Blue Butterflies {BxB}

Bad Again

As I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, my boyfriend, Connor, rolled over and put his arm around me as his phone alarm went off. He reached over and turned off his alarm and looked at the time. "Good morning." He said.

"Is it really morning?" I asked. I had been unable to fall asleep since I woke up sometime in the middle of the night.

"I'm afraid so."

He started to get out of bed, but I grabbed him arm and tugged it. "Stay in bed with me." I begged.

"I can't. I have work." Connor worked as an EMT and sometimes a nurse in the children's ward in the hospital. I didn't have a job. I was the one who took care of the house, though Connor truly did most of the work. He was pretty organized and like things "his way." I tried to find a job multiple times, but every position within walking distance was taken by high school students.

"Five minutes?" I continued to beg.

He slowly laid back down, but not without rejection. "Five minutes will turn into ten. Ten will turn into twenty. Twenty to thirty and then I will be late."

I snuggled into his bare chest. I was much smaller than Connor and I always had been. Connor was 6' 3" and I was only 5' 5". It was one of my biggest insecurities.

"You've been so clingy lately."

"Have I?"

"You haven't let me out of bed on time in the past week."

"I'm sorry."

"What's going on? You haven't been like this since you were bad last Christmas." I buried my face into his chest, not wanting to face it. "Will you tell me?" He slightly pushed my shoulder so that I looked at him. He looked me in the eyes. He knew I couldn't lie to his face. I grabbed his hand and held it to my cheek. "Jamie?" He already knew and was just making my admit it to myself.

I felt the words come up my throat, but I didn't want to say it. "It's gotten bad again." I whispered.

Conner let out a sigh. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer to him. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought I could handle it." I wanted to cry, but I bit my lip, trying to stop the tears. It didn't work.

"I'll take the day off of work. We'll stay home and I'll call Dr. Fray."

"I don't want it."

"I know, but it helps." Connor officially climbed out of bed. I heard mumbles through the wall as he called his work and Dr. Fray. Dr. Fray was my therapist Connor found for me when I moved in with him. When he was done, he came back and leaned down next to the edge of the bed. "Dr. Fray has you scheduled for Wednesday. And my boss let me out of work until Thursday." I was only Monday.

"I don't want you to miss work for that long."

"It's fine. Trust me." I trusted him, but that didn't change my mind. "Are you hungry?" He asked me and I shook my head. "You need to eat. I'll make breakfast. Come on." He grabbed my hand and led me into the living room.

I sat on the couch while he went into the kitchen. I heard him messing with bowls and spoons. He returned with two bowls of cereal and handed me one.

"I hardly call this "making breakfast."" I slowly stirred the cereal, unwilling to take a bite.I never really liked breakfast foods. When I was still in school, I would often leave the house without eating. Sometimes it was because I forgot, other times, I just didn't want any. I had gotten really skinny over that time.

"Do you want something else?"

"I don't want anything at all."

Conner saw I had not yet eaten. "Come on, Jamie. You need to eat." He placed his hand on top of mine to stop my senseless stirring.

"I know." I lifted the spoon with a few pieces of the cereal and took my first bite. Connor finished his breakfast way before me and he stayed to make sure I finished, but after a few more bites, I was full. "I can't eat anymore." He took both bowls and went to the kitchen to clean up. He came back and sat down on the couch with me again. I was handed a glass of water and a small pill, my antidepressant.

I had pulled my feet up onto the couch and held my knees close to my chest. "Come on." Connor urged. I took the pill and handed back the glass. I felt Connor place a hand on my shoulder and I leaned into him as he hugged me. " I know you hate it and I know you don't want it, but it helps. I don't like seeing you like this."

I started crying. "I don't want this."

"I know."