Sanctuary

The Letter

Dear Maya and Lucas,

                    Is this what you want from me? Do you want me to be this way? Do you want me to always be the girl you think I am, or the girl I am now? Are you ever going to ask me why I'm acting this way, why I left you guys?  Because so far it seems like you don't even care about whether or not I'm in your lives. How do you still not get it? I'm giving you all of the signs. The music I've been listening to lately. The things I've written. You guys have always told me that I can talk to you about anything. That you can tell how I'm feeling just by looking into my eyes. I guess that's a lie wasn't it? Because if it were true, you would have figured out I was lying since day one. I guess it's kind of funny, really. How my biggest hint to how I feel, my biggest clue, and darkest fear. It's the one thing you haven't figured out yet. It's my biggest fear, my darkest secret, my scariest thought. How could you not see it sooner? I thought that you were my friends, but I guess not, because if you were you would know what's been going on with me. I guess you two have just been to busy  with each other to even notice. You want to know how I feel? Listen closely. Listen more closely to the things I've said. Listen more closely to the music I've been listening to. Not just the melody of the songs, but the words and the meaning behind them. Experts say that the music you listen to  can describe your mood and show your true emotions. You still haven't figured out how I feel even one of the songs I listen to all the time tells you everything you need to know about you. Heck it even spells it all out for you! Lastly, look more closely to the things I write. See how when I start a new story it takes me a while to even introduce any of the characters by their actual names. Notice how I always make a depressed girl the main character of the story. Look closely as I describe the things that she does and says. Look at her personality. Look at her flaws. Look closer at how vividly I describe her life, actions, her thoughts, her everything. How could you not have out 2 and 2 together yet? Farkle did and I didn't even have to give him any hints. He figured it out on his own. How have you not seen any of the clues as to how I feel inside? I've left the clues everywhere. You can see the clues, I know you can, but you choose to ignore them. You chose to ignore me. You may not know it, but you do. You aren't trying to, but each time you pass over my clues without giving them a second thought. I'm too scared to tell you how I really feel, so I write it instead and I leave it out for you to find. Each time you pass by something I write you pass by the chance to figure out how I really feel. I never straight up say it and I probably never will. Only Me and Farkle know what's been running through my head that Texas night I had my heart ripped out, and every night since. I didn't mean for anyone to figure it out, but I wanted you to secretly. I only let Farkle know that he was right because I knew I could trust him, and I was right.  Other then New Years he's kept my secret safe. He didn't say a word to either of you. He's tried to help me get better so that I won't end up doing the one thing I hate the most, the one thing that scares me the most, but even he can't stop the scars from being cut. The one urge that I have that is so strong I give into it every single day. Instead I do it less and call him as a shoulder to cry on more, but it'd becoming harder to fight the urge. The urge helps me to forget all the pain and to escape it all, even if it is just for a second.  The moment I want through my room again all the feelings come back. Do you want to know how I really feel? BROKEN. I guess you know how I feel now. You can finally put 2 and 2 together now. Congradulations, you finally got it out of me. Are you finally happy, because I'm not. I never was. I just lied to everyone and said I was. I'm still lying to everyone now.  I'm working in controlling my emotions better, but it's not working. If anything it's getting even harder. I've given the urge to see the crimson water flow out of me full control now and I don't know how to stop it. It's getting so much worse and I don't know how to make it go away. I just want all of the pain to go away. This is the only way I know how to get rid of it, even for a few moments. You know almost everything except for the one thing I'll never want you to know about me. I'll never tell you what it is, and hopefully you'll never have to find out. If you do figure it out, I'll leave you this. I'll leave this  for you so you can finally figure out when this all started. You'll have to solve that problem also. If you finally figure out when it all started, can you let me know, because I don't even know. My heart was ripped out that Texas night, but it isn't when this started. You can't save me. It's always going to some back. I'm sorry I can't just be 100% honest with you. Sometimes I put on a smile hoping that you don't notice the pain and hurt swimming around , but even the biggest smiles hold the deepest and darkest secrets. I guess the truth is, I'm tired of life. I'm tired of living. I'm tired of breathing. I'm feel like giving up. I started to leave because you let me. I stopped showing up to stuff. I started cutting. I cried every night hoping that you would come, but you never did. You never came for me. You never gave me a second chance, a second thought. You guys let me go. I just wanted you to know that this wasn't your fault. It was all mine. If I had just told you guys have I felt from day one, none of this would have happened, I wanted to get out of the way because I knew that was the only was that you could be happy together. I should have stayed. You asked me everyday if I was okay. The truth is no. Everything hurts and I don't know why. I just want to scream. I need someone to lean on. I need a hug. I need  to feel loved, because right now, I feel like no body cares, and if you know what that feels like you know it hurts. I never asked for this to happen but it did. But I also need to be alone. Away from everyone and everything. I feel like I'm about to break. I never wanted you to know that so I lied and said that I was okay, just tired. I've become suicidal. That should scare me but it doesn't. I'm too far gone to care. I just don't want to be in the way anymore. You0 guys told me that I decide every moment of  everyday. Who I am and what I believe in. That I get a second chance every second. I guess that was a lie too because I never got a second chance at happiness. I'm tired of trying to measure up. My parents told me to find someone that brings meaning to my life, never gave up, never surrender. I found that person, but I gave up, I surrendered. I miss affection and missing something to someone. I'm tired of everyone else being my world but I'm no one else's world. I was learning about him when I found out, when I realized how I am. The only way I was able to go this long without dying already was because of him. He came I and made my life worth living. He rescued me, but I gave him up. I let myself come back to the dark place I'm in right now. I've got to this point so many times. Each time I was too scared to do it. Each time I heard your voices telling me not to do it, but when you let me go, the voices stayed with you. You and the voices that kept me hear left. You all left. I guess I just figured it was time I left too.  Do you know how much that hurt me? I cried every night because I thought you didn't care. I cut everyday because of you two. I do still love you Lucas, but I love Maya more. Maya, I loved you so much that I hurt myself everyday just to see you smile, and every time I saw you frown, every time I saw either of you two, every time I left the room or a conversation I cut. Every time I told you guys I wasn't feeling good or I had homework or family problems I was busy cutting. Every time I "fell asleep" and you couldn't get me to wake up for a while I fainted from all of the blood loss and my cutting. Sometimes I would cut too deep and all of the emotional pain would flow right out of me, or so I thought.

"Sometimes I know the meaning of a word but I'm tire of it and feel the need for an unfamiliar, especially precise or poetic term, perhaps on with a nuance that flatters my readership exquisite sensitivity." -- William Shakespeare

When I said I was tired, you thought I meant sleepy tire, but you couldn't have been more wrong. The truth is that tired has another meaning to me. The other meaning is one I thought I would never have to tell you. To me tired means tired. T.I.R.E.D.

(T)ORN APART
(I)NSECURE
(R)EALLY FAKING MY SMILE
(E)XTREMELY SAD
(D)ROWNING IN MY OWN TEARS AND BLOOD

I never wanted you to find out the truth because I was scared. I'm not only tired in that way. You want to know what I'm tired of? I'm Tired of a lot of things.

I'm tired of crying, because I've cried so much these passed few years and it's gotten me no where. I'm tired of yelling, because my voice can't take it anymore and you can't hear me anyways. I'm tired of being sad, because it's not who I am and it's not who I want to be. I'm tired of pretending, because every time I do I lose a piece of myself. I'm tired of  being alone, because who wants to be alone and also because I know what I'll do to myself if I am. I'm tired of being angry, because it kills me and I don't want to say anything I'll regret when I am. I'm tired of feeling crazy, because it hurts to feel like everyone thinks there's something wrong with me. I'm tired of feeling stuck, because I know that there's no escape and it scares me. I'm tired of needing help, because I others shouldn't have to carry the burdon of  my problems. I'm tired of remembering, because each time I remember it kills my inside and I feel like dying to escape it all. I'm tired of missing things, because I know that things will never be the same and it makes me sad to think that way. I'm tired of being different because I feel like I'm an outcast, like I don't belong. I'm tired of missing people, because I know once they're gone they're gone. I'm tired of feeling worthless, because it makes it easier to run the blade across my wrist. I'm tired of feeling empty inside, because it makes me feel like no one would care if I left. I'm tired of not just being able to let go, because letting go will take the pain go away. I'm tired of wish in I could start all over, because there are no redo's in life. I'm tired of dreaming of a life I'll never have, because I've already seen my dreams die so why let more of them die. But most of all, I'm tired of being T.I.R.E.D., because it isn't getting me anywhere and I want it all to stop I just wat all of the pain to stop! I'm sorry I feel this way.

                                                                                       Please don't hate me,

                                                                                                                              Riley