Don't Make Me Live Without You

Embarrassed

🔽💭 Will Carter 💭🔽

Carter was driving up to the detachment with Lovell sat next to him. He already felt like he hadn't been down to the Army Cadets in a long while, and it had barely been a month. Lovell had advised him to stay home with him, and the first couple of weeks had actually been really enjoyable, spending time together.
Carter thought back to the time when Lovell decided to wake him up at eleven in the morning because he wanted to go and get brunch with him.
Brunch.
Fucking brunch.
It was one of his favourite mornings with him, and it made him realise how much appreciation Lovell deserved for how much he did for him, it was mainly the small things were the reason their relationship was so strong.
Carter cracked a little smile at the thought of him. He didn't know what he'd do without him sitting right next to him.

🔽💭 Ben Lovell 💭🔽

Not many people were at all aware of the relationship Lovell shared with Carter, mainly because they were simply not ready for people to know at that stage. If word was to get around the cadet force they would be in trouble of course, due to a homophobic Staff Sergeant of course. But right now, Lovell really could not give two shits who knew. He suspected that all the jeering and laughing about it may embarrass Carter though, so he kept quiet for his sake. It wasn't worth telling people anyway; it was nobody else's business. Various cadets had been "shipping" them together for ages, but they always laughed it off. Well, Carter did.
Lovell just followed along out of habit.
Sure, it was nobody else's business, but he wished they could just be open with their relationship, for they had been through so much over time.
Sometimes he would imagine; what would their lives be like if they could just be relaxed about their love, if they could just hold hands in front of others like the straight couples did...

If Carter wasn't..

Wasn't...

Embarrassed?

🔽💭 Carter 💭🔽

Carter made a U-turn at the car park and parked outside the ACF building. It smelt of takeaway food and smoke. Lovell was sat next to him and went to undo his seatbelt.
Carter looked over from the corner of his eyes. He drummed his fingers on the dashboard heavily.
He was about to reach out to grab his hand when Carter blurted out,
"Is this working?"
Carter gulped, opened his mouth to retaliate but no words would come out.
"Lovell.."
Carter watched Lovell open the car door and stumble out. He closed the door lightly, as if nothing was wrong.
Carter sat back in his seat and sighed deeply. He locked his fingers behind his head rest and sat back into the seat.
He climbed out, slammed the door and began to follow Lovell.
"Lovell!" He shouted. "Lovell!" His voice began to grow hoarse. He pushed through the other cadets that huddled around a phone that glowed in the dark.
He stopped in front of them.
"Alright fuckers who's seen Lovell?"
"Not me Carter."
"Nah sorry Corporal."
"He's in the stores Corporal."
Carter nodded at the cadet and ran around the building into the stores.
He saw Lovell will his head against the wall. At the sound of footsteps he jerked his head up and turned around in a fluster.

His eyes were red.

"Lovell..?"
Carter slowly turned his head, his facial expressions bleak.
"Why are you crying Lovell?"
There was a pause, it turned from a simple absence of words to the deafening kind of silence.
"Talk to me-"
"I'm sorry," Lovell whispered.
"I just don't know what's happened, why are you so ashamed of telling people about us?"
In response, Carter stood stoney-faced.
Carter bit his lip. He only wanted some company when Lovell had been at his family's.. He didn't mean for it to escalate any further...

🔽💭 Lovell 💭🔽

He stood with his gaze locked firmly into Carter's, but he could feel his eyes faltering, trying not to blink as it would let loose his tsars that were welling up, resting on his eyelids.. One gentle blink...
But that was just it. When staying at his parent's house he revived a text message, sent from the phone of Carter's ex girlfriend.
The message read:
"Can't wait to see you again, I've missed you so much! Anyway, have a good weekend with your mates, I'll be seeing you soon. Plans still on for tomorrow? Maybe we could just sit and watch another movie like yesterday of you can get rid of Lovell? Haha jokes, he's alright. Love ya xx"
Which was confusing at first, but even more so when Lovell read the message that followed,
"Oops sorry that was meant to go to Carter aha."
Lovell hadn't actually touched his phone since.
His mind returned to his current position, gazes locked with Carter. He felt used.
"You told me you loved me Carter."
"And I meant it!"
"But why did you..?"
"Because I missed her okay?" He said angrily. They were both trying to keep quiet as the office was right next to the stores, and if they spoke any louder they would be heard through the thin walls.
Lovell stood in the shared, angry silence.
"I'm sorry Lovell.."
"I don't care!" He tried to look strong, like he didn't care, like Carter always did.
But he wasn't Carter, and he couldn't do it.
"She was on her own for the week. We only watched a movie and she left before it finished."
"Is that why you didn't come down to meet my family as a couple?"
"Not at all. I felt bad for her, okay? She's in a bad place at the moment."
"Fine. Bosley is coming round mine tonight." Lovell tilted his head up.
"Don't be so fucking childish Lovell." He tried a cautious chuckle.
"The cadet from the detachment next to us? Really?"
Lovell realised that he had him wrapped around his little finger.
Carter smirked at him.
"Have fun, I'll be with her anyway, who knows, by the end of the night she might not be an ex anymore.." He wore an evil smile.
Lovell wasn't being serious about Bosley, it was more of a defence against Carter. But he knew Carter was telling the truth. He knew how to make people feel loved.
Lovell felt his hands trembling. He raised his hand and slapped Carter right around the face and felt a tear fall down when Carted didn't move an inch. He continued to hit him around his body, but his punches grew weaker and weaker as he went on. He knew he couldn't bring himself to cause any serious harm to Carter.
Because he loved him.
"Can we forget about this? I'll forget about the girl o you do to and we can pretend it never happened, we can hold hands again and-"
He drifted off as Carter slowly shook his head, and turned around with an evil grin plastered across his face. Lovell watched Carter sling his bag onto the shelf.
"I can do better Lovell, I've found someone that says that they love me."
Carter left the room.
Lovell was done with crying. He stomped out of the room after Carter and stood in front of the cadets that had gathered in front of the corporals.
"Alright, I'm in and fucking mood tonight so if anyone fucks around tonight.." His voice trailed off. He couldn't even pretend to be angry. He just felt nothing apart from self loathing. He could hear Carter calling his name faintly along with other cadets. He didn't respond, for he was too deep in thought.
"If I was attractive would he appreciate me? If I was interesting? Funny? If I was her.." He contemplated silently, a blank expression was visible on his face.
"Lovell!" He jerked his head up.
"Get them to attention!" Carter hissed.
The cadets laughed.
Lovell laughed with them, and he carried on laughing till the end of the cadet night.
"I'll just laugh so I don't cry.. Hmm?"

***

🔽💭 Carter 💭🔽

He walked out of the unit with his head high. He'd proven a point.
He didn't need that pussy.
He didn't need that bitch.
He didn't need that fucking-
He didn't need the person who had saved his life...
Carter threw open the car door.
He didn't need the person who had been the thing that his favourite memories orbited around.
He started the engine and threw his keys to the back of the car.
He needed the person he loved.
He pulled out of the car park and swerved round.
He rolled down the windows and stuck his head out of them as he swivelled the steering wheel fast.
It felt wrong, driving without Lovell at his side. Knowing that he couldn't talk to him whenever he wanted. It felt awful.
If he went to his ex girlfriend now.. He may never hear the sound of Lovell's voice telling him that he loved him; something he had taken for granted.
Lovell had stood beside him and held his hand through all the bad times.
"Fuck this."

***