papercut.

o n e

With my head on my pillow and the blankets up to my chest, I lay on my back in bed. Beside me, my boyfriend Brian lays similar to me, only he doesn't dare look me in the eyes. He won't look at me at all actually, rage still filling him after our quarrel a little while ago. Like most of our arguments, this one was no different; over something stupid. Earlier, rage was consuming me as well but my anger passed and now only Brian's remains.

In the eight months of our relationship, six and a half of those have been spent arguing. The honeymoon phase where everything is sunshine and daisies and cuddles is no more. Brian grew tired of me always returning late at night from the club I perform music at. I grew weary of all of the time he was spending out each night, coming home reeking of cigarettes and sex and alcohol. Yet for some odd reason, we stayed with each other.

During the times we weren't at each other's throats, we loved each other. We spent our days acting like most couples, in love and engrossed in just the existence of the other person. Each night I wasn't at the club, we would cuddle each other in bed and fall asleep laying with each other. The nights like those I loved. These nights, like the one were caught in at the moment, are antagonizing and painfully long.

Our love isn't healthy. Instead, our love is intoxicating and addicting like a drug. This kind of relationship we're stuck in ruins you and drains you of everything. Once you fall into a love like this, a love like ours, you can't get out of one. It's a bottomless abyss. I know for a fact this relationship means way less to Brian than it does to me; if he even cares at all about this and about me.

I roll over in our bed and face the opposite way of Brian. He exhales deeply, obviously still unhappy. All that I can hear in this weighted silence between us is his steady breathing. Eventually, my breathing steadies out and I calm down completely, finally allowing sleep to wash over me like a wave rushing onto a beach. In the world I escape to, there is no me and Brian, but rather just me doing what I want.

In this world there is no tether holding me back.

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When my eyes flutter awake in the morning, I sit up straight in the bed. Brian isn't beside me. An aroma of coffee is dancing around the bedroom and my mouth waters at the thought of warm coffee just two rooms down. I get out of the warm sheets and blankets, getting to me feet and pulling on a sweatshirt up over my head. Last night, like most nights, I slept in just my gray baggy sweatpants and no shirt on.

Opening up the door, I walk outside of the bedroom and go down the hallway, the smell increasing the closer I get to the kitchen. When I round the corner, I see Brian standing with his back towards me pouring coffee into his mug. He puts the pot back down and takes a sip from the steaming mug. Like him, his coffee is bitter. Brian prefers his coffee plain and strong, which in short, is bitter. On the other hand, I prefer mine with a splash of milk and two packets of sugar.

I approach the counter and grab a mug for my coffee and pour myself a cup of coffee, still not looking at Brian beside me. He glances over at me and hands me two packets of sugar.
"Thanks." I mumble the words with no emotion under my breath and take the packets from him graciously. He turns his body and leans his back against the counter.  We go back to how it was before, silence and ignoring each other.

Brian begins to silently sip his coffee and stare at me. I finish doctoring up my coffee, testing it a few times to make sure the coffee is how I like it. Once the drink is perfect, I take a complete sip and walk to the kitchen table to set my coffee down. His eyes silently follow and watch my every move as I walk back over to the counter and grab two pieces of bread to make toast. After I pop the two pieces in the toaster, I turn and stare at the tiles beneath my feet.

I look at the toaster beside me and I feel a body move closer to mine. Brian looks at me and I keep looking away from him.
"Look at me..." Brian says the words to me in a hushed tone and I look up at him for an instance and meet his gray eyes. Suddenly a hand is wrapped around my bony wrist tightly.
"Look at me!" Brian's voice snaps at me and rises like a wave. He grips onto my wrist tightly and twists my skin. A gasp escapes my lips at the pain and he in turn brings his other hand up. Tears brim my eyes.

"Don't cry." He growls the words at me, however the tears still sting my eyes. Beside me, I hear the toast pop up from the toaster and I don't dare look over. Instead, I just stare at him and feel a single tear form in my eye. My mind is screaming at me to make sure I don't cry, knowing Brian will react in the worst of ways if I do. The tear finally falls from my eye and rolls down my cheek before I can even stop the tear from doing so.

A pit forms in my stomach as I glance at his risen hand out of the corner of my eye. In a sudden instance, I feel his hand strike my left cheek, my skin stinging at the contact and force of the hit. His other hand is gripping my wrist tightly, having tightened the grip when he struck me. Keeping my eyes away from his, my head remains in the stationary position to the side. I let out a shaky breath and bite my bottom lip, trying to ease my pain.

"Let go of me," My voice comes out weak and I turn my head to look up at him, "Now."
Brian glares at me, his eyes remaining cold and dark and the opposite of the eyes I fell in love with.
"Make me." His rough and surly voice surprises me. I look back up at him, the pain now replaced with fury and rage.
"Oh, I'll make you." When I say the words, I lock my eyes with his.

I bring my free hand up and slap him across the face using as much pain as I can muster. He retaliates and loosens the grip on my bony wrist. After I pull my wrist away from his completely, I grab my phone and my jacket that are resting on the couch. I slip into my Converse, not bothering to tie them or pull the heel up.
"Where do you think you're going?" Brian spits the words out at me like a snake spits venom and I pull my coat on.
"Out of here."

Brian's face looks shocked when I step outside onto the porch and slam the door behind me, breaking into a run down the sidewalk. I take wide steps to ensure I don't trip over my untied shoelaces. Running until my lungs burn and my tears stop falling from my eyes, I approach the familiar apartment I set off to go to in the first place.

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ANGST, ANGST, & MORE ANGST! so how'd you like it? I hope you enjoyed this little impromptu shortstory. More to come later!
xx, madi