Two Army Cadets are shamed for their sexuality on a daily basis. But as their love develops, they face crippling emotional and physical strife, they depend on each other to get through it all.
It was raining heavily. Lovell had smoked his cigarette all the way down, but it was finally was extinguished by the falling raindrops. "Why is it always cold as fuck." He thought to himself. He threw the cigarette butt over his shoulder. Lovell carried on walking through the shitty English whether. It took him a good twenty minutes before Lovell realised that he was not walking toward his own empty house, but in fact on the route towards Carter's street. He didn't know if it was force or habit or just an inconvenient accident. He was like a magnet, pulling him towards the person that had over time claimed all of his soul. But that was another thing. Carter seemed to have a strange effect on Lovell in general though, it was as if he wiped his brain. It was sadly complicated and he couldn't figure it out, he imagined all of the things he would say to Carter when he saw him next, but when he was finally in his presence it was as if his mind was literally stripped naked of all romantic and truthful thoughts that he was dying to say, but it hurt when he tried to open his mouth because Carter had a way of sewing it together, and when he moved his lips it just ripped him apart.
🔽💭 Will Carter 💭🔽
It was no later than ten o'clock when Carter felt like collapsing. "You've done it again Carter. Good job. Good FUCKING job." He spoke allowed to himself. He could hear it echoing around his living room. He stared at the wall in silence and let self pity drown him again. "HAH! Missing you comes in waves Ben FUCKING Lovell! Hah HAH I guess I'm about to FUCKING DROWN!" As he spoke, he threw himself against the wall and fell to the ground with a fresh black eye.
***
Only a few minutes past by before he rose to his feet, and stumbled into the kitchen, he punched every wall as he went, screaming as he did. He threw open the draw and pulled out the Vodka. He tried to rip of the lid with his fingernails, but in frustration he gave up and smashed the top of the bottle against the wall to open it, the glass was jagged. But Carter didn't give a shit. Im fact, he WANTED this to hurt, for stooping so low, letting himself fall to this level, he deserved it, in his mind. He brought the bottle up to his mouth slowly, shaking as he did so. A single tear threatened to fall from his eyes, but he wouldn't allow himself to release that kind of emotion, it would make him vulnerable. Something he could let himself be.
***
The glass cut fine strips around his mouth as blood drizzled into the bottle. "Blood and FUCKING Vodka." He ran right through the bottom floor of his house twice, pushing furniture until he returned to the living room, where his reflection glared back at him from the television. He threw down the Vodka in a rage and watched as it smashed all over the floor. He wiped his mouth, retrieved his hand back with blood smeared down it. In a fluster, he began to pick up the pieces of glass with his bear hands and running them to the kitchen rubbish bin and back. He took to throwing it at the walls and laughing as he did it. "When did I become this SANE?" He shouted at himself sarcastically.. Desperately.. He even crammed some glass under his t-shirt. And throughout all of this, he continued to keep a straight face, blood was streaming down his mouth and pain was circulating his body. He was shaking in anger with himself. He was a danger to himself. "I dare you to cry. You will eventually. You'll SNAP!" He whispered to himself sinisterly. He drove himself insane through lack of human emotion. "Because you're WEAK."
***
🔽💭 Lovell 💭🔽
Lovell shook his hair so it was away from his eyes. He was stressed and repeatedly running through his hair. He could barely see where he was going, but the rain still fell harder. He was attempting to stick to the pavement, however he was stumbling because of his non-grip shoes against the concrete was the result of him tripping into the road along with his lack of ability to give a fuck what happened to him when he wasn't in Carter's arms. He lay there for a few seconds, and his demons took control for the brief moment where he contemplated whether he should just lay in the road and wait for a car to hit him. A truck to scatter his limbs or a motorbike to smash his head off the tarmac. However, he shortly arose, thanks to this thought: "Carter is my reason to live, what if I'm his?" He peeled himself off of the road just as a car sped past at a speed that surely wasn't legal. He stood and stared down the road blankly for a few seconds before turning around equally fast. He ran to a nearby house and only stopped to pull a pure white rose from a bush that had clearly been pruned to the state of being almost bald. Obsessively picked at to be perfect. The rain would drown the plant anyway, he want hurting anyone. He clasped the flower in his hand, and Lovell only clasped tighter when he felt the thorns dig into his skin. "I love you Carter!" He shouted at the flower. "I.. I.. Love you... Carter.. Fucking... Ugh." He had drove himself insane by showing all of his most sensitive human emotions.
***
🔽💭 Carter 💭🔽
He sat on his sofa with is head tilted up. It wasn't long before Carter heard a knock on his door. At first sign of humans, his first call of response was "Fuck off" at the top of his now hoarse voice. But it sounded like it was a strained beg rather than it being threatening at all. The big man Carter had finally been scaled down to size. "I'll kill you I swear!" His voice cracked. He paused. There was no response, the only thing that answered was silence Carter stood up and tried to be quick about himself as he limped to the door.
And then he saw..
...with tears decorating his numb face, a perfectly white rose clasped in his bleeding fist, Carter's hoodie in the other..
... Stood Lance Corporal, Ben Lovell.
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