Don't Make Me Live Without You

Unloved

🔽💭 Ben Lovell 💭🔽

It was the usual walk up to the Army Cadets. Lovell, a Corporal in the Army Cadet Force, prepared himself for the rest of the night he was going to face; another two hours of screaming twelve year olds and listening to the stories of a fellow Corporal, Will Carter's relationship problems.
"He's cocky, pre cautious, rude, kinda hot, wait.. Ew.. No.." He thought to himself.
"So why can't I stop staring at him..?"
Lovell had known he was crushing from almost the moment he saw Carter, but he had tried to keep that hidden.
Was he jealous of them though?
Jealous of the fact Carter had a relationship in the first place?
Actually, Lovell found himself more jealous of the fact that some random bitch had managed to get with Carter..
Lovell was to turn eighteen within the next few days before Annual Camp, where they would be assessed out in the field once more, then he would have around a year left with Carter at the cadet force.
"Lovell!" Another younger cadet shouted over the blue berets of the cadets.
"Hello, Phillips.." The kid was smaller and scrawny and looked up at Lovell like he was his commander, which as a Lance Corporal, he kind of was.
"What do you want?" He rubbed his eye and sighed.
"Are we getting ready for Annual Camp today or what? It's on Thursday so.."
"Yes, yes we are." Lovell perked up a little, just before being reminded of the fact that the person who he wanted to spend the week with couldn't give a shit about him.
He rolled his eyes and stood awkwardly for a few seconds, shuffling a bit.
"Okay everyone fall in!" He snapped. Lovell watched the cadets fuss as they stood in lines.
But then he saw him.
"Alright guys, shut up! You're on parade!" It was Carter. Lovell walked up stiffly to stand beside him.
"I ship it!" Someone shouted from the back.
"Shut up you're on parade!" Carter repeated as Lovell blushed. He looked to the side of him to see Carter blushing as well. Probably just embarrassed to be seen with him. But then again, he was a difficult character to read.
Lovell choked a little.
"H-hi..?"
Carter simply nodded without looking back at him. Lovell tilted his head back and looked at the darkening sky.
The other cadets began to talk again.
Lovell was getting pissed off now.
"I know it's piss cold but if you would PLEASE shut the fuck up that'd be great." He said sarcastically.
The parade fell silent.
"Thank you!" Lovell nodded proudly. They were finally recognising his rank.
He span around, only to see that Staff Sergeant standing on the other side of the parade square glaring at him and Carter
Lovell stood there in silence and waited for thin to talk first.
The Staff Sergeant scowled and shook his head.
"We're cleaning out the unit again today to make sure we know it's not us that fucks it up over Annual Camp."
The cadets sniggered.
"Air cadets, fuck's sake."
"Tell me about it." Lovell threw a glance at Carter. His girlfriend was in the air cadets.
He couldn't stop his eyes from flickering over to Carter. He couldn't help but remember how close they had been when they were younger, doing everything together through cadets, moving up through the ranks. Sure, he had been a dick occasionally, but that only came from growing further apart over time, much to Lovell's despair, and all that space between them was just filled by jealousy.

***

The rest of the night followed with nothing special at all, but as the cadets exited the unit, Lovell saw Carter.
"Fuck it.. Carter?" He shouted, looking around.
"I need to tell you somethi- oh.."
Lovell had turned around to see Carter with his back turned. He kissing the air cadet he had come to despise.
Lovell hated himself for the love he had developed.
It was an uneventful walk home, because the only thing that crossed his mind was the image of the boy he loved being so passionate towards someone that wasn't him. It was then that Lovell realised:
"I'm a very jealous person."
He sighed.
"But who wouldn't be jealous of Carter?"
He kicked the wall he was walking next to, and ran his fingers along the brick work.