an even longer pause as he lowered his head and stared straight down. "How long?.... How long have they been there?" He said with a slightly nervous tone but mostly overwhelmed with worry. I remember sitting talking to him about it all that night, I remember falling asleep on Skype with him, only to tweet about it the next morning.

I remember him immediately skyping me from the moment I got in to the moment I went to sleep, not letting me be alone throughout any of it. I remember his eyes scanning me the second the video chat loaded, scanning my whole body making sure my skin hadn't been further scarred. 

I remember him ranting about how we should meet sometime in the future, how we should make a video together and call it 'philisnotonfire' and do one every single year together.

I remember thinking that he wouldn't be there that long. He would soon leave and I would be alone once again, he would have better people to spend his time with than talk some sense into a pathetic 18 year old depressed kid.

I remember slowly thinking otherwise, thinking that it might actually happen sometime, just from the amount of times Phil would bring it up and rant about how fun it would be to meet, how fun it would be to physically touch each other, to get lost in each other's eyes, without all of the pixels.

I remember arranging the dates with him; 19th of October. I remember buying the train tickets down to Manchester. I remember counting down the days until we met. For the first time in my life, I was genuinely looking forward to something, even when my days were bad. I remember nervously shuffling my feet on the train and biting my lip to the point it almost bled.

I remember hearing the ping of the train and the roaring of its engine coming to a halt at the stop. I remember my heart racing as I stepped out onto the platform. I remember slowly raising my head as my feet dragged on the ground. I remember staring at him for the first time without the pixels. I remember him running towards me. I remember not even thinking and jumping into his arms, pulling him in, feeling his warmth against my body and his warm steady breath on my neck, his large hands clenching around me as if protecting me from everything and everyone. I think at that moment I knew I loved him, just didn't understand it.

I remember him telling me that things were only going to get better.

I remember being hesitant to believe him.

I remember it being the truth.

*no comment*