I remember the first time someone mentioned your name; it was spring, I was six, and Fearne didn't come home for breakfast one morning. Sadie from next door called round with her wrapped in a blanket. She looked so peaceful like she was sleeping.
At first, I didn't understand what you meant, maybe I still don't. All I know is that you are not temporary; that when you go to sleep, you don't wake up. Fearne never woke up again after that day. I never heard the soft pad of her paws across the kitchen floor or felt the tickle of her tail when she wrapped herself around my legs.
After that, I'd hear your name periodically. And sometimes I'd even see pictures of you, especially on Halloween, I guess it's your favourite holiday; it's mine too. You'd always be dressed in black and have a scythe in your hand, but I realise now, that's fictional, in real life, you don't look half as scary. You are the dew on the grass beneath my feet in that spot where we buried Fearne at the bottom of the garden. You are the bright bouquets tied to the lamppost down the end of our road, and dad's bench in the park where I sometimes go when I'm lonely and want someone to talk to. You are the sun on my shoulders when I walk along the beach where we scattered Matthew's ashes last summer.
Almost everyone I know is scared of you, but I don't know why. You're the only thing in life that we can depend on; you've always been there for me even in my darkest of moments. When no one else was there, you were. Do you remember that October afternoon, I'm sure you do, it was only last year, and I thought I was ready for you?
It was raining, and I'd sat alone in my room the whole day, thinking about Matthew and how much I missed him. I didn't understand why you had to take him, he was still so young, I thought you had to be old and grey before you came silently in the night. It wasn't even as if he was ill; it was sudden, and we didn't even get a chance to say a proper goodbye.
How was I supposed to accept that he was gone, forever? Forever is a long time, but it would've been okay, I could face forever with Matthew by my side. I begged you to take me, but you wouldn't. I tried to force the issue, but you were stubborn.
I guess I should thank you for leaving me behind, and making me realise that there is still so much life left to live before we meet for real. It's a harsh but comforting fact that you are the only real guarantee in life. And I know in the end, you will be there for me. One day you will gladly embrace me, there will be no judgement; you will accept me as I am, flaws and all. You will carry me away to my forever place, wherever that may be.
A.
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