Life After An Eating Disorder

the first day of school

Today was the first day of school, that means stress and homework and the need to be perfect all over again. Great.

I know something will happen, I know that for a fact. Three years ago it was depression, but I get betters, two years ago I started cutting, but I stopped, and last year I developed anorexia, but I'm recovered. Maybe I'll stop sleeping this year.

I don't think I've ever been so un-excited in my life for school to begin. I've always been a quiet version of the "teachers pet", yet I'm terrified today.

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I make it until the end of the day, and I get a chance to get ready for the concert that's kept me from killing myself so many times. 5 Seconds Of Summer at Jones Beach Theater. I've been dreaming about this day for months now.
But what if I don't have enough energy to jump around? Maybe a handful of nuts will correct that, I mean, I haven't eaten anything yet today, I could collapse at the concert, and, wow, that would suck. I walk over to my fridge and pull out a bag of chestnuts and take out five (90), but that seems like a lot, so I put one back (72).
After I finish examining the nuts, I put them in my mouth, one at a time. Ten bites, swallow. Take a sip of water. Ten bites, swallow. Take a sip of water. Ten bites, swallow. Take a sip of water. Ten bites, swallow. Take a sip of water. I repeat and repeat until I finish the food in my paws.
I'm still hungry, why am I still hungry?! Maybe a few cookies will do the trick. I go to my cabinet and pull out my moms organic, coffee flavored cookies. I carefully place two on a place and gobble them up before I have a chance to check the nutrient facts.
Well there's only a few left in the box, so I might as well eat the rest. I eat the rest as fast as humanity possible.

I hear my stomach groan. That can't be right.... I'll just make myself a sandwich.

Two sandwiches later, I'm able to stop myself. I pick myself up and drag my body to my room so I can get dressed in my concert clothes. Haha fatty! I bet they won't even fit now! I slip my two on, surprised that I still have wiggle room inside, and then I place a thick, black tutu around my waist. I punch my fist between my stomach and the lining of the tutu to find that the skirt fits rather loosely. That's nothing body pins can't handle though.

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Once I got to the concert, I convinced my mom to buy me a drippy ice cream cone for the end of the summer. Chocolate ice cream with chocolate sprinkles in a waffle cone. I ate it up so quickly, you'd think I haven't eaten in days.
"I brought granola bars if you girls get hungry." One of my best friend's, Amanda, mom told Amanda, Hannah, and I.
Half way through the concert I not only devoured the granola bars brought for me, but also the ones brought for Amanda and Hannah.
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11:34 P.M.

I can't sleep. Why the fuck did I eat so much?! I can feel the extra fats and sugars I consumed today being turned to fat. That fat will crush your bones! I have to get it out. But I can purge, I promised myself I'd never become that person. I have to get it out.
I rolled out of bed and dropped to the ground where I spent all night exercising.