Situation

Chapter 23: Forgiveness and Darkness in the Past

          We had to have laid there for hours, me crying and Kanda bleeding and telling me it was okay. It was one of the most intense nights of my life, and I didn't like intensity. I was about to pull away from him when one of his arms slipped under my legs and he picked me up, carrying me bridal style into the bathroom.

Since I wasn't really sure what he was doing, I just clung to his neck until he says, "Let go for a second."

I follow the kind order, releasing him and I feel something hard under my butt and thighs, the vanity. He had sat me onto the vanity and was wetting the washcloth I had used to clean my wounds in the first place. Squeezing out the extra water, he gently took my right arm and ran the cloth over my wrist. I welcomed the soothing sting, letting out a small sigh of relief. I say, "I can do it, if I need to."

The look Kanda gives me tells me "No, not in a million years." I don't blame him. Obviously, I wasn't the most stable person in the world. That's when he moves the cloth to my much more severe wound on my shoulder.

I think that it was so deep that no matter what, I would feel the effects of my previous actions. As he pressed down ever so little, stars swirled my vision, and I throw back my head against the mirror, arching into his touch and whimpering at the feeling. The numbness was incredible, and I immediately miss it when he pulls away, casting me a confused look.

I glance at him, embarrassed as I whisper, "Please, do that again."

He shakes his head, "No, did I hurt you?"

"No, it felt good," I reply, longing for the feeling again. I wasn't sure if he understood why it felt good, and the thought was confirmed when he said, "Why would cleaning a wound feel good? Isn't it painful?"

I repeat, "Please, do that again, Kanda."

"No, I want to know what you felt."

I glance up at him, his eyes full of bewilderment as I say, "Numb, it makes me feel numb."

"Do you mean cleaning wounds or cutting?" his voice was full of concern, and he brushes away a tear slipping down my cheek. I sniffle, "Cutting."

"I thought it was painful," he says.

I shake my head, "It's painful at first, but then it's like being high morphine only better. I can't really explain it, but it feels incredible."

"That's what you meant by 'detaching from the world.'" He whispers, and I nod.

Trying to find a new topic, I say, "You need to take a shower, and so do I. Can you start the water?"

He nods and moves toward the shower, but as I hop off the vanity, he comes back, leaning on the wall with his eyes closed. Confused, I look in the tub's direction, realizing the problem. I had forgotten to clean up the mess from when I cut the first time. Quickly, I grab the cloth and go down on my knees, scrubbing the bloody floor spatters and smears on the tub. I didn't look up as the shower comes on and stand, tossing the cloth into the tub so I could use it to clean up the blood on our bodies.

Kanda was already in the shower as always, and I strip hastily, following him in less than a minute. His back was to me as he wet his hair and then squeezed out the moisture, the water coming out scarlet. I whimper quietly, watching his blood leave his hair. My boyfriend says, "It's healed already."

"I know, but still, how could I..." I trail off, looking at my hands. Not trusting my legs' strength, I sit down, bringing my knees to my chin and wrapping my legs with my arms. I close my eyes and resist the urge to dig my nails into my cut even though every nerve inside me screamed for the numbness.