Paper Aeroplanes & Other Stories

Kissing Boys

I bet most people can remember their first kiss, even if they don't want to. I was fifteen, the first time I kissed a boy.

We were messing about down by the park; it was where us all kids on the estate used to hang out. The green field was like an oasis in the middle of the concrete jungle we called home.

There was a game of footy going on, and there was only about five minutes left because Tom had to be home by six for his tea. It was all level at two-two, and then Zach scored the winning goal. What I really mean is that he kicked the ball passed the spot where Andrew Roberts stood between two jumpers that were posing as goal posts.

Well after he'd scored that goal we were all cheering him and patting him on the head as if he were a dog, and for some reason, I decided that kissing him on the cheek was a good idea. But he moved his head at the last minute, and I'd ended up kissing him full on the lips.

"Get off, what are ya? Some sort of gay boy?" he'd asked, and they'd all laughed.

"Fuck off!" I'd shouted at him. I made sure to do it loud enough so everyone would know that I definitely wasn't gay.

I spent the next three years kissing as many girls as possible, but the truth is I didn't enjoy it - none of them felt as right as that first kiss.

I didn't kiss another boy until I was eighteen, and far enough away from home so that no one knew me. I kissed some nameless guy in a club; I kissed Sam in the cinema and Martin under the mistletoe at the works Christmas party.

And then I'd go back to my parent's house on the estate, try my best to avoid their questions about when was I going to get a girlfriend. Go down the Dog and Pheasant with my mates and pretend to fancy the barmaid.

I was going to tell them that it was all a lie, that I would never be finding myself a girlfriend because girls just weren't my thing. I guess I just never found the right moment, but somehow the right moment found me because life's strange like that.

"Do you remember that time you kissed me down the park?" Zach said me as we walked along Shore Street towards his new flat.

Did I remember? Of course, I did. I think that was the first moment that I realised I was gay; it was probably something I'd never forget. "Uh, no, not really," I lied to him.

"I can," he said stopping and looking at me. "Did you feel weird after?"

"It was a long time ago, man, I can't remember," I answered, hoping he would drop the conversation before I said something that I wasn't sure I was ready to reveal yet.

"I really went off on you, didn't I? I'm sorry about that dude. It plays on my mind sometimes, you know, like maybe that's the reason you're scared to tell everyone. Maybe you think they'll react like that too."

Despite the chill in the air, my hands were sweaty, and I could feel my cheeks heat up. "Tell everyone what?" I asked wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans.

"That you're gay," he said looking at me. "I know what it feels like to have this inner turmoil; I've been fighting it for years, ever since that day in the park when you kissed me. You said it was an accident, but I still hoped that it wasn't."

Looking at Zach was like looking in the mirror, he was as scared as I was, maybe that's why I gave up my secret in the middle of the street on a Tuesday in February. "It's true. I am. I Toby Adams am gay. And when I kissed you it was an accident, but of course, I thought what it would be like to do it again, for real." I couldn't stop the words from coming out; it was like someone had turned a tap on, all my emotions and thoughts came flooding out.

Before I could say another word, Zach pressed his lips against mine, and it didn't feel weird. It was like when you eat your Grandma's cooking; it reminds you of home. Zach kissed me under the lamppost by the corner shop, and I didn't care who saw.

Zach was my first kiss at fifteen, and he would be my last kiss at twenty-five when I kissed him in front of our friends and family. We'd walk out of the register office, hand in hand proud of who we are because when you find the one, you just know.