papercut.

s i x

Ten days later and I'm on my way to Australia. I left early in the morning, having to unwrap Connor's limbs from around my body trying not to wake him. He barely stirred in his sleep as I packed up the rest of my things and left the apartment. Had I not looked over my shoulder as I walked out of his bedroom, I never would've even hesitated. I approached his bed cautiously and placed a kiss on his forehead as my symbol of goodbye. Oh how I wished to grab his body and hold him. But instead I just turned and walked out of the apartment without stopping.

I got a window seat on the plane, right on the wing of the plane and sat back. Connor would wake up soon and realize I was gone. He knew I was leaving but didn't think it would be so soon and that I would at least say goodbye. But the truth is that I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye. Had Connor woken up, I wouldn't have been able to give him a parting hug or tell him I'd see him soon or tell him goodbye. I wouldn't have been able to leave him.

The car I'm traveling in slams on its breaks and brings me away from my train of thought. I lean forward in my seat and pay for my Uber, muttering a thank you before I exit and grab my suitcases from the trunk of the car. With a suitcase handle in both hands and a backpack on my back, I walk up to my front door and try the handle. The doors unlocked as it always seems to be. My family likes to leave the door unlocked during the day as a way to show us kids that we can always come home.

I open up the door and take just two steps in before I hear my name being yelled.
"Troye!" Sage shrieks my name out and runs towards me to embrace me tightly.
"Sagey! I missed you." I pull my sister in closer and savor all of the moment. First reunions are always the best in my opinion, as they truly show how much you missed each other. When I open my eyes, I see my mum come running around the corner with Jagga close behind.

"Oh Tokkie." She hugs me just as tight as Sage did while Jagga jumps up and down at our feet. Once she lets go of me, I drop to my knees and begin to rub Jagga and he continues to bark happily. The rest of my family, my two brothers and father, all come out to welcome me home. After embracing my brothers, my mum grabs back onto me and holds my shoulders while scanning me up and down.

"Have you been eating enough? Are you resting and not-"
"Mum I've been fine. I promise." She looks at me with a look in her eyes that makes me remember our phone call. After a silence for a few seconds, I grab onto my suitcases again.
"I'm gonna go put these in my room," I say and look at my sister, giving her the glance we have established as the look that means we need to talk. Allowing me to get a head start, I walk down the hallway into my bedroom and wait for her.

The room is how I left it three months ago, when I was here for just ten days. I can tell the sheets have been washed and that somebody has been wearing my clothes recently. Tyde, I think annoyed, Why couldn't he just ask me if he could borrow them? There's a knock on the doorframe and Sage closes the door softly behind her. In one hand, she holds a pile of my jumpers I left behind here.
"I hope you don't mind that I was wearing them. They smelt like your cologne." Sage hands me back the jumpers and I feel a pang of guilt hit me. I was gone for so long that she started to wear my clothes to remember me.

Sage sits down on my bed and watches as I lay both of my suitcases on their backs and zip them open. I sift through my clothing and shoes and random trinkets and toiletries until I find the small pouch I was careful to pack. Standing back up, I hand Sage the bag and she looks at me questioningly before she opens up the satin bag carefully.
"Oh my god, Tokkie." She gasps and let the delicate silver necklace fall into her palm. On the thin, intricately wound silver necklace a small pendant hangs- the small outline of a heart.

"I figured since I'm away so much this could be a way you'll know I'm always there." I watch as Sage carefully holds the necklace between her fingers.
"I always know you're there Tokkie. But thank you. Thank you so much." Her voice fades out to a whisper and I grab the necklace from her hands and clasp it around her neck. She touches the pendant and chain around her neck and I look at the mirror that is directly across from us on the wall. In the mirror I can see our reflections and I see just how much older Sage looks from the last time I saw her.

"I'm sorry I was gone so long. And I'm sorry I didn't come back sooner." A crack in my voice sparks tears and Sage immediately wraps her arms around me in an attempt to help me stop crying.
"Mum told me what happened with you and Brian. I'm so sorry Tro." She whispers the words into my ear and I lean my head down onto her shoulder further.
"I should've just left him so long ago but I couldn't. When he hit me that was just the nail in the coffin." Sage rubs her hand on my back soothingly and I attempt to focus on that.

"What are you gonna do if you go back to Los Angeles?" I shrug my shoulders at her question.
"I don't know. I can't just stay with Connor forever." Sage takes a deep breath and I bring my head up from her shoulder to face her as she speaks again.
"You've been spending quite a lot of time with Connor recently. Is there anything going on between you two?"
"Oh no! Nothing." Lies fly from my mouth and I don't hesitate to stop them. Sage goes to speak again and looks at me with her head tilted.
"Are you sure?" My sister stares into my eyes and manages to make me allow my walls to come tumbling down and tell her.

"No," I speak and feel tears brim my eyes again, "I don't know what we are. But we're something." Sage's eyes grow and she looks at me with her face cloaked in shock.
"What happened Tokkie?" Her voice turns to one with sympathy lacing her words but I don't fall for it. She grabs my wrist, making me jolt and lock my eyes with her.
"Talk to me Tro. I promise I won't tell if you don't want me to." Something in the way she speaks to me calms me. She was the first person I came out to anyways.

"Right after I left Brian's apartment I went to Connor's and we got drunk and-" I hesitate for a second; "-we had sex."
"You guys what?" Sage's jaw drops and I feel a blanket of guilt drape over me, "Troye does anybody else know?"
"Nobody except me, you, and Connor. And it's gonna stay that way." Sage nods repeatedly with a shocked look still plastered on her face. She stares off into space and looks back at me.

"Why'd you leave then? If you had something with him?" I bite my bottom lip with grief and sadness.
"I'm running from what could be and I'm so terrified of happy. With Brian I wasn't scared to fall because I knew I wouldn't fall. But now I'm just bleeding out and nothing but him can patch up the wound." Sage looks me in the eyes sadly before I carry on my thought further.
"It's a papercut. The pains not going away anytime soon and I'll just continue to hurt. Just like a papercut."

〰〰〰
i finish school on thursday {5/26}! AND TROYE ON THE BBMAs?!?!
xx, madi