papercut.

f i v e

"You and Brian broke up?"
"Yeah. We did."
"What happened? You guys seemed so happy and like such a great pair I-"
"He hit me mum. I ended things officially with him today."
Dead silence. That's all I hear on the other line as I wait for my mum to reply again.
"Oh Tokkie. Where are you now? Are you safe?"
"I'm staying with Connor at his apartment. And yes, I'm safe."

"I'm so sorry Tro. Will you be alright until we come to visit in July?" I sit and think for a second. It's only April now. Can I really make it three months staying with Connor? With a lump forming in my throat, I make up my mind.
"I want to go home mum. To Perth."
"Look Tok, we all miss you so much but-you're so close to finally reaching your goal. Are you willing to give that all up?" When my mum says 'goal', I don't tell her but I transpose another word in its place. I ask myself that question over and over that afternoon and only later does the answer become clear.

Am I really willing to leave Connor?

〰

I walk out of my bedroom later on that night to find Connor standing in his kitchen. He's leaning with his back against the countertop on his phone typing away in what I presume is a text. Connor looks up when he senses me in the kitchen as well and a smile spreads across his face.
"The Indian food should be here soon." He speaks to me before he walks to the refrigerator and pulls out a bottle of wine, as mentioned earlier. I nod my head when Connor makes a gesture to the bottle in a way to ask me whether I want a glass or not.

Getting out two glasses, he pours an even amount of wine in each glass before he re-corks the bottle and places it back in the fridge. I'm now leaning against the counter like Connor was earlier. Connor approaches me and hands me one of the glasses and we clink our glasses together to cheers one another. Taking a sip of the light, white wine I recognize the beverage as the same wine I drank with Connor the first night I met him. The question from before floods back into my memory.

"A dry Riesling. Perfect when paired with Indian food." Connor smiles to himself and nods at my words. His smile changes to a grin, showing me he's thinking of a memory from the past.
"I don't know if you remember but-"
"We drank a dry Riesling together on our first night we met. Last year." Interrupting him and finishing his thought, I take another sip of the wine.

Filling the newfound silence between us, the doorbell rings. I reach into my pocket and pull out my wallet while Connor reaches down and tries to stop me.
"No, Tro. I've got it." He grabs onto my arm tightly, his fingers clutched around my wrist. Without thinking, I shake my head and lean in and place a kiss on his lips to shut him up. Connor looks at me shocked and lets go of my wrist, allowing me to walk to the door and pay for our Indian food. I figure it's the least I can do for him after the past few days.

Once I pay for the food, I walk back into the kitchen and set the plastic bag on the counter. Connor is still standing in the same place I kissed I'm at and his fingers are resting on his lips timidly. He snaps out of his trance and grabs two plates from the cabinet and I open up our containers of food. After dishing the food out onto the two plates, we each grab one and walk into the living room to settle ourselves into our Netflix.

After watching a few episodes and drinking more wine, Connor is laying against my chest. We're both upright still but a blanket is draped over our legs.
"I don't know why I loved Brian in the first place. He always treated me like shit." I keep my eyes on the floor underneath our feet but I know Connor is looking over at me. I can feel his eyes on me and I know he's trying to find the right words to say.
"You deserve forever. Not a boy looking for better." Connor gazes into my eyes and I feel that we're getting closer. I need to tell him.

Connor looks at me and leans into kiss me just as soon as his lips are almost on mine again. I put a finger against his lips to stop him from leaning in more and he opens his eyes and looks at me surprised.
"I'm going back to Australia." His facial expression changes to one of hurt and confused and lost.
"When?" Connor's voice cracks at the end of the word and I sense the sadness in his voice.
"Two weeks, maybe?" I look at Connor and he pulls his face away from mine completely so he can see me.

"How long will you be gone?" Another question sends a dagger through my heart.
"I don't know," I reach down and grab for Connor's hand, knowing I need to comfort him, "I like you Con. I really fucking like you. But I just don't want to start something with you if I'm just going to leave in two weeks. I don't want to leave you hanging or feeling abandoned." Connor looks back up at me and nods his head slowly.

"I wanna make the most of the time we have left. But if you want to wait that's okay. I'll wait for you Troye." Tears well up in my eyes and I lean in and wrap my arms around his body.
"Thank you." Repeatedly I say the words into his ear though I don't know what I am thanking him for. Thanking him for waiting? Thanking him for not leaving? Thanking him for letting me stay with him? All I can hope is that he keeps his promise.

〰

Later on that night, I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling above me. I feel as though I'm put back into the same place I was in on the night of my fight with Brian. Staring at the ceiling and listening to the sounds from outside that are filling the silence. This silence however, is comfortable. I still can't find a way to fall asleep however and I just remain laying in bed tossing and turning and closing my eyes every once and a while. I wonder...

After getting out of bed and walking down the hall, I push open the door just barely though I still don't exactly knowing what is going on in my head when I do so. Once the door to Connor's bedroom is open, I begin to pray that Connor will still be awake. Thankfully, I hear the sheets ruffle and see an outline of Connor sit up in his bed.
"Can't sleep either?" He asks me and I nod though I know he more than likely can't see me. I stand for another second and wait for Connor to speak again. When he doesn't I just shrug my shoulders and turn to walk out.

"Wait." I turn back to look at Connor when he speaks through the silence, seeing his outline sharper now, "Can you stay with me, Troye?" As soon as he says those words, I feel as though my body has just crashed into a brick wall. I look at Connor and shuffle my feet towards his bed and walk to the side I slept on just a few nights before. Connor moves over on the mattress to allow me space next to him and I lower myself down next to his body. As soon as I'm laying down on the bed next to Connor, he rests his head down on my shoulder and cuddles into my body.

I feel his arms wrap around my waist tightly, forming a shield to protect me from the outside world.
"I'll always stay with you." I whisper, praying he knows exactly what I mean. We cuddle into each other and let sleep slowly wash over us both, now content and comfortable. So much for not getting attached before I leave.

〰〰〰
YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT IN THE WORLD TO BE MAD AT ME. I took like two weeks off from this story with nO WARNING and I'm sorry it took so long to update. The next update should (hopefully) come sooner.
xx, madi