Situation

Chapter 22: Shadows of Shame

        My eyes open to darkness, meaning it was before dawn. I groggily sit up, missing the warm body that generally was beside me. Sighing, I kick the sheet off my body and swing my legs over the side over the bed, making sure they touch the floor before I put my elbows on my knees.

It was a week since the ultrasound, and on Monday, Kanda had to retrieve Innocence somewhere in Germany. He was supposed to be back tonight, and he made contact yesterday before he got on the train, so I had planned to sleep until noon and stay up until he got here, but it was a rather long trek from the station to the Order, and I don't know if tonight means sundown or two in the morning. I didn't do much this week because of the absence of my boyfriend, and really I only left my room to eat.

Any other time, I would've been with Lenalee, but that wasn't an option. I knew I needed to apologize, but when I tried, she wouldn't give me the time of day. The last time we had a fight like this, it didn't end well, as in that was when I first attempted suicide, and with Kanda not here, the only thing that was keeping me from cutting was the baby. But even she wasn't holding me back very efficiently. It was only a matter of time before I broke, and the only way hold it back would be to see what would happen if I tried to say how sorry I was one more time.

I consider waiting and flopping back down onto the bed, but instead I stand and begin to pull on the clothes I had laid out on my dresser. After I had brushed my teeth and hair, I head out to the cafeteria for breakfast. It was probably seven now, and Jerry had just set up the kitchen and was more than happy to make a giant breakfast for me.

In half an hour, I was done eating and was walking towards Lenalee's room. It may be only an hour after sunrise, but I knew for a fact the Lenalee got up when the sun rose, no matter what. I'm not sure how she does it because she stays up until midnight sometimes.

I stand outside the door of her room. What was I going to say? Hey, Lenalee, I'm sorry. That was what I'd been doing for the past two weeks. Maybe it just takes a little push. Hesitantly, I knock on the wood.

It takes a second, but soon the door opens. She was wearing her uniform and looked like she was about to go to the cafeteria. Our gazes meet, and I can see the sorrow in her violet eyes. She opens her mouth to say something and then she closes it again, breaking the eye contact to stare at the ground. I say, "Lenalee, I'm really sorry I didn't tell you about what was going on. Please forgive me."

Worst. Apology. Ever. It was that simple. I didn't really have anything else to say and just as I was about to turn away, she replies, "I wasn't mad, or angry. It was just that I can't stand it that I didn't notice. Allen...just...just leave me alone for a while. We're still friends, but I need some time."

Even though her voice was steady and her eyes were cast downwards, I could still tell she was on the verge of tears. I whisper, "Okay."

With that, I bolt back to my room, not stopping until the bathroom door was locked behind me. I let the tears come, and I bang my head hard against the wall several times, indentions probably left behind. My legs collapse from under me and I slide to the floor. What was I going to do? Lenalee hated me now; she just wasn't going to tell me. Kanda was somewhere hundreds of miles away. I had no one.

The shudders begin wracking my body, and I fall to my side, the cold floor soothing my hot cheeks. I cry, "Kanda!"

He couldn't hear me, but I needed him right now. I needed him more than ever except that night I got pregnant. I pull my shirt off and dig my nails into the flesh of my upper arms, my pain making me see white spots.

I wasn't going to do it. I wasn't going to do it. I shake my head harshly as I try to push my nails deeper, but can't. Fingernails can only go so far down into your skin and then they stop. I needed the numbness so badly. I had to have it.