papercut.

e i g h t

My heart hurts, I write on the top line of a new sheet of notebook paper. The eraser of my pencil taps on the notebook as I think about what to begin to say and where to begin explaining everything.
I expected that when I got back to the states everything would be perfect again. Connor and I would start to date officially and I'd get a job and live with him. But something just doesn't feel right about any of this.

I feel like what happened with Connor was a mistake but I still cannot seem to distinguish the blurred line between it being good and bad. On one hand, I'm now completely over Brian and starting to fall for Troye. But on the other, the bad side, I cheated. What happens if I cheat on Connor now after I cheated on my boyfriend once before? He helped me cheat on Brian, so what if he helps somebody cheat again? What if-

"Troye?"

At my name, I close my journal immediately and look up to see Connor leaning on one side of the door frame. He's still wearing the clothes from his meeting that he must've just gotten back from. His meetings for work tend to go late and he comes home wearing his dress shirt and pants. Tonight he has on a white button up dress shirt and black pants that hug his body nicely. A tie is loosely hanging from his neck as he walks over to me and I adjust how I'm sitting in the bed.

"How were your meetings?" I say, trying to hide the way my breath hitches slightly as I run my eyes over his body hungrily.
"Good. Boring as usual but still good," Connor says and takes another step until he's right by me, "Can you help me untie this?" At his question I nod and grab his tie loosely in my hands. I have it undone quickly while my fingers linger over his body and I place a hand on his chest firmly. With no instruction or asking I run my hands to his top button at his collar and undo it.

Working meticulously I get the buttons all undone and now see a sliver of Connor's bare chest. He's toned, no question about it, and has a very nice body. I place my hands back on the shirt and graze my hands on his skin and on the shirt before I finally stick my hand underneath the fabric. Connor keeps his eyes locked with mine as I look at him with a glance asking whether he's okay with this or not. Finally I work the sides of the shirt off his shoulder so they hang on his arms loosely. He shrugs the shirt off and immediately places two hands on my hips.

His touch is more powerful then mine and yet I still find myself craving more of it. Connor leans in and kisses me lightly on the lips before he moves one hand up to my upper back. I still don't look away from him. A voice in the back of my head tells me to pull away and that I'm just luring him into a disaster. Listening I pull away and Connor moves away from me to finish getting ready for bed with a content pep in his step.

He gets ready for bed completely before he climbs into bed beside me and adjusts under the covers. Connor rustles his pillows and turns the light on his bedside table off. I look over in the bed and look at the boy laying beside me. He's laying on his back with his head turned on his pillow facing me. In the darkness I can see his open eyes and moonlight reflecting off of them.
"Is there something wrong with... whatever this is?" Connor asks and I turn in his bed completely to look at him. We're laying shirtless beside each other, having laid down to sleep together after watching a movie on my laptop.
"What do you mean?" I ask and Connor just shakes his head slightly on his pillow.
"I mean, what are we? We're laying here in the same bed shirtless, probably closer than we should be." Connor says rushed and I lock my eyes with his.

"Well, are you okay with whatever this is?" I ask, a certain edge at the end of my voice, and Connor nods. I can't tell whether I want him to say yes.
"I'm perfectly okay with this." I feel a kiss be placed on my forehead and I smile at the gesture. He kisses me again, this time on my lips and I stare at him after I pull away. My heart rate accelerates at random just looking at him and I know what I have to do.

"I can't date you." I blurt out and Connor reaches over towards his bedside table and turns on his lamp.
"What?" His voice shakes and breaks, obviously saddened at my sudden change of heart.
"I just- I can't be in another relationship. I mean-I cheated on Brian what if I cheat on you with some random guy?" Connor's expression changes to one filled with sympathy.

"I'm afraid of myself. We really fucked up, Connor. I don't want to make the same mistake." Explaining everything more, I feel tears brim my eyes and Connor exhales loudly.
"Look Troye if you want to wait to be in a relationship I'll wait. You can stay here as long as you want and you can sleep in here or in the guest bedroom or wherever. I don't want you to be uncomfortable now-"

"Why are you going to wait for me? I'm not worth it." I interrupt and Connor's eyes droop in sadness.
"What are you talking about? You are worth it." Connor says and I shake my head again.
"But why? I'm-"
"You're beautiful and kind and talented and anybody would be lucky to have you. So please just give me the opportunity to love you." Connor finishes and I sit in a stunned silence.

"Okay," I finally say after some time and Connor bites his bottom lip, "If you're willing to wait for me then go ahead." Saying those words finally break me completely to be saying them but instantly a weight is lifted off of my shoulders.
"Should I um, stay or go?" I motion to the bedroom next door and Connor shrugs his shoulders. Looking at him with a sad glance I stand up from the bed and walk into the bedroom next door without another word.

〰〰〰
yeehaw im in texas. im sorry for doing this but oh well i couldn't have a happy book for once right? not too long now either ;)
xx, madi