papercut.

t h r e e

I sit at Connor's kitchen table staring out the window above the sink. A bird is chirping outside, singing their own song to themselves. Connor's still asleep snoring softly in his bedroom, underneath the warm covers both of us wore during the night. The covers shielded our bodies from the cold air dancing around the apartment and flowing in from the window that was open a crack. I on the other hand have been awake for a mere fifteen minutes, just sitting here in silence.

When I woke up this morning, my body was intertwined around with Connor's. Our bodies half on top of one another's and his arms wrapped around my waist. My legs were entangled with his and my head on his bare chest. Of course, this may not seem like such a big deal but there was one thing that sent all of the memories rushing through me and sent a chill down my spine. And that one thing is the fact that both of us were naked when I woke up.

"Morning..." A low voice speaks behind me, dragging out the word as he says it. I turn in my chair to face him and look towards the door frame. Connor is leaning against one side of the frame, his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants.
"Good morning." My voice is small and squeaky and meek, almost as though I'm scared as to what is about to go down. Connor approaches me and sits down across from me.

"I feel like shit." Connor groans and throws his head back, the effects of the alcohol we consumed last night showing. He places a hand on his forehead, causing me to think he has a pounding headache just like the one I have. In this position, I can see on his neck two small purple marks peeking out from underneath the collar of his sweatshirt.
"I do too." Carefully, I dance around talking about what happened last night. My heart is pounding thinking about talking about that with him and admitting that I just cheated.

Connor brings his head back up and looks at me right in the eyes.
"What happened last night?" He mumbles the question quietly and looks at me, expecting me to answer.
"Do you-Do you not remember?" I anxiously wait for any sign, not getting one out of him. I speak again, "Look at your neck."
Connor grabs his phone and pulls up the camera, too lazy to go into the bathroom and look in the mirror. He adjusts the collar of his sweatshirt and touches his fingers on the purple hickies I gave him late last night.

"Did-Did we... have sex?" I nod at the question and Connor stares at the table, "You lied didn't you? About breaking up with Brian? You guys are still together?" Connor's green eyes meets mine and I look at him sadly. I bite my bottom lip nervously and slowly bring myself to nod.
"I'm sorry." I choke the words out in a hushed tone and Connor shakes his head.
"Why, Troye? Why did you do this?" Tears brim my eyes as his disappointed voice speaks to me and I lower my head down in shame.

"I want you, Connor. I don't want Brian anymore. In fact I never should've stayed with him this long. He treats me like shit but you-" I stop talking and gaze into Connor's green eyes, "you're different. You actually care about me and you just fuck with my mind whenever I talk to you." When Connor says nothing, instead just looking at me with a hurt and confused look, I speak again. "He hurt me, Connor! Brian hit me and tried to hit me more but I got away. I'm stuck with him. I have to do something if I ever want to feel safe again. I'll break up with him right now."

"I've liked you Troye. For a while now. I never wanted to get in between you and Brian. That was the one thing I never allowed myself to do no matter how much I grew to like you." Connor's voice falters and I open my mouth to speak again.
"You didn't come between us. We were never completely together in the first place. When you date someone you connect with them completely and we just- Brian and I didn't." Connor nods at the statement, obviously thinking everything over in his head.

"Does this make me a cheater?" My voice is quiet and squeaky and meek when I speak.
"You didn't mean for this to happen-"
"Yes I did! We may have been drunk but we had sex! I knew what I was doing but I still did it." Without meaning to I raise my voice in frustration and Connor jumps at the sudden loudness. He stands up after another minute of silence. Connor walks to the coffee pot and pulls out two mugs from the cabinet. I just sit at the table thinking about our exchange and about everything that has happened in the past 24 hours.

Connor walks back over to me and sits back down at the table across from me. He slides a pastel yellow mug in front of me. I look into the mug and smile to myself.
"Two packets of sugar and a splash of soy milk. I know how you take your coffee." Connor smiles to himself at his little bundle of knowledge and takes a sip of his coffee. I do the same, pleasantly surprised to see that French press coffee is, in fact, quite good.

We don't speak, instead just sitting comfortably with each other and forgetting about the conversation we just had. I look at the boy sitting across from me, seeing the beauty he's emitting. Last night he looked just as beautiful as he looks now, if not even more, and there was a touch of vulnerability in him as I kissed him. Falling out of the memory yet again, my voice pierces the silence.

"I want to talk to Brian."

〰〰〰
literally i wrote this in like one day so please correct me if there's any mistakes or anything like that. anyways, i'm cuddling my cat right now so i'm gonna go!
xx, madi