Two Army Cadets are shamed for their sexuality on a daily basis. But as their love develops, they face crippling emotional and physical strife, they depend on each other to get through it all.
He simply could not do anything but welcome him with open arms. The human being that stood before him as drenched from the stormy weather and hurt from his journey down to Carter's house. He stood there holding a petite flower, the only thing he could offer that represented his endless love and longing for him. He wrapped his arms around him and spun him around in the air. But, Neither of them were to smile. They simply stood captured in each other's gaze. "Carter what happened to your face?" "What do you mean?" "You know what!" Lovell said softly. Carter quickly turned away in shame. Lovell took his face gently in his hand and inhaled loudly. There was a brief pause. "I just don't want you to hurt yourself." Carter his face in his hands. "What did you-" Carter kissed him before he could say anything more, and kept him silent by the promise of the rest of the night being spent watching a movie and simply being with each other. But Carter simply couldn't shift the look of worry from Lovell's face, no matter what he promised and no matter how many times he kissed him.
***
The only light source at that time of night was the glaring that came from the T.V, as the main light's bulb had blown the previous month and no body could be fucked to fix it. But that didn't matter to either of them, they sat on the sofa, cradling around the T.V. surrounded by smashed furniture and a great mess everywhere. Carter felt Lovell running his fingers through his hair. He threw his legs over Carter's and held him close, Carter saw his gaze stricken with worry, but also love.
🔽💭 Lovell 💭🔽
Lovell insisted on bandaging Carter's hands for him, as he had also accidentally made them bleed by picking up the shattered glass, he was told. But as he sat close to Carter he felt some thing sharp against his legs, for there was more broken glass inside his pockets. He said, "Carter, I want you too take a shower and clean yourself, you'll feel better I promise."
***
💭🔽 Carter 🔽💭
Carter exited the shower with a towel around his neck and messy, wet hair. He pulled on a t-shirt and jogging bottoms, ran his fingers through his hair a couple of times and walked back down the stairs to see Lovell asleep on the sofa. Carter smiled down at him with great love in his eyes; he interlocked their fingers and exhaled deeply. But then, his face went dark. Lovell was clearly having a nightmare. Carter was still drunk as hell and it was affecting his brain. His mood snapped. The alcohol was pumping through his bloodstream at a rate such was alarming, he wanted to help Lovell, but by trying he would aggravate him. And then he realised.. "This is just like when he's awake." Carter slid down the wall with his fingers in his mouth. He pulled out his mobile phone and dialled his doctor. "Hello, how can we help you?" "I'm drunk as FUCK and I'd like to give my baby my heart." "Prank calls will not be tolerated, your number will be kept and reported-" "I'm going to kill myself." He threw down the phone. He edged himself out from under Lovell, who was still sleeping deeply.
***
He kissed Lovell on the forehead and held himself there for a while. "I love you Benny." He felt Lovell flinch. "I'm trying to sleep.." He mumbled, still partly asleep. He felt his voice crack and for the first time didn't recoil in disgust at his own sadness. "Lovell, you can do so much better, you are too amazing for me, I want you to be happy. I took some pills, Benny, now I'm gonna be happy too. I'm gonna give you my whole heart like I should've before!" He exhaled deeply. "Yes, I'm going to be happy when I'm dead, and trust me, you'll be too." And that was the moment, When Carter let himself cry. Carter kissed him once more and thudded slowly into the kitchen here he grabbed a knife from the rack that sported five other long knives. It wasn't long before he found himself in the bathroom, locked in an angry gaze with his reflection. It was war. He had dreamt of fighting wars as a cadet, but all he wanted was out now he was in his own private battle. He shut the bathroom door softly as not to disturb Lovell any more. He looked back up and raised the knife and pushed it straight into the mirror, it split down the middle and cracked throughout. He paused. He brought the knife back down to his side. "What the fuck am I doing?" Carter whispered to himself. He felt his head hit the ground as he blacked out.
***
🔽💭 Ben Lovell 💭🔽
Lovell's eyes shot open. It was two am and he had woken up to a crash and a cold space where the person he loved should have been lying. No, No, No, Carter should have been lying right next to Lovell - not passed out cold on the bathroom tiles. Still holding his hand - not a knife. Lovell ran into the bathroom and shouted in response. If you were to hear his cry, you would fully understand the depth of the word despair. He fell heavily onto his knees and tore the knife out of his cold fingers. He Tudor around and threw it so hard in anger it was embedded in the door. He sat tried to sit Carter up, slapped him, CPR, nothing was working. Only them did he think of calling the hospital. With his luck, the phone he had on him had died before he could even finish typing"999". Lovell put one hand under Carter's legs and the other under his arm and positively dragged him into his car, his keys already in his pocket. He cried all the way to the hospital, he watched Carter's chest every so slowly rise and fall through the car mirror. He'd never driven that damn fast in his life.
Maybe if he had hugged him tighter.
Kissed his bleeding lips for longer.
Told him he lived him just that little bit louder...
All he wanted was to take them back to that moment were they sat in silencejust holding each other.
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