Life After An Eating Disorder

Mother Rankle

AN// I'm writing this as I go on with life and this just happened today :(

It wasn't until April 9th that Mother Rankle actually passed away. Her family decided it would be best if she was taken off the life support because she had no brain activity and she wasn't going to wake up.
I'm not sure if that means she was in a como, or a deep sleep, or she was faking death until her time came, but on that muggy April 9th, it wasn't her time. She wasn't supposed to die so young and so early.

Ever since I was ten years old, I was suicidal. This led me to believe that I'd be the first one of my friends and family that passed away. I wanted to be the first to die, it wasn't supposed to be her. She still had her whole life ahead of her. A lot of my reasons for wanting and wishing for her to be here may be selfish, such as wanting to see her bright, smiling face again or catching her reading a juicy book, but I miss her. And her family, my heart goes out to them, oh god.... God, this event caused me to debate his existence even more. If he, our father almighty, is truly real, he should've saved her.

Once I arrived to the funeral home, I saw another Lake George friend, Anne Easparas, with her parents in the parking lot. I hugged both of Anne's parents, Jackson and Dolly, before going to Anne. Tears welled up in my eyes as we greeted each other softly.

Once we went inside, we saw another dear friend, Harriet, and the first thing he did was go up to me and wrap his arms around me and engulfed me in a long hug and asked how I was going. What was I supposed to say? I'm doing just fine? That'd be a lie.
Once I saw the tears Harriet Ried's mom, Dorothy, eyes, I lost it. I started bawling before the ceremony even started.

I watched with teary eyes as more and more people went up onto the stage to speak about how Mrs. Rankle touched their hearts and how she was an amazingly caring person.
The Reverend asked if anyone else wanted to say a few words, so I slowly stood up and walked to the podium.
I didn't realized just how scary it actually was until I got up there, and my anxiety didn't help. I stood up on my toes so that I reached the microphone and started speaking with a shaky voice. "At this time last year, I had a lot of self-esteem issues, and Inez would always take time out of her day whenever I saw her to ask how I was doing and to tell me that she's there for me. She really touched my heart, as she did with everyone else's. And she cared about and loved everyone here."
If was only a few sentences, but it honestly took a lot out of me. I was the only person, by appearance, under the age of thirty who spoke.
I sped back down to my seat, where I was greeted with Anne hugging me and Harriet telling me that I did a good job.
I could tell that everyone was shocked I spoke.

When I visited the Rankles home after the service, so many people told me how proud they were that I said something. Mr. Rankle spoke to me by myself and told me that it meant something to him that I said something, especially since I have a reputation of being shy. I could tears welling up in his eyes and my heart broke into a million little pieces for him. This was my first time I ever saw him cry.