Silent Monologues

#2

I guess deep down I could see it coming, but I always thought this would be mutual. I never thought you would be the one leaving. All the times I heard you saying "I will only leave if you want me to" sound pointless. Maybe it's not there anymore. Maybe you are right. But you really don't have any idea how much I believed in this. You have no idea how many days and nights I spent thinking about you, thinking about a future "us". And then she came. I totally understand you can say I've done the same before, but I didn't. It was different. You were always the first one and, whether you believed it or not, I made sure I told you that. And then came her photo. And that was awful. You know how low my self esteem can get. And it's not like I think you are going to choose someone based on their looks (I know you better than that), but when I saw her it hit me that you look better with her than you do with me. And that thought hurt, but on that night it was just another one.
Then came the inner struggle. I don't think we can be friends, and I have said that to you a hundred times. Sure you claim I "friendzoned" you, but I wouldn't call it that. I would much rather call it a break up. Even though you are right. If that was a break up, what will I call this now that I can see us stop talking?
I tried to be as mature as I could with the situation. Do you really think that was something I wanted to do? Part of me was wondering if you thought that meant lack of interest, but if you did, it isn't the truth. Truth is I feel like I am losing my safety net. All these break up songs start to make sense and apply to us and it scares me. I wanted to make you as happy as I could and we did have some good moments. And that's painful. It's hard seeing you forget everything we went through. Two years and a half can't compete with a few weeks and that was the first thing I wanted to tell you. But I couldn't. I couldn't because I didn't want to convince you to choose me. I can't. There's no good situation in here for us and I wonder if you understood that. I am always going to wonder if you think of her, if you have that "what if?" on your mind.
I don't think you like her. I think you are afraid of being alone. You always have. I was always the one reassuring you that, even if I were gone, you could find someone else. And apparently you did.
And it is hard not to compare us two. It is even harder looking at the picture and think that person could make you happier than I did. That, itself, it is just heartbreaking. And there was one question I was afraid of asking, because I was scared of the answer. I wanted to ask you what can compete with all the history we have? Is it the fact that I want us to stay friends and she wants more? Is it the fact that she is there and I am 4000 miles away? Where did everything go? Where did the love go? And this last one would be the worse. If the love is still there, somewhere in your heart, you shouldn't be considering this possibility. If it isn't, then I am glad I didn't ask you. But I think you are forgetting you were the one you said "love is a choice" and "I will never stop loving you". And I believe it and now I am an emotional wreck. I believe you and on that night I could barely breath, trying hard so no one would hear me crying.
What ever happen to us? You made me believe everything you said. You made me believe in a future, in a "happily ever after" that no longer exists. Even if you decide it's me and not her, do you understand how fragile I have become? Scared you will just say in the end of the day that you are interested in someone else? Depression keeps knocking on my door and I have tried hard not to open it. And now I just feel as if depression had gotten tired of Waiting and just smashed that door that separated us and finally walked into my life. And of course I wouldn't say this to you, because I don't want you to feel sorry for me and I don't want you to be sad. I made you sad way too many times and now it's payback. But how many times did I send you a photo that pretty says "it's as serious between me and the other person that I actually have a photo of them"? The difference is that if you reject her, it is like a failed attempt, something that wanted to grow but you didn't allow it to. If you do it to me, it is like killing two years and a half. Hundreds of days that are now just memories and nostalgia. And I have to get ready for this.
And that raises another question I was too afraid to ask because I couldn't handle the answer... How serious is it between you and her? Is it that good that you would do all the things you said you would do to me with her? See, that thought is probably the most self destructive. I can't bear thinking about you finding cute nicknames for her, writing poetry about her, hugging her, kissing her, getting intimate with her or nobody else. I do understand that would be the easier path. But hell, it is so not worth it. Maybe I am just being jealous but what about me? Is my name going to be just another one for you? Will I cross your mind when you have your hands on her hips and your lips pressed together? I am selfish enough that I want you for me. But I am also intelligent enough to let you know it's a decision you have to make alone.
But don't choose someone based on your fear of being alone. I will support you with your choice and, just like you, I will hope it is the right one.