Author's note:
This chapter might be triggering, so please don't read it if you're easily triggered.
Newt's POV:
I smiled when I woke up. I had finally had a good dream after all those nightmares, though I did feel a little embarrassed. How could I dream something like that? What if Tommy didn't feel the same way? The dream had made me realize I loved him. I really did and I needed him in my life to keep me from falling down in that dark hole again. I hated depending on someone else but at that moment, I had no choice. I couldn't save myself, so I needed someone to save me.
Before I could talk to Tommy about the way I felt, he had already left with Minho. A wave of sadness hit me.
---
I decided to skip breakfast as I didn't feel like seeing anyone and hid in the forest, where my dream had taken place. If only Tommy were here with me, I thought. I hated this empty feeling. I hadn't felt like this this since the last time I screw up, so it meant no good. Now the urges were bad again. I thought about my promise. I couldn't break it, could I?
"Actually you could, it's not like Tommy, or anyone, really, cares about you anyway", a little voice inside my mind told me.
"Shut up."
"You know I'm right, don't you?"
"No, I told you to shut up", I basically screamed.
"And you think you can tell me what to do?"
"Please just leave me alone", I started sobbing.
"I will never, I thought you had figured that out."
I knew the voice was right, so I took out the blade, which I always carried with me, just in case things got bad again and I needed to escape.
"I'm such a disappointment", I whispered, before I let the cold metal touch my skin.
---
One cut for breaking my promise.
One cut for being such a mess.
One for being worthless.
One for annoying and disappointing everyone around me.
---
The list went on and on, until my whole arms were covered in fresh cuts. I took a deep breath and forced myself to stop. I couldn't make that last cut. The one that would take me away from this place forever. Did I want to make it? Yes, no doubt. Could I make it? No, because I was a coward.
---
I tried so hard to understand why I'd gotten so sad again. I thought I was finally getting better. I honestly thought I had a chance of getting away from those stupid demons but of course, the voice was right. It was always right. How could I have been so stupid? It was probably right about Tommy, too. He didn't really care about me, did he? Not like it mattered, I could never face him again. He would see right through me; he'd see what I did to myself. I had let him down. Of course he would never want to be with a boy like me. He was angelic, while my head was filled with demons.
---
In the moments that followed, I had to fight really hard against those demons. They were taking the blade closer to my wrist. I knew what they wanted me to do. They wanted me to end it. It seemed so easy, so appealing.
---
"You can do it", the voice whispered.
"I can't."
"You can. Don't you want to be freed from your pain?"
"Yes, of course, I do."
"Then do it. Tommy would understand."
"I don't think he would."
"Sure he would and he couldn't care less anyway. Prove yourself wrong, show yourself you're not a coward", it hissed.
"No."
"You're a coward Newt, remember that", it whispered.
---
The words kept echoing over and over again inside my head. It was driving me crazy, trying to push me over the edge. With my last strength, I tried to fight back. I couldn't let the demons win. The boy I used to be already got killed but I couldn't let this Newt get killed. The demons were taking over but I knew Newt was still there. Sometimes, I could sense him. Whenever I was with Tommy, I could, but he wasn't there and I was alone with my demons and they knew it.
----
"Please let Tommy come back as soon as possible", I prayed to no one in particular.
I didn't believe in God. I didn't want to, because if he did exist, it would mean he had let us get stuck in here and that thought was unbearable. I didn't want this to be my destiny. I didn't want to be stuck in this Maze for the rest of my life. I wanted to escape, get married to Tommy, adopt kids, buy a house; lead a normal life, whatever that might be. Perhaps if I could gather the courage, I'd talk to Tommy about all this. I'd ask for his opinion.
---
I decided it was time to go back to the others. My stomach was growling and the lack of energy wasn't improving my mood. I'd ask Frypan for some food and see if Tommy had gotten back yet. I didn't know how long I'd stayed in the forest but probably pretty long, because the sun was setting, which meant the Doors were about to close.
---
"Is he back yet?", I asked Alby.
"Who are you talking about?"
"Thomas of course!"
"No, I'm sorry Newt. However, Minho did get back. You should talk to him."
---
"Minho, what happened?", I asked Minho, when I finally found him.
"I lost them", Minho responded bitterly, probably blaming himself.
"You lost them!?"
"Yes..."
---
I couldn't believe what he was telling me. He lost them. Thomas and Chuck might never come back. My little brother and the boy who stole my heart. That would definitely push me over the edge... I tried to stay calm, the Doors weren't closed yet, but it didn't help. Another panic attack hit me.
---
"You need to go back, you need to find them", I instructed Minho.
"Excuse me", Minho said, "you don't know what happened."
"Then tell me what happened."
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If You Don't Know || Newtmas
Fanfiction"The maze broke his spirit, the fall broke his leg, the flare broke his mind, the end broke his heart. He was the glue who fixed everybody but himself." Newt's life seemed pointless until the new newbie arrived. Could his life be worth living again?
