Blue Butterflies {BxB}

Therapy

Connor's alarm went off at 9:30 am, waking up both of us. I slept closest to the bedside table, so I reached over, grabbed his phone, and turned off the alarm.

It was a quiet morning. I didn't talk much because I had a lot on my mind. I was thinking about what Dr. Fray would say, what I would say, what Connor would say.

Connor.

We got dressed saperatly, meeting in the bathroom so I could brush my teeth and Connor would shave before we left. Connor stepped out of the bathroom with out a word and returned with a glass of water and one of my pills.

I looked at his hand and then at this eyes. "Did you forgot?" He asked.

"Yeah." I took the pill and the glass of water. I tilted my head back, dropped the pill in my mouth, and took a drink of water.

I turned back to the mirror. I looked at myself one last time. I saw the skin under my eyes was darkening and the skin around my lips was pealing. I had a tendency to bite my lip when I had anxiety.

Connor wrapped his arms around my waist and placed his chin on my shoulder. "I look like shit." I said.

"You're beautiful." I turned around and wrapped my arms around his neck. "And I love you."

I smiled at him. "What time is it?"

He picked up his phone. I noticed his wallpaper was still the picture we took when we went to Six Flags, only it was edited to be black and white. "11:30. Time to go." I sighed, indicating that I didn't want to go. "It'll help."

"I know." I took his hand in mine and allowed him to lead me out of the apartment into the parking garage. We got into our car and drove off, heading down town.

"Are you okay?" Connor asked.

"Yeah." I said. "Just nervous." Connor held my hand over the console and stroked the back of my hand with his thumb.

We arrived at the Therapy office. It was in the same building as a doctor office on the third floor. When the elevator doors opened on the third floor, the receptionist said that the therapist would be right out.

Connor said thank you and we sat on on of the couches in the tiny waiting room. Connor never let go of my hand.

"Jamie?" I heard my name being called. Dr.Fray was standing in the door way of her office. Connor and I both stood up. I was so nervous, I couldn't say anything.

Instead, Connor stretched out his hand and said, "Hello."

"I'd like to start with both of you in the room, if that's okay?" Dr. Fray asked and looked at me.

"Yeah." I finally said. "That's fine."

We walked into the room. Connor and I sat on the couch while Dr. Fray brought the chair from the corner into the middle of the room.

"What made you want to come in?" Dr. Fray asked.

Connor spoke up first. "Uh.. Monday morning Jamie told me he was getting bad again."

"Okay. Jamie?" She spoke.

"Yeah?" I replied.

"How long have you been feeling bad?"

"Um... I don't know.. A week, maybe two."

"How have you been coping?"

"Not well. I've slept a lot and um.. I can't seem to really do anything like get dressed or um..."

"That's okay." Dr. Fray looked down at her clip board and took notes. When she looked up, she looked at Connor. "What have you noticed, Connor?"

"Jamie doesn't want to get out of bed or eat. He got sick yesterday. He can make himself sick if he gets really nervous about something. He had a panic attack, but that was 3 months ago and he hasn't had another one since." Connor was honest like he always was. I didn't expect him to lie.

"Okay." She took more notes. "Connor, you can step out now. I'd like to talk to Jamie for a while." Connor stood up and squeezed my hand before walking out and closing the door behind him.

"I want to remind you, Jamie, that everything you say will be kept private unless you say I can share. I will not tell Connor anything." I nodded. "Why don't you tell me what is happening."

I shifted my position. "I uh... I woke up one day with this nagging feeling, like I had no purpose. And I couldn't get this thought out of my head."

"What thought, Jamie?"

"That I should have killed myself last year. That I should have jumped off the bridge."

"Why do you think you feel this way?"

"I don't know. I just feel like I should have ended everything when I had the chance."

"Do you feel like hurting yourself?"

"Recently? Yeah. It's like.. I don't know.. The pain reminds me that I'm alive or something."

"Have you hurt yourself recently?"

"Yes." I looked down, feeling disappointment in the air. "I did last week. I bought a cheap razor and took the blades out. And I did it on Monday."

"Does Connor know?"

"I don't think so. He dressed me when I was sick yesterday. I'm sure he must have seen something, but he didn't say anything."

Dr. Fray and I talk for a while about how my life was and what might be causing me to be depressed. When we were finished, she called Connor back in and had him sit down next to me.

"Is there any last thing you want to say, Connor?"

"I just want Jamie to get better. I'm willing to help any way that I can." Connor looked at me and back to Dr. Fray

"Okay, then. After talking to the both of you, I believe Jamie to have an anxiety disorder. All this means is that you, Jamie, can make yourself so nervous over something that you can make yourself sick or freak out in irrational ways. I'm going to encourage you to continue your medicine, but I am going to have you switch to a stronger medicine and I'm going to give you some new medicine as well to take when you feel yourself getting anxiety."

"Thank you." Connor and I both said as we stood up and left the office. The rest of the day was spent picking up my medicine at our pharmacy and going home to relax before Connor had to go back to work the next day.