Life After An Eating Disorder

wintergirls

I'm don't know when I realized that I had an eating disorder. I just remember never being able to eat quite normally. But when did it turn into an actual disorder? I developed atypical anorexia in November of 2014, but I have food diaries from well before that. I also have tangible memories from sixth grade from when my "friends" weren't acting like friends. In those moments, I'd rely on not eating to make the stress go away.

The best way for me to explain why I am the way I am would to compare it to religion. I was born and raised a Catholic, but now I'm an atheist. The scary part is I didn't even realize that I was losing my faith. I used to believe in the Greek gods too, along with mermaids, fairies, werewolf's, vampires, spells, potions, other dimension, and things of that sort. Now I realize that that's all bullshit. With this, I bet I won't believe in spirits in a few years too. I don't even remember being skeptical about God. All I can remember is completely believing in him, some time passing, then me realizing that I don't believe in him.

This is like an eating disorder because you don't realize you're losing your ability to eat.

However, unlike the generation before me, I wasn't shocked when I was diagnosed with anorexia. It was more like "no shit Sherlock" reaction. Don't get me wrong, I never wanted this. I know I'll always have an eating disorder, it's never going away but I just need to learn how to manage it. But I don't have a typical eating disorder, so "management" isn't coming soon. The thing about having an unspecified disorder is your diagnosis changes rapidly. I've already had a form of bulimia, a few forms of anorexia, EDNOS, OSFED, and feeding disorder, and that's only within the past year to two years.

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I re-watched The Perks Of Being A Wallflower last night and I couldn't help but notice Sam, the main character, saying a line about how she loves bulimia.... then laughing. She made a joke about eating disorders. I decided to do some research on it and I found out that she forgot what she was actually going to say, so she made up that line, and with that, I've lost all my respect for her.
This movie reminded me of a book called Wintergirls. I read in when my eating disorder was at its worst and I viewed it as a way of making anorexia vs bulimia. I'd much rather be anorexic than bulimic, but neither nor sound glamorous.
That leaves me here, in a state stuck between fighting urges and caving in. I starve myself all day, eventually give up, then binge. I binge like crazy until the point of almost vomiting. But I never want to have bulimia, so I resist the urge to purge, even though it'd be much easier.
I'm just trying to balance myself, I'm finding a place between starving and binging.