Two Army Cadets are shamed for their sexuality on a daily basis. But as their love develops, they face crippling emotional and physical strife, they depend on each other to get through it all.
The journey seemed to go quicker than the ride to Annual Camp; the cadets were grateful for this as the week had been draining. The mini van had pulled up back at the detachment and cadets were piling out of it. Annual Camp was more organised in terms of discipline than it had been the previous year so many cadets left the camp exhausted. Carter walked ahead to stores and grabbed his hoodie and kit. He'd been stuck on that can for hours and he needed to stretch his legs. Lovell had said that parents were picking him up after all. Carter wouldn't admit it, but he was disheartened that he would rather be with his parents than with him. "I'm good at fucking things up aren't I. Don't blame him. Was I too forward? Too cocky? Too fucking ugly?"
🔽💭 Ben Lovell 💭🔽
Lovell left his bags in stores. He felt awful for lying to Carter but there was a reason why. "I feel like I wasted his time.. He didn't say he loved me back... Did he kiss me out of pity? Was I too desperate? Too shy? Too fucking ugly?" He saw CSM Jones pull a cigarette out of the inside pocket of his coat. "Hey Sir.. You don't have another one do you? I need one to be honest." "Nah, just have this one mate." He handed the cigarette to Lovell. "Thank you." Jones nodded and walked away. Lovell didn't have a lighter, so he sat on the curb on the other side of the car park and twirled it around his fingers. His head was in the palm of his other hand and he began to cry for the first time in months.
🔽💭 Carter 💭🔽
As he walked out of stores and into the car park, Carter looked around for any sine of Lovell but he wouldn't dare let himself be seen as weak. Opening up was difficult for him as any previous person who said they loved him would leave after regretting those fateful words. But that was it, Carter got so easily attached to people he just didn't want to hurt anyone else like he had in the past. He walked off into the carpark, nodded at CSM Jones and walked past him. "Hey Carter?" "Sir." "What happened between you and Lance Corporal Lovell?" "It's complicated I guess." "Are you saying that so you don't have to explain to me?" "I'm not gonna lie to you Sir. I love him but I'm scared of hurting him, I don't wanna fuck things up, get close and upset him. Change that, I'm not scared, I'm terrified and I don't know what to say to him." Carter looked back at Jones and he shook his head.just don't ask next time. I'm just thankful for you defending us." "... It's okay, just be confident in yourself. I've always known he's had a thing for you since the day you two showed up. I know these things dude I've been on this earth a good four years longer than you." Jones. chuckled. Carter flashed a brief smile. "But I'll never get it, why does he want to destroy his insides with smoking?" "Carter you smoke too." Jones said, confused. "Yeah, but I won't live to an old age anyway so what's the point. The only reason I'd want to is to spend it with Lovell." "You just need to tell him that." "I wish I had."
***
He flashed another smile and carried on walking, focuses on getting home. But then he saw Lovell, sitting on the curb of the pavement and looking straight at the concrete, holding a cigarette that was unlit. Carter pulled his lighter out from his pocket along with another cigarette. He put his arm around Lovell and lit the cigarette. He held his arm over him. He lit his own cigarette and held it between his teeth as he put his lighter back in his pocket. He stared into his hazel eyes an followed a tear that ran down his cheek. He couldn't even say hello, silence felt more appropriate. He had managed to break another person by just sitting in silence.
***
🔽💭 Lovell 💭🔽
He stared back at Carter. Lovell was ashamed that he was fucking crying in front of the one person who he felt kept him strong. There was something he needed to scream at Carter, to tell him how much he loved him. To tell him how sorry he was for not being able to show his affection without being an embarrassment. To make any form of interesting conversation. "Fuck me it's freezing." He finally said. Carter pulled his hoodie out of his bag and pushed it awkwardly against his arm. Lovell lay flat on the curb and rested his head on Carter's knee, taking a drag from the cigarette and blowing it in Carter's face. Carter smiled down at him as Lovell began to laugh softly for a few seconds before settling into a mirrored, small smile. Lovell chuckled again as Carter leant down and held his lips against his. The cigarette smoke spiralled above them, reflecting the moonlight.
🔽💭 Carter 💭🔽
Carter stood up slowly and took Lovell's hand with him, pulled him up and held him tightly against him where they held each other tightly for a few seconds. Carter released him but kept his hand tight as he took another drag from his cigarette. "You're not supposed to smoke with braces, Lovell?" Carter mentioned in curiosity. "Sometimes you just need the release, you know?" "Oh, I know. Believe me." Carter stared into Lovell's eyes in concern. "Is that why you smoke?" "It's a substitute for you. A release of all the effort I make to try and show my love for you." Lovell stepped back and Carter felt his hand slip from his. He watched as Lovell turned away, tilted his head up, and exhaled a long billow of smoke. He walked away with Carter's hoodie in his hand and tears down his cheeks.
🔽💭 Carter/Lovell 💭🔽
"Why the fuck didn't I tell him I loved him? Maybe that would've made him say something."
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