papercut.

t e n

"Why would you hang out with the person who beat you? He freaking treated you like shit and now you're sitting talking to him like you're old frat brothers!" Connor spits at me and I close my eyes to prevent tears from falling.
"I needed closure. I needed to know why he would treat me horribly. That's all I wanted and I got it." I say to him back and Connor rolls his eyes.
"Oh really? Cause when I walked in why were you laughing with him at some joke he said. Sounds like some real closure you got there, Troye."

I shake my head and cross my arms over my chest.
"Why do you even care Connor? You said you would wait for me in a relationship and now you're acting like a jealous boyfriend which is what I said I didn't want."
Connor looks at me, his cold glare softening slightly. I continue to spew words out.
"Why are you even jealous in the first place? There's no way I'm going back to Brian. We were talking and laughing like friends. Isn't that-"

"Can't you see that I'm fucking in love with you Troye?"

The words leave Connor's mouth before he seems to process them. I stand in place and look at him shocked. Connor's eyes grow big and he brings a hand up to his mouth. My heart stops for a second and I look at Connor.
"What?" Immediately after I say that, I hit myself mentally. God, your best friend confesses his love and all you say is what! Connor says nothing, knowing I did hear what he said.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask him and Connor shakes his head.
"I don't know. Maybe the fact that you left me for nearly three months and didn't even say goodbye." 

We go silent, this space between us awkward and tense.
"I-I would've stayed if you told me that. I would've woken you up and said goodbye."
"Then why didn't you?"
"Because I knew I wouldn't be able to. I wouldn't have been able to leave you and get on that plane alone." Connor stares right at my eyes and keeps his arms folded and crossed over his chest. I take a step towards Connor and he looks up at me. When I'm close enough to kiss him, he uncrosses his arms and drop them down to his sides.

"I don't want you to leave again unless I'm leaving with you." Connor whispers to me and I look directly into his eyes. His pupils are dilated as he looks me in the eyes. I can see how green his eyes are, and seeing them this close remind me of an infinite forest that seems to stretch on forever. Looking this deep into Connor's eyes I could get lost in this forest forever, for his eyes hold so many secrets in them.

I place one of my hands onto his cheek and Connor flinches slightly at the touch. His skin is warm and soft to my touch, but I feel a flame on my fingertips.
"I'm not gonna leave you again." I whisper and he looks down at my lips and back up at me.
"Do you promise?" He whispers back and I nod immediately.
"I promise Connor." The words roll of my lips right as his are met with mine. He moves his lips lightly and I'm taken aback. Wasn't he yelling at me just minutes ago?

Something doesn't feel right; almost as though this is a repeat of what happened that one fateful night. That night I cheated on Brian. With these thoughts in my head, I still continue to kiss Connor and attempt to overpower him. He allows me access into his mouth to explore and run my tongue everywhere. Still my mind screams at me and tells me to stop, but I keep going. I want this, I want him. I'm not stopping.

Now we're on the bed in his room, and clothing is coming off and skin is meeting skin and creating fire and friction and indulging my senses. What would my family be thinking if they knew I'm hooking up with a guy who I cheated on my boyfriend with? Would they be ashamed of me? All negative thoughts aside, I continue to touch Connor and keep our fiery connection going and all I hear ringing in my ears are two words leaving Connor's mouth.

"Don't stop."

〰

Connor's body is entangled with me. He cuddles his head deeper into my chest and using his hand he draws circles on my bare abdomen. The blankets pulled up to our waists are warm. Last night our bodies moved together and created heat between each other. We were one. But now, after hooking up for a second time last night, we're still nothing more than friends with benefits. I don't want that.

"Good morning." Connor says in a low morning voice.
"Good morning." I repeat the same thing and smile down at Connor. We go back to silence, just laying with each other and trying to take in what exactly is going on between us. I lay there, staring at the ceiling until finally I muster up the courage to speak to him.

"Why do I feel like we're turning into me and Brian." I whisper and Connor stops drawing circles and sits up at me to look me in the eyes.
"Why do you feel that way?" He asks, sounding almost sad.
"Brian and I would hook up only after arguments. He would have to be drunk to love me." Connor looks at me, his mouth open sadly in shock and sadness.

"We would both drink and he'd attempt to seduce me. And I would let him. Every damn time." My voice cracks at the end and Connor brings me into a hug.
"Troye, I care about you. I'm not like Brian, I'm not just gonna get you drunk so that you'll have sex with me." Connor says to me and I nod at him.
"I know. I'm just scared."

"Scared of what?" I look at Connor after his acquisition and answer in a firm voice.
"I'm scared of being hurt. And of confessing my feelings," Connor looks on with a look of pity and confusion before I speak again, "Connor last night you said you're in love with me, is that true?" I ask him and Connor brings himself to nod. The next words that leave my mouth feel right as they roll of my tongue.d
"Well good. Cause I'm in love with you too."

***
OH SHIT WADDUP. I'm going to Colorado in a week and I'm hoping to find some new story inspiration while I'm there it should be nice.

also, not too long now... ;)

xx, madi