All The Right Buttons (student/teacher story)

16. The aftermath

I woke up in hospital with my arms wrapped up in bandages and what happened the night before and what J had said to me and the feelings of worthlessness came back like a bullet straight through my heart and I began to try and pull off the bandages but Jenna walked in

"I wouldn't do that if I were you Eva" Jenna simply stated with a look of slight disappointment in her eyes "you've also not been resting your ribs like I asked off you and I rang your college and they said that you've been in college as well"

"Please Jenna I don't need to be hearing this right now look at me do you think I need a lecture?" I began softly crying even though I hated myself for it

"But your going to hear it, Eva it was me that found you and just in time, I came to yours because I needed to see how things were at home and from what I saw of your mum Eva you've never probably had any structure or support so that's why your going to hear this and even though I might only be a nurse you've met once I know exactly what your going through"

"No you don't Jenna do you think I like feeling like this? Do you think I enjoy the pain this brings? Or the fact my mum hasn't noticed and she probably never will cause she's too spaced out to? Or what about the fact the guy I thought who might possibly see some good in me now thinks I'm a piece of dirt on the bottom of his shoe and I probably never deserved him anyway?" I was now sobbing uncontrollably and I felt Jenna wrap her arms around me in a effort to comfort me

"You silly girl Eva you deserve all the good things you've got the rest of your life in front of you and I'm going to help you recognise that Eva we're going to fix you together first Eva and everything will be okay" she smiled softly at me and for the first time I began to believe that everything might actually be okay "because you've come in because of self harm though Eva it's NHS protocol that you have to have psychological assessment to check that your longer a danger to yourself but after that your going to come home with me and sort everything out from there now have a rest and concentrate on healing" I smiled softly at her and shut my eyes and tried to get some sleep

I woke up a couple of hours later after probably one of the worse nights sleep I had I turned over and there was J sat asleep in the chair next to the bed with his hand resting on one of bandages. I began to feel such a mix of emotions with just his simple touch but I knew what he said to me he meant and he was probably was just feeling responsible and a lit but guilty that I was lying here and that's why he was sat there. I slowly pulled my arm away from his but he woke up and the sadness that filled his eyes made me want to start crying all over again

"Did you think I really wouldn't care about you this Eva that you felt you had do this?" J asked softly

"But you don't care" I simply stated "how could you after all the things you said and I know you meant them so don't even try to deny it"

"Those things I said Eva were just out of anger and I should never have said and I definitely wouldn't have said them if I knew you were this fragile"

"I am NOT fragile J I'm not a piece of glass that is going to shatter!"

"Look where you are Eva"

"Yes I'm in hospital because I took a blade to my skin but that's my coping mechanism I mean look at you and how you cope" I began to feel frustrated that he was judging me when he had simply no idea what I was going through!

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean look at you and the way we began and wanting so much control over my body and where you got to take it, control is your coping mechanism and this is mine"

"Don't you see how fucked up this Eva? And you mean you've done this more than once?" J quickly pulled up my arm and saw some of the old scars that were visible where the bandage didn't cover "how didn't I notice?" He asked more to himself than to me

"Because people don't see what they don't want to see J" I pulled down the sheets and showed him some of the scars on my thighs since I began to feel brave "you didn't notice these either J every time we were together so don't worry about it"

"How am I not meant to worry about a girl that self harms that I teach"

"So you don't worry over a girl that your sleeping with and meant to care about?"

"That's not what I meant Eva"

"So what did you mean then J?"

"I can't pretend I haven't seen this Eva I have to tell them at school"

"And are you going to say J? That you saw them while you were visiting your student in hospital? And what if they ask questions and ring the hospital and speak to Jenna what do you think she'll say?"

"I'll say that the hospital rang me because I'm the family friend your currently staying with"

"What?!"

"You think I'm letting you go home to your mother who didn't even realise what I was doing to you in the kitchen let alone what your doing to yourself!"

"Jenna already said that I'm going home with her and she's going to fix me" I whispered quietly realising how stupid that must have sounded

"She can fix you and I can't?"J genuinely looked upset at that prospect

"J I want you to want me and care about me and not worry about fixing me and worrying about when I mess up again"

"What do you mess up again? Eva you can't be thinking about doing this again!?"

"It doesn't just stop over night the pain and the memories are still there it doesn't just disappear"

"It will when your with me I'll still want to be in you even lying there in that hospital bed you look beautiful

"I do not but if me and you are going to work you've got to look past this and just see the scars J I need you to be normal and think of that girl you found on the floor before you knew all this" J suddenly looked like thunder as he seethed

"That bastard is the trigger for all this isn't he?" J suddenly stood up and punched the wall behind me

"It started before him, it been with me since I was 13" I quietly answered "and punching walls won't help either J" I pressed the attendance button on my bed for a nurse to come in the room "you'll need some ice on that J" as he looked at me questionably

Jenna walked in but didn't look happy to see J with me

"Jenna can you get some ice for Js hand?"

"So your Jenna? Your the one that thinks you can fix Eva?" J asked rather rudely

"Let's talk in corridor J" Jenna answered as she walked out the room

I began to feel tense over what they might say and what they might decide 10 minutes passed and I began to feel nervous so I stood up but I suddenly felt lightheaded and I feel to the floor with a loud thump with brought them both running back in

"Eva what were thinking? J scolded me as he lifted me back into bed

"No one told me I couldn't get out of bed and I wanted to know what was going on"

"We decided that your going to stay with me for a week and if it doesn't work out then you'll stay at Jenna's"

"Don't do this out of pity J"

"I'm not the idea first crossed my mind when I walked into your house for the first time anyway"

"Are you okay with this Jenna?" I turned to face her needing to know that she supported the idea

"Honestly? I wasn't too sure but after a little persuading and some grade A flirting here off J I support the idea although I'm still not sure about you staying with your teacher Eva who is obviously more than a 'family friend'"

"Just think of all the extra homework we can get done" J answered rather suggested winking at Jenna as I slapped him on the arm as that obviously wasn't helping till Jenna surprised me by laughing

"When can I talk her home Jenna?" J asked

"Probably tomorrow afternoon, you can come pick her up once schools finished"

"You think I'm going into work while she's lying here" J asked shocked

"Honestly go to school and do your job for once" I laughed at him

"No I think they can spare me for one day Eva, now get some rest I saw how badly you were sleeping before"

"You'll be here when I wake up?"

"I'm not going anywhere Eva" and with that I fell asleep with a smile on my face hoping that everything would workout