Blue Butterflies {BxB}

Attacks

I found myself on a familiar street just as the pain in my ribs became to much and I stopped at a small convince store. I bought a beanie, a pad of paper, and a blue pen before I went next door to the small coffee shop that Connor and I went to the first day we met. I ordered a small coffee and sat at an empty table, the same table Connor and I Sat at.

I took out the pen and pad of paper and started writing after I put the beanie on to cover the bald spot.

I wrote down every happy memory I could think of. When a new one popped into my head, I stopped and wrote it down. When I ran out of memories, I flipped the page and wrote down a line i had read once:

"Remember me in laughter and smiles, for that it how I will remember you. If you can only remember me in pain and sorrow, do not remember me at all."

I packed up and walked out of of the shop. I walked down the street until I saw the bridge and turned walking towards the middle. I felt tears stinging the back of my eyes as I walked.

My phone vibrated in my pocket as it had been for some time now. I took it out, knowing who it would be. Connor had texted me.

Jamie, I'm sorry.

Show me. I replied.

I looked up from my phone and saw Connor standing half way across the bridge. He looked up from his phone and saw me, too. He stood frozen for a second before slowly waking towards me. I walked towards him and we stopped with distance between us.

"James." He spoke first.

"Connor." I wiped tears away just before they fell.

Connor stepped towards me with open arms. I pushed the pad of paper at him and walked towards the railing.

He came up behind me and placed his hand on the shoulder, but I pushed it away. "Don't touch me." I said as calmly as I could, but my whole body wanted to scream. I felt my heart start to race and my breathing become quick and shallow. I wanted to run, but I knew that if I did, I would be in pain.

"Jamie, I'm sorry. I snapped when I shouldn't have."

I was gasping for breath and my ribs were sending shooting pain through my body. I had lost my sense of time. I could not tell how much time had passed, but it felt like an eternity.

"Hey, Jamie. Look at me." And I did. "You need to calm down."

"Don't touch me!"

"I haven't." He held his hands up as if he were surrendering. I looked around, hoping for an escape route. "Jamie, look at me." I could hear myself gasping for air. "Jamie." His voice became distant. I tried to walk away from the situation, but I stumbled. "James. Stop." I didn't stop. I continued trying to walk away and felt the ground slip from under my feet.

Connor wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to the ground. I cried out in pain from my ribs and from wanting to be let go. I fought him, trying to escape his grasp, but everything failed.

"Let go of me!" I screamed, surely attracting some stares from the people passing by. Connor pulled himself to be sitting up against the rails with me tightly wrapped in his arms.

"Stop fighting. Breath."

"Is everything all right, sir?" I heard a lady say.

"Yes, officer." Connor said. "He's-"

I blacked out.

I woke up as Connor was explaining my situation to the officer and assuring her that no ambulance was needed.

Connor half carried me as we walked to the car and made our way to our apartment. Connor had me go to bed and insisted that we not talk about anything until I woke up.

When I did, I walked into the living room where I found Connor sitting on the couch, holding a yellow pad of paper. He stood up when when he saw me. I walked passed him and went into the kitchen.

"Jamie." He said. I turned around and found him standing in the entry way of the kitchen. "Can we talk?"

"Yes, we can."

Connor took two steps forward. "I'm sorry about what happened this morning. I should have been calmer."

"Connor, I don't think you see it."

"What am I not seeing, Jamie? You need to tell me so that I know."

"Everything is easier for you. When something happens, you can just shake it off and move on with your life." I leaned my back against the counter as it was difficult for me to stand for to long. "I can't do that. My brain will not let me."

"What can I do? What can we do? Tell me what needs to happen and we'll figure it out."

I grabbed my ribs suddenly feeling an immense amount of pain. "I need you to get my pain medicine. I can't reach it." I motioned towards the top shelf where Connor had our medicines.

He reached around me and handed me the pain pill. I took two as directed.

"What needs to happen? I want us to be okay."

"I just need you to listen to me. I want to get better. I want to be with you and I want to not feel like this anymore. I need you to know that I do care."

"I know you do. It was stupid of me to say. I was being selfish. I can't imagine a life without and I was acting out of selfishness. We can get through the this." Connor walked over and grabbed my gems, giving it a slight squeeze. "Can you do something for me?"

"What ever you need."

"I need you to talk to me. I don't care what it is. I will be there to help you. I don't know why you hurt yourself and I don't know why you feel bad, so I need you to communicate what your needs are with me."

"I don't know why I do it, Connor. I just do. I have a fucked up mind and..."

Connor leaned in and kissed me. "From now on, tell me when you feel bad or feel like you need to hurt yourself and I will help you in any way that I can." We looked each other in the eyes. " I love you."

"I love you, too."